No two ways about it

I am well and truly fucked. See ya.

One-liner rambles

Those children. They are not mine.

I'm sorry. I mistook him for you.

Movies are a great way to get music into your life.

I'm programmed to believe it won't work.

Mutual exclusion.

My Best Friends

For Jiahui.

Everyone needs a support network of friends and family, to tide them by the bad times, and to truly share and enjoy the best times. A person without strong relationships with his kith and kin, can merely exist as a buoy on an ocean – isolated and without direction. The people we come to love as best friends, serve as our mirrors, to reflect our weaknesses, that we may grow to become better. They remind us of our strengths and passions, that we may never stray from the great things we are called to do.

A girl who has become my longest-standing best friend to date, is Enid. I love her as a sister and friend, and have much in common with her, such that many can almost never tell us apart audibly. Yes, we are almost equally noisy and crazy, although naturally I win in most respects. She loves to travel, hates wimpy sorts, enjoys art, and will become one of the nation's many but few great teachers. I am glad that she is teaching with my team in Splashwurks, because we love to impact the world with art and education, I am blessed that she can join me. Enid is one of a kind - her mannerisms, her openness, her company. She has the neatest handwriting one can have even in a hurry, and she has great legs and fair skin. Her favourite makeup brand is i nuovi, and she has photos of a rabbit and Vincent Ng in her wallet. Although today I don't see her as much I hope to, she knows and I know that we will always only be a phone call away.

Another girl friend of mine whom I have come to love, is Shuyi. Because we shared a part of our lives together in Citibank, our lives have been bound together almost inextricably. Even today, we still enjoy an intimate drink together in town when we have a free night, margaritas or what have you, and we love to bitch forever. Mostly about good stuff - we have much to talk about. She cares about me like I care about her, and we enjoy each other's company often enough. Not just over drinks, but over shopping, films and performances, and of course, conversation. She introduced me to shu uemura cleansing oil, pays for me when I am often poor, loves the arts too, and we both love shoes, bags, clothes, makeup, all the girlie things, you name it, we love it. She has nice clothes, soft black long curls for hair, small chinese eyes, and she gives a charming yet slightly wily smile when she knows you are being cheeky.

I have another best friend, who sought very much to understand me from the day he first knew me. Despite being quiet and reserved regarding the most intimate things, he gradually lets me see his tears in motion while telling me his own dreams and thoughts. I could not be more grateful. But what is openness and vulnerability, where there is no exchange - for that I shared with him my poems, told him stories, and took his comfort because he was good at giving it right from the start. They say nice guys never win, but Calvin does, every time it must count. I know, that he is a man of great influence, and that is seared into his very destiny. He is a good companion for many things: conversation, movies, good meals, coffee, drinks, chilling out. Of course, being a man - and men come from Mars - he will do his caveman routines such as computer gaming, running a lot, soccer with other Martians, things that attest to the fact that men will truly always be boys. We will be different, but then again, we get things done together rather well. And so he remains a special best friend.

to be continued...

Hatred

oh hatred what a lovable person you are
your self-concept is all that is

will writing ever take away my sadness

i can go try to change the future, but i sit here and write
about how the past and the foregone will age me and make me sad

it is not helping

but i sit here and continue

i do not really wish to forget

we will always carry this regret, but then again

only I shall have a morsel at my mind's corner, that

history, can change.

so i continue writing here, it carries my sadness;
i shall continue carrying my sadness.

To A Jilted Lover by Sylvia Plath

Cold on my narrow cot I lie
and in sorrow look
through my window-square of black:

figured in the midnight sky,
a mosaic of stars
diagrams the falling years,

while from the moon, my lover's eye
chills me to death
with radiance of his frozen faith.

Once I wounded him with so
small a thorn
I never thought his flesh would burn

or that the heat within would grow
until he stood
incandescent as a god;

now there is nowhere I can go
to hide from him:
moon and sun reflect his flame.

In the morning all shall be
the same again:
stars pale before the angry dawn;

the gilded cock will turn for me
the rack of time
until the peak of noon has come

and by that glare, my love will see
how I am still
blazing in my golden hell.

Abandoned / Death

Abandoned

I have this recurring, alive, nightmare.
Remember San Francisco?
Now think Bangkok.

I keep seeing it. Everywhere
I turn and there's that place.
I asphyxiate.

The detail, the sounds
They are all there
I try to shut them out-!

But they remain and remain
and remain, my heart is so
burdened.

She is so weighed down
By the pain of being lost
And forgotten

I thought, he sang,
How do I really forget?
He sang the same, and promptly
-forgot.

I have been abandoned.
No one will ever find me
and I will never find him again.

______
Death

How indeed can anyone like me
survive this earth, carrying loss and be
happily ever after.

Plath said, he will be the death of me
And he was. I said
'You mean the world to me'

And yet I, after the wondrous affair,
still find death
in all the things that should have remained

alive
the world
mine
mine no longer.

It forced my fingers open
Pried him out of my hands
And then took it all away

I am remains.
My own fault.
Theirs too, but eventually
all mine.

I am no longer
Here but no longer
Death. It almost took me too.

I know one thing surely
That I am born to rise from the ashes
This time, the phoenix

In mourning of the loss I carry
burdened, I cannot forget
I may well never.

That will be the death of me.