Privates - Part I



She felt like bringing wine, or ice-cream, over to see him.



If she was given the chance again, she'd want to love him.



In the meantime, she was still mourning for the loss - Lazarus.



Perhaps not tonight. It's raining, and someone's waiting lovingly for her.







Part II



It was for all the wrong reasons. A visit would be most wrongfully unbecoming. How could it be done in a guilt-free manner?



Tears started to form in her aged heart. Aged not by time, but by the ins and outs with her men.



She imagined the scene when, in yet another time, loneliness would occur - because he was leaving. Rucksack on his back, he turned and went.

Friends are the best. They hold you with distance, comfort you when you cry, with or without a shoulder depending on who's present. They sometimes apologise, but most probably without a kiss, unless drunk, then the apology is irrelevant anyway. They last a lifetime like marriage does. In fact sometimes every other connection seems bleak compared to the friendship. You can stay together with friends, you can even sleep with them, pun both intended and not, and there mustn't be strings attached, and you both mustn't have someone to go home to. Otherwise you'll destroy two or three friendships all at once. And friends are the best. Friends expect less of you, yet they support you, and show you the vision you chose, in case you forget or are momentarily blinded by situations. Just like your other half does, only thing is that most other halves, well they tend to be higher on the expectation scale, if my experience is right. I love my friends. I hope that I will marry a best friend and live rather happily with him. Do I wait for that opportunity now, or should I perhaps lower my hopes a little? Every other connection seems bleak.

When your heart tells you no.



No no no no nonono..

Sometimes I wish I never lost him.

He was the greatest love after Jesus

Totally selfish of me, nothing godly

Far from 1 Corinthians 13 love..



I got that now, that kind of love

Yet somehow something still

seems missing, I don't know where

-



I lost him by accident and on purpose

He still appears in my dreams and

O of course in my reality

But it wasn't proper love

- it feels like a loss.



I called it off within me

when I knew that

I would never be of value

to my love

I would always be second best

I would always come after

the rest of everything in his life



I wish I never lost him

I would remain unhappily married

Unhappily in love

Continually torn in pieces by it



Till today.



(Note: As children, we never want what's really good for us. Reasoning like a child. Cf. 1 Corinthians 13:11)

sometimes i hate a showdown

i'd like to avoid conflict as far as possible

-

(next time)



i know i'm irritatingly annoying and

hard to bear with

at quarter-cen i've already chocked up

quite a few cockups



but it's okay i know

how to be an angel?

i can't and i won't be,

so this is me, take it real



reading my history

letters, icq, diaries, blog

i'm sick to the core

that i was once so hated.



what if i fuckup again

I can't afford to waste any more

lives, human, time, me, love

sometimes wonder if this is final



jsitpwmgms gibberish gibberish

...

misalignment, confusion of the

important things in life

my calling, my soulmate, my passions,

the pleasure i oughta have in life



what rubbish

How should he be my best friend if all I speak about is my other best friend, wouldn't jealousy occur

But no it didn't go too badly and it gels us both so tightly together it is more important than the tangible intimacy many are familiar with already

(The average no. of sexual partners Singaporeans have is 5.8)

If I could I would make sense of this silly madness that is coupling and love and all.

But it is something good that which part of it eludes me sometimes, and frustrates me so.

I wish I wish that I could just home in on one thing,

I will and it is hard, because it will not be about me at all

I am the only one to blame for this. (See below).

Sad dreams, leave me by myself and I'm drenched in the rain of sadness..

Wish I could be by myself wish I could be happy

But I'm being obstinate with my own wishes

I think,

I have the dark side of a drug addict or alcoholic, someone constantly wanting to be in stupor, wanting to be intoxicated, wanting to indirectly damage myself and find pleasure amongst.

Guilt trappings.



They cause people to sometimes mis-treat the people they love.



Misunderstanding through defensiveness, judgmentalism perceived in every seemingly piercing word.



We should come clean and let go of the burden that weighs us down.

He's left out of count

I know he's out of it

But what - for

Lying down? Or for keeping warm



Lie with one lesser being

& keep warm with the far greater one?



It can't be-!



Why for, when I can lie and warm

- the same one

the phantom

Part 2





"

If anything, her phantom became real. In a different form, and much better inside too! Because there was the possible happening of love.



Love - in any case, something special indeed. What till it appears. And now -



It wasn't all about the physical coupling, nor the loneliness void that was being filled, no longer about that.



She was close to being set free.

"

story of those 2 : her and the phantom



"

It felt so good to be held. Sturdy shoulders of a man, shirt ruffled from the day and smelling of him. Mildly warm and beautiful to touch. Orange warm living room lighting too. And the space was too small to contain us both, but he tried strongly, and it proved valiant and took my breath away.



