Sunday, May 29, 2005

Hang

Hangover: the feeling I get when I drink too much wine. Water slushing in my head and all that.

Hang: That bloody computer that hangs whenever I use certain applications, or the one that hangs because the game is just too fast too furious for it.

Hangups: I try not to have too many of them, people around me definitely do have them.

Hang up: the phone, on me, because I couldn't help crying on my end of the line.

Hang nail: none recently, thankfully.

Hanged: for crimes, or by wives whom you are not subservient enough to.

Hang on: because the game is not over till you win. Because I am multi-tasking on the phone while you wait a minute or two. Because I'm tired I need you to hold this for a while.

Hang: the laundry, which I will have to do later, on hangers, even though I'm tired, urgh.


Any more hangs to be hung?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

An Answer

"For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

He said, God has left me.
I am dry. Bruised reed.

My solace is like dungeons
Erroneous destinations.

He said, Enlarge your tents,
But I got weak thereafter

I should have, strengthened stakes,
and lengthened cords and all that

Yet I fell, and felt that
I failed everyone possible

And God-

And God, never did leave me
He carried my spirit crying deeply

Will writing ever take away my sadness
No, it won't.

Life is long. Will I endure?

I will be sad except for Jesus.

I will die without you Jesus
I really would have.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Solace

I try to eradicate the sense of lack, but in seeking solace, I find dungeons. Where I lay, I saw comfort and peace, but it never remains where it is; I never do either.

'I cannot walk down this path with you,'

I cannot.

Everyone is leaving me. They are picking up and picking up speed and going to places I cannot go.

I cannot go where you are going. This is my solace - you are my solaces. But enter in and I find that it is not for me. I have come to an erroneous destination; should I stay or go?

Comfort and intimacy are transient. They will leave the void and pass away, and leave me behind, or in another place.

Should I go my own way, or turn and follow someone for his companionship. Should I take the loneliness with my lofty ideals or take the love and stay with the family.

With this current selection of options, there is no compromise, and I can't have it all. This is good for now: one for the other, or else a sense of passing through.

Passing through - we all do that, is that true? I can't stay, I can't go. This is why people feeling depressed will sleep through it all and wake up feeling like nothing.

Enter in, the dungeon. Goodnight.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Every Nothing

the things that cause a stop in the fall-asleep process.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

What has been happening...

If there was a need to explain, here I will do it.

Puzzling how everything is seemingly still in place.

What in the world...?

Actually, I have been really busy with my work. My life now centres around a few things: work, church, Calvin. That's about all there is. No errands like banking, no shopping, not even for groceries, no cleaning and housework, (yes the house is filthy and in a mess), and no time to read mail. I mean REAL mail, the kind that comes to your letterbox.

Right now, I only fulfill the minimal obligations that I have. Thankfully, all of them I enjoy immensely. Yes I love my work, I love God and church, I love Calvin.

It has been confirmed - I am a workaholic. I now truly believe no one else around me and my colleague Huanjie are as workaholic as we are. No one can really say that they are tired and have so much work because really, we have more. Trust me on that one. Not that I am being proud, but I have reached my own pinnacle that I never saw possible. Working on weekends - check. 20 hour days - check.

I have never worked so hard in my life before. This is like farming. Bending back, planting rice in muddy water, enduring the heat, and feeling all alone in the fields save for your co-worker's presence (for which I thank God!), rushing to meet the seasons. Deadlines. They are always there, they will always arrive at your doorstep.

I really need a car and a licence. The travelling is wearing me down in terms of time spent. I have to scuttle between Pasir Ris / Clementi / Eunos / East Coast / Upper Serangoon / Woodlands and so on for every other day I have to work. Which is almost every day.

I am now in a serious cash flow problem. Where are the thousands scheduled to come in? I wait eagerly. They are on the way, but I need to wait a little while longer. They are certain, but I need to wait. They are on paper, but all still on credit, not in cash. Meanwhile, my debts pile up. I have never owed so many organisations so much money in my lifetime. When I get my cash, I hope I also will find the time to go pay these bills. I think the money is more certain to come by, than the time.

My right arm is strained from over-use. Carrying materials, doing art, they all add to the injury. Yet at the same time I need to paint murals and use my arm for daily living. But of course - arm, how so important right.

We now have about 10 projects to manage at the same time, all at varying levels of completion. The birth pains hurt. The solution does not stop at hiring. It begins with it, but then it continues for a long while, into training and coaching, and into building relationships. Most of all, it is about creating leaders who will change the world with us. All of which take time.

This all adds up... And I feel depressed. This is psychological warfare as well. Anger, tiredness, stress, friction - emotional pressure makes me blow it. Snap.

But right now, I am okay. I should be. I have my indulgences. Intimacy, beer, food, conversation when I can afford it.

I hope I will be okay. I've been prayed for. For health. Inside of me, I say amen to that aspect of health which maintains my psyche, because the snaps have started. I hope they will end.

This is my explanation.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Dry

See the land.

Dry- the water lies beneath
I have none at the moment
He said, God has left me

I am wilting. Bruised
Reed that stands no one in the wind
Alone in the oasis where winds surround

Cuts my flesh in cold
-but not in pain, there is none
the surface has no water.

I am dry wilting
The land is of promise
I remain cut by the wind of no pain.