thank you Father

My Dad paid for my house with his CPF today. He just turned 55 this month. Now I have lesser debts to clear. I am very poor. I have to make it bigger next year.

This year was a 400% improvement over last year's FY revenue. At least our business is a worthy investment of our sweat tears blood - literally - and money. Next year has to be at least 200% improvement over this.

Then at least I will be able to help my parents pay for their house in future, instead of this way around.

Then, also, at least I can live less indebted to them and to Calvin, HDB, CPF, MPTC, Singtel, Starhub, PUB, etc.

Meanwhile, for today, thank you Father, my provider.

googlism elaine!

elaine is king again

elaine is the devil? who would have guessed

elaine is ally's nosy yet endearing secretary

elaine is also known as the famed lady of shallot

elaine is the sweetest girlfriend in the world

elaine is thinking

elaine is doing well

elaine is a writer

elaine is dying

elaine is far from dead

elaine is a character i create

elaine is titsass sado macho

elaine is gone?

elaine is er

elaine is in her truck sobbing

elaine is alex something

elaine is haunted by cordelia

elaine is sharon's rat

elaine is so right

elaine is dortmund indian porno

elaine is adolescente underage pornstars

elaine is libere teenboys naked

elaine is gone?

elaine is still angry about the state of her house

Just discovered Googlism. Decided to post this because of Postmodern Courtesan.

Post yours and link me!

I love you

Because of who you are.

The fact that you exist, makes me love you.

I will finally feel safe when you take me

Till then, I will take you in like the strawberry tint on my oxygen.

I hate you.

But not because you killed my family, murdered my dog or raped my sister.

Because some jigsaws just don't fit correctly,

until turned around.

Till then, some things are just irksome

and I let the sun set on my irritation and anger.

And then I hurt you, say I hate you, even though, you know that I actually don't.

We have a beautiful thing that we have to keep making together.

about blog reading

Okay, I have to admit that I love reading blogs. Friends' and strangers' alike.


What sort of blogs do I read? I will write about my favourite blogs here. But I can't share all my links, because some folks like Pam and Sylvia keep their blogs rather private, which I respect.


I definitely enjoy Sylvia's blog because she updates often enough, and meatily enough, albeit in cryptic storylines about characters and situations you would have to guess about if you weren't talking to her lately.


I like Suzzoo! Because she updates frequently and she writes stuff that is nice to read, snippets, and they are thought out and written properly, with grammar and all in place. Sometimes she puts up nice pics too. And her animated gifs are real cute!


I like to read Enid's blog because she is one of my best friends, and she is mad, so I have to read her blog. Plus it is updated as often as Sylvia's I believe.


I love the Informalist because he posts lovely poems, and writes well, something I so respect, and he is not all uppity and elitist about it too. He is human despite his romantic language and spiritual content - yes he looks at pretty girls on the street, no he is not lost in his own non-utterable state of mind, yes he has a nice smile in person although not in the cute-boy kind of way. Well, you've gotta meet him to judge for yourself.


Another favourite, because he writes such profound things which I like reading, is Izzzak, who I only know because of his blog. His blog posts are every one interesting to me.


I actually have, in total, 26 blogs on bookmark, and still counting.


As for local celebrity bloggers, I read the usual - Rockson, Xiaxue, Blinkymummy, etc. Also the scantily-clad girlish blogs like Sandralicious, SPG, Singleserves. I also like Postmodern Courtesan because for a call girl she writes really well.


Speaking of scantily-clad sexblogs, I of course being the public enjoy reading them, at times with disgust, like when I see Hazel's breasts, I can't take it ~~~ But then again, I don't understand the pleasure in blogging details like they do. I really don't see why I would ever blog about my sexual encounters, size of breast, length of pubic hair or amount of cum. Urgh.


Like what H would say: Why watch others do what you can do yourself?

this is absolutely the last one

Because I keep doing this to share with my girlfriends Syl and Enid you see.

But now it has to stop, because this has nothing to do with writing!

Okay, here goes, the last blogthing I will put up on worldsuponwords. Promise. After this, I will be a good writer-girl.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

since enid took this blogthing...

How You Live Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to always dream of things within reach - and you usually get them.

How Do You Live Your Life?

enter my world

I write about everything that is me and linked to who I am.