What would it feel like to be a man touching me the same way he did. In reality, would it have been smooth and creamy to the touch, smelling of a girl, warm too? Dressed in a skirt and beautiful blouse, would it have been pleasant for me if I were him. It must have been somewhat, enough to propel the hoist that followed after.



Hoist indeed. Can it be, that I am so light. I thought not, but he said, and proved, otherwise. I never was ever carried effortlessly like so, it was so amazing, I think I met a man with bodily strength of worth. By then, the space was really too small and we had to adjourn somewhere else. He lifted me so, legs around him and on his torso and hoisted me to a larger space in my room.



I thought it would never happen.



Count it credit to him, he removed the clothing barrier with amazing level of skill, it took my breath away to be handled with such efficacy. I wish I wasn't stressed, with so much hanging on my mind, because everything was beautiful, crafted by heavenly magic, and no one can ever replace this moment in succinct timing and grace; I know it.



He had the smoothest male skin I had ever felt bare this way, and he smelt wonderful even though spent by a day. I felt a spectator at the same time more, I felt him to be so good.



I'd love to do it again with my phantom, it could have been better. I want to envelope him again more than I could tonight, because he deserves more than this, more of me taking over him; he was so much more than my hands, my mouth, my legs could overwhelm. I wish I could.



But I'd better go. It ain't right for me to be here.

"

The space will be in flux

Not knowing where or how exactly

But beer chills and the quietness composes



I like it - the bitterness with great effect

Exact real and to the point

But with what in mind - nothing



In constancy there is boredom

In difference there too, tell me

How should I cruise through each day



In sleep, in awakeness barely

In shit-work and in trouble

In all these, there is me - life



I am so - bored - to the point of

Difference please! and of newness

that is rest. take me away.

Hides the truth. These are the things called parables. Or poetry and cryptic prose. I won't read them, not the way I wrote them. No wonder most people don't enjoy my poetry.



I will NOT tell you, I am lonely, or am of little worth, or think of silly things. Because it's silly to tell them to you. I am NOT supposed to be of these things. Be happy!



And I must. Mustn't show my weakness. Then please read on. There'll you'll find it, not that I want you to.



Everything sucks.

Walk me down this pavement touched with rain-film

I got lost in San Francisco

Went around and round and couldn't find him

And I woke up! I woke before



This stranger could help me to the end

I wanted so much to get to him...

He was semi-waiting for me to get there

Sitting on the bed in his shirt and jeans

the same old.



I wanted to I wanted to

But I missed him. So nearly so far.

!

I - want to get back to that horrible dream



Of finding him. Actually getting there.

Not merely getting bullied along the way by teenage Americans I somehow met

Will I -

Get there?



Will I -

Get there? I have to. I have to and it's in my head.



Seeing him every week, in real person

In depth and distance

Lovely human. Would love to have him. Really have him.

When can I? Will it be me. I will trench around in despair.

Yah.



Yayaya ya....

Sunday, God spoke to me about a miracle that He would give me at work on Monday.



I would really need that, thanks. Because my work needs a major turnaround, otherwise, there would be no longer any return.



Nothing but a little bitty faith, Monday arrived.



Thereon, Shuyi msged me in the morning,

"Elaine dear, you must hang on. This is a very trying period for you. It's a challenge. I believe in you. It's only from challenges that we discover how much we can actually achieve."



A little bit of faith.. a spoken word from God.. a miracle.. that I would always have encouragement when I need it.



That's it.



Little things done with great love. From my God. Makes such a huge difference in the climate of that office cubicle. In the despair of my heart. In the lack of motivating team-mates. Sometimes small things do so much matter.



Amen.

It won't be me.

This is a song

about letting go

about breaking down

and giving ourselves over to

Jesus Christ



'I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all ends up the same

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride

flew too high

and like Icaharus I collide



'In a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but love

To give and die



'To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves

More deeply than the oceans

More abundant than the tears

Of a world embracing every heartache



'Can I be the one to sacrifice?

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow?



'Take my world apart

I am on my knees

Take my world apart

Broken on my knees



'All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own

It takes all I am to believe

In the mercy that covers me



'Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

cos' what I need and what I believe are worlds apart



'Take my world apart

I am on my knees

Take my world apart

Broken on my knees



I look beyond the empty cross

Forgetting what my life has cost

Wipe away the crimson stains

That hold the nails that still remain

More and more I need you now

I owe you more each passing hour

Battles between grace and pride

Gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take my pain

Wash my feet and cleanse my pride

Take this selfish dirt away

All the things I cannot hide

Take my beauty take my tears

Sin and soul its yours

Take my world apart

Take it now, take it now

Serve the ones that I despise

Speak the words I can't deny



I look beyond the empty cross

Forgetting what my life has cost

Wipe away the crimson stains

That hold the nails that still remain

Take my beauty take my tears

Sin and soul heart its yours



All the things I cannot hide

Take my beauty take my tears



Take my world apart.. Take my world apart



Its worlds apart.'