You will discover me, human, with a unique personality, just like you are.


Enjoy me as I enjoy you.

passion

Is it worth sacrificing a life of complete worship, for one that consists of myself and my supposed holy ideals?


Sometimes we lose sight of the Maker for the Plan.


No, I am not backslidden, or turned cynical. I was listening to Passion, and was inspired to think this. It says:


Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You
To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in the truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you


My glorious ambition, should be to know my King.


Even loving the people I love, doing stuff to change the world and make any difference, should come a pale second place to this. I almost am unable to say this: sorry, you come second place to my God, nothing can be worth it to take over His place in my heart.


It sounds like an egotistical demand by someone who is earthly-invisible. But then again, when one is in love, no one can say, she is too fat for you, or he is not very rich etc, because what matters is, I love this person nonetheless, and this person loves me. Such unconditional love for me, any outsider comment could be likened to near-jealousy.

pamper

I love to pamper the one I love, with exfoliating scrubs and masks, drinks and warm cooked food, snacks and ice-cream which I will buy, and gifts if I can afford them.

Too bad to those who cannot be fussed.

club madness

I need to go drinking.



Sometimes you just feel that you need to be happy and party till late, drink and dance and most importantly, dress up for yourself and your lovely companions.



Only thing good about the time I worked in the bank, was that parties were so often I had to say no sometimes, and that, they were all free.



No worries, party time coming real soon...



Ahead: 2 pre-wedding parties, possibly three, for 3 different couples. I love the fact that I can join in the festivities without actually having to be wed myself.



What I feel like drinking: champagne, like Moet which is on offer at Balaclava if you are keen, and something hard like single malts and cognacs on ice.



What I need to hear: REAL GOOD MUSIC like what I really missed out on Breakinasia, according to Kelvin.




Now! I am gonna work real hard so that I can realise this cravings of mine many times over, very soon.

drama backdrop creation

Today I did Sherilyn one part of my favour to her. She wrote, and is directing a play for her church, and thus needs people to help her with a backdrop. We have talked about the design, and will be already starting on it.


So today, her team and I were practising some sketches at my place.


We had to paint some sketches of petals and roses, hence the new title image you see here. Her design is one of a rose, with petals, against a Surrealist backdrop. Think Salvador Dali's Meditative Rose.


Yeah, it's quite difficult. Especially since I hate painting flowers because the ordinary pigments we usually use won't do at all. You end up improvising and coming up with depressive looking flower petals. Still, it was fun.

fat cat

My silly Calvin, red with drink, with the fattest cat ever at Kelly's house party. The girls were jealous, and the cat was feeling damn shiok.

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest: You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future. At Your Lowest: You feel in a slump and lack creativity. In Love: You tend to be many people's ideal partner. How You're Attractive: You make people feel confident and accepted. Your Eternal Question: "What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's Your Power Color?

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not! You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

The Underwear Oracle

Haha! This is funny. If you go take it, you will understand. I have all kinds of underwear, so it means that I am only a 'closet exhibitionist' etc. when I am wearing a white thong?! Rubbish! But fun rubbish to do when one is sick at home.

fashion

I like fashion, hence I like reading fashion magazines, my favourite is Elle, and I also like Bazaar lately.

I enjoy improvising my clothes to achieve Diva on a Dime. I have tees I haven't painted, and jeweled beads I haven't sewn. The possibilities are endless. Jean Paul once called me, Stella McCartney! What an honour! He said that to me because I have a skirt with jewels that I sewed in a pattern I designed myself, with a wrap I sewed myself too, in a style I borrowed from Mango, all this whilst everyone was in typical gown-garb at a bank dinner.

My favourite trends are the vintage, retro and ethnic ones. They are not in fashion now, except for vintage-Victorian, hurray! because I love lace.

My secret favourites are corporate suits, with heels and stockings, full makeup and wonderful handbag. With that, I finally look my age and perhaps older and more credible. I am sure that it is a nice look: I met my Calvin wearing my pin-striped pant suit and a red lycra top beneath, with black kitten-heel pumps.

But I am now poor. I want to buy new sexy dresses and all so that I can go for all my year-end events. Even if I improvise, I still need money, can't keep wearing the same ensembles.

Hopefully, can go shopping soon, and be happier and less poor. And be my fashionista again!

presence

I smell my bed and sniff the pillows, just so I can remember you were here last night.

summary

I like to please people I love
I like to write, a lot
I can be anal and complaining about some things though I won't admit it
I enjoy curriculum planning and development more than direct teaching
I want to be a counselor or be somewhat trained in providing emotional and psychological welfare support
I will be cash rich soon because the end of the year is coming
I will be going to Cambodia again!
I want to make some art very soon, which I will
I can be moody when my hormones are against me
I feel fat even though I lost weight, how silly
I enjoy writing, oh, I mentioned that. Hence my favourite tasks at work involve Microsoft Word.
I want to read more and learn more about subjects I am interested in but did not study very much in school
I like my house.

girlish girly girl

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

- inspired by Enid who insists she is not a girlish girlie girl and who believes she can say that three times fast too.

wind.



chilly like cold water left out awhile on the kitchen kopitiam table
like silk, wrapping around you and your partner just as your hands link
sign of a location - the beach, the sea, the sand, the impending monsoon
complements the sun which bakes you if under SPF 30
makes the water look clearer than it already is
lovely because he is hot



I know that perfection is not mine, but at least, I know the earth is mine, and his hand is in mine, perfection will one day be mine because of my Messiah,

- and God has thus given me
three beautiful things more than I can ever imagine

This is SO wrong

You Are Likely a Third Born (!!?)

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

I am an only child. Hence I talk to myself. Am mad. Am crazy. Enjoys being alone, and with intimate close friends mostly. Very noisy.

But I am indeed a sales person. Though, this is still utter rubbish...! Go do a blogthing!

delirious

Do you talk to yourself when you are alone at home? I do.


And, right here, on a blog: Do you write as if to yourself?
I do too.


Thing is, on both instances, I imagine someone is listening.



I am delirious.

have I lost my spirituality?

I find myself practising a brand of spirituality that is different from what I used to in the past.


I used to be real caught up, rapturously into worship and into the Holy of Holies with him. I still worship him, but less in that way now.


I play the guitar less, I talk to him less, I seldom see the angels now, and I can sleep now at night without talking very much to him.


Today I find myself down-to-earth. I see remnants of Christ-likeness in the things I do in daily life. And its less immersion, more action. I remind myself of Jiaying who said this once, that she loved God through loving his people, and that one-ness with God was to her, like that.


Perhaps that's me now.



Somehow it feels distant. I feel like intimacy in my life is gone.

words lately

I have nothing very much to write lately.



My words are often written inspired by what I am reading at the time.



Currently I am reading a book on the history of art exhibitions. I have to say, it is one of the first boring academic books that keeps me devouring, ever since touching the stuff I had to read in school on HRM and sociology and the like, all of which I also love, but had to read more than actually wanting to, like the way I do this book now.




Hence what I have written mainly is on Salon Solidarity, since it is about art.




I learn the most through what I read. I will remember words more than images, and definitely more than sounds. If I go to an arts event which has all kinds of displays, the textual ones are the ones I remember most. Hence drama bores me sometimes, unless it is onscreen and has subtitles. Dance and music are okay. Visual art has me in raptures. But I can cry at what I read and be moved to write so much, so much more.

save the children

I just awoke from a dream.



(I woke up late, slept in and missed church... shucks. Tired because I went to the Journey of Faith exhibition last night till 230am - awesome!)



In my dream, I was somehow affiliated to this family, which has a secondary-school-going older brother, and a younger sister, cute young thing like the girl from Sun Koh's film, the girl who didn't want to learn the piano. They had a mother, a sensible lady, who reminds me of Shuyi's mother (of course it wasn't, in my dream). This family stayed in a HDB flat on one of the high floors.



One day, the little girl got approached by a male stranger uncle who she maintained her courtesies with despite the fact he had no-good intentions.



This little girl was so traumatised by the incident inwardly, but the adults in her world, including me, had little awareness of what had happened between her and that strange man. We carried on interacting with her as we would with a child. In my dream I saw scenes where she came to what I believe was my room, where there was a retro wooden desk, and at my desk we talked a bit. She might have told me about the incident with the stranger, but as a child she wouldn't know exactly what the man did to her, and I just comforted her and told her to be careful and to go out with somebody always. But that was it.