Jars of Clay - Worlds Apart

I have lost interest in movies. Even though I have been somewhat deprived from them, the last being Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King, I am no longer feeling left out of the scene.



No longer does cooking delicious experimental food excite me, in fact I find cutting veg a chore.



I no longer find men attractive! And do not long to find a man to keep me full company. Company might be nice, but what for when I am asleep. I do not want a full-blown relationship as it will be too much work and trouble, and to have little spurts of warm male companionship is merely unrealistic and therefore a waste of time.



I do not feel like watching TV any more, not even the enjoyable stuff like foreign films, or AMI, or the dramas like The OC. I only turn him on (the telly dear, the telly) when I am traipsing around the flat in morning stupor, only to hear Jennifer Alejandro's and Nathan King's voice.



Even fashion and dressing up for work, that is a real toughie to me now. Ditto make-up. The colours used to excite me so. Now it's merely to disguise the horrors of au naturale me.



What I enjoy now - drinking, reading, chilling out in music, being with people. And, working. I love overworking.



Ah, bliss.

The flat is a mess. Just the other day my landlady came by to get her stuff. I realise how horrible the experience it must have been for her. But partially because I pre-empted her on the situation, she said nothing, only was concerned about the beer I had been drinking. Is drinking really a bad habit? Maybe the plight of the flat and the evidence of drinking is enough to imply a sub-par state of mind and well-being. I read and thought about the possibility that I have serotonin levels on the low side, which makes me susceptible to moodiness. I feel okay now though, but the flat certainly isn't. And I'm having some nice cold beer as I type this. Actually that makes me feel quite fine.

the following excerpt can be found on splashwurks.com



tell me a story. an opinion a view a thesis. a sermon, the word of God itself! show me heaven earth and all you see, or imagine, or both if you can.



tell me more about yourself, your life, the life of others. who did you see all your life? and what did you read about and who broke your heart? -are you troubled? on a journey, to an answer I hope?



language poetry prose and overheard dialogue. sounds that are called music by most and conversation by the learned some. assuming another life form an image altogether, can you be it and make me believe it? I want to see and feel the visionary sermon like it was a prophetic word in season like it was, it. Sharper than blades, like no word can speak... move me. move me, I want to feel your life, your joys, your sudden depression, your view of society, dance like politicians, and behave like animals. structural life form art in all dimensions I know it is no longer flat, this world, it is no longer plain, and I am but in one language now, too inadequate. I must see the world with all my being now.



but who is the being, it is just me. I am but one I cannot save all. I want the world to know and be loved and love in return, to experience life and life overflowing. I am but one. But I know, that because every place my foot treads will be mine, I will be able to start some, and then some more. I am but one, but I have been given like the servant in that parable, talents, and because they are in my possession, here I am. One, but living with passion, desiring nothing than to fulfill my destiny!

From 'Coco and Igor' by Chris Greenhalgh



"Someone once said... as two people approach a street corner from different directions, what are the chances of them both humming the same tune and, as they meet, of each reaching the exact same phrase? What are the chances of that happening, and what would it mean if it did?"





I'm back to basics again, I am indeed fallible. But I relish. It's so infantile I feel, to hear of or participate in a conversation of, 'I like someone...' etc, because, if you are attracted to someone you oughta just do something about it! Like go out with him, right? Why moan over it just to make conversation with a friend who will ultimately just nudge you when HE comes along and make you even more flush? But I am feeling that now, the 'I like someone' feeling, so strong, vaguely familiar, but tearingly painful now because I really, really can't do anything much about it this time. I keep making myself up to be a superwoman when actually I am also part girl. I wish I had a grip on myself but I really do like him and I feel almost ashamed to say so.



But I can't do anything about it, I should just let go of the hope and cherish the imagination...



Then again, how often do you meet someone who sings the same song and at the same time to the same phrase as you are when you meet him? Not as romantic as such, mine is, but then my attraction to him is the un-romanticised version, just one towards someone who is so precious to me that I would be broken, broken, if he were really never mine again.

To make a prairie (1755)

Emily Dickinson





To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,

One clover, and a bee.

And revery.

The revery alone will do,

If bees are few.