She actually went to the doctor by herself, resourceful girl, on the precept of some illness occuring to her, or some ointment she needed. But what happened at the doctor's office, was that she told the doctor about that incident with that man. The doctor, being perceptive, inspected her and found out exactly what went on.



All this happened when I was not around for the day, and when I returned, the mom and I believe another relative who was present, said they found out that the little girl had been harrassed by a man, and they were now going to the brother's school to look for his teacher for help. Apparently the teacher who taught the brother in school was capable of providing social assistance of some kind. While the mother was calmly relating the course of action to me, the little girl remained standing, and then the mother told her that if she was too tired to stand she could, I think, lean against the wall or something. I said, why does she need to stand?



And then it occurred to me somehow, in the dream, that the little girl had been raped.



I asked if she was hurting, the mother said, regularly, since that day it happened. The doctor said standing would alleviate the pain and quicken the healing process (you do remember this is a dream).



So we went off to the school. While we were loitering outside what I believe was the staff room, I took the little girl and hugged her and cried over her. I told her to be strong and that when she grew up she could do something to help prevent this from happening to other girls. Of course, she cried too, and asked me questions about what I was saying through my tears, and I explained.



The mother then said to me, to help find the teacher; the boy was in class 3/3. So I went around the school.



But I got lost. The school suddenly resembled my old secondary school. A very very old version of it. My secondary school was over two school plots, one had previously been Willow Secondary School. No longer in existence since a long time ago. Hence the place was very old, with much mud and overgrown grass on gravel paths between blocks, and the canteen, a tiny old dilapidated canteen, looked the same.



I have no clue as to why I got lost, perhaps I wasn't searching properly. I skimmed through some classrooms on a floor, and then went to the next - that was how I searched. This was in the afternoon session, and school was coming to an end for the day very soon. Still, I continually got lost.



Finally I landed in a classroom where some students were playing guitar and singing a bit. I went in and joined them, for awhile. Later one of the boys started plucking a tune, which I realised I knew - it was You Are Why, a worship song. I loved it, and sang it with them.



Then I asked them, where is 3/3? Did they know this boy - I gave a name. The guitar boy said, it is too late now, school is ending. It was indeed, getting dark.



I had gotten lost, and distracted, even if by a good thing.



I awoke and thought about this dream. I realised immediately, it was my state of being. I am passionate about saving people and providing social welfare and counselling type of ministry to many, especially children, especially in Asia.



But instead, I get lost, and distracted, and am nowhere near actually helping anyone - not even one little girl who I loved in the dream. I didn't have a plan.



God, what is my plan of action now?



I have come to realise recently, that the season of change has happened to me, where after I have done one part - my art education business - I now need to consider the other aspect of social welfare ministry. My art education business is meant to be an exportable resource platform which can be used in ministry. Now, a new phase is shaking me up, and my thoughts are of warning: I have to listen to Him for a plan now, and it must not pass me by nor must I get lost and distracted.



Lives are at stake.



When will I finally gain insight into the next step of my calling?

writing like an academic

It is startling, but I am finally admitting that I enjoy writing papers and the like. Somehow my degree training has caused me to be able distill theories and concepts into word form. Entire theorems in various strata, all connected in bullet points with multiple axes, in my head. Although of course, this process is arduous, with many points of rest in between, otherwise I will become brain-dry.


Nothing is more difficult than communicating about the arts in words. It is almost impossible, but with precise language and clarity, it might be possible to get the point across. Barely.


In the meantime, I will continue writing, and try to be more brilliant as I do.

snoopy animated gif

reading orgy

Silly Tampines library is located off-centre among some HDB blocks, but I found it just before dinner.


(was at Tampines visiting the schools there).


Lovely, I picked out five books and sat down with them. In the end I borrowed three of them. The other two, I will probably end up actually buying one of them. Both are good to collect.


Well, I love owning books. My bookshelf does not do me justice, I read more than this.


Unfortunately, it is dominated by girly mags (no choice must buy, plus there's both mine and Jan's - exquisite...), Murakami books, some classics like Tolstoy and DHLawrence, chick lit, and some other serious fiction I have. Because my place is now a SOHO, we also have a collection of art books. But that's about all.


It could be better.


I borrowed a book by Hanif Kureishi - loved his book called the Black Album