How come I feel happy alone? I have always wanted a soulmate and companion, but today I realise that I am more than surviving; living, without one. Maybe I have truly learnt to love me. Maybe, my destiny is more important, and so I shelve soulmating.



I think also, it could be, that it would take more than before to slip me up to fall in love again, over that cliff into fields of flowers. I mean, it was explosive, before, I have never written like that till I loved, obsessed, so much.



"I almost forgot

The shot of high that only

Comes with an extreme

—"



That was how much, how much. I can't believe I wasted it, now it has to come even harder and more extremely, for me to want him, someone, again. So difficult. Revery will do for me. There was but one bee and now he's gone away. He may never need me this clover but he could jolly well find another. Sunflower perhaps?

The CLOD & the PEBBLE by William Blake





02 Love seeketh not Itself to please,

03 Nor for itself hath any care;

04 But for another gives its ease.

05 And builds a Heaven in Hells despair.





06 So sang a little Clod of Clay,

07 Trodden with the cattles feet:

08 But a Pebble of the brook,

09 Warbled out these metres meet.





10 Love seeketh only Self to please,

11 To bind another to its delight:

12 Joys in anothers loss of ease,

13 And builds a Hell in Heavens despite.





I stared myself in the mirror of this and saw a pebble, pretty and selfish.



I loved to possess and keep for the rest of my life that I might have bliss.



Mid-morning sunshine, and away from here.



Listening is a struggle to me and learning to do it was and still is an upward climb. I can't believe how un-instinctive it is for me; I have no big capacity to love whatsoever.



But I started somewhere and my selfish love is still now a memory. I have no desire to resurrect the object of my love to make it unselfish even.



Because of this I have become happy.



Now the only thing that sucks is my job at the bank...

Genesis 8:22



"As long as the earth endures,

seedtime and harvest,

cold and heat,

summer and winter,

day and night

will never cease."



Do you know how fair God is? As long as you sow, you will reap. Destruction unto destruction, character unto trust, prospecting unto sales, investment unto returns. The fruit will tell what seed you have planted.



This is the way this universe works whether you want it to or not.



What you sow, you will reap. I'm glad my character brings me rewards, it only glorifies God and his truth even more and I'm proud.



I'm trying to plant the right seed where I can, I hope I will continually get better at this agricultural law of seed time and harvest.

stars

I was telling this boy called Han that I have lacked the inspiration for poetry in a while.

My poetry used to be written by my love for H, my love for God, my destiny. Could it be I need to fall in love with my God much much more now, to fill these pages of my blog?


I love this poem of mine. I called it Stars.


I saw the stars tonight
Inheritance—we conquered earth
My children in the sky
As many as are, mine
More too

I saw the beach that evening
Beyond which sea touched sky
Starfish Project.
‘It mattered to that one.’
But I know more
and so do they:
He gave me a possibility to rescue them all
—he had the same grand dream.

My inheritance, my dream
What more, this earth contains?
Love and love. For me
Two is better to make life
3 will make dreams
Turn to reality before us.

It has been a bit depressing for viewing pleasure.





I think it would be useful to have some physical description of things instead.



I'm listening to world music, jazz and classic 1970s music on Gold 90 FM now. Its great listening to such idyllic sounds that make-believe for me, while its raining and I'm here in my flat with myself.



Karen Carpenter sings such beautiful lyrics.



I wanted to go swimming so that I could think underwater, at a condo pool near my place. But it's raining, so what I did was eat a bowl of Thai-Malay beef noodles in Clementi.



By the way, Shu Uemura has a wonder cleanser! It's great!

If you starve anything long enough, it will shut down.



This is from Wally Lamb's "I Know This Much Is True".



If you imprison anyone, no matter how much that person loves you, he will have to save himself and get out.



Makes sense to me. I'm sorry H.

Enid said, "You should always blog for yourself, first."



Okay.



This all starts with a story. Scroll down. I'm inviting you to read a very small part of it.



It's really a small part. I'm not telling to the world, to side with me, or to claim injustice, forbid!



But to share words in woven beauty, all motivated by love.



I will write like that again soon. I've been stocking up you see, on loving me.



I'll tell you more next time.



--Keep a lookout! (",)

Friday, March 5 2004



My relationship with Huanjie ended last December.



Some people know it from me as in a 'permanent KIV position' and that's true too.



Do we have a loyal fan following? Sorry about that. I really am. I didn't expect H and I to go this route.



But if you read the poem called Dilemma, maybe you will get some understanding. I hope you do. And perhaps tell me so I can feel it clearer. I wrote Dilemma while we were still one, so it has dual understanding for me now, when I re-read it again.



Tell me okay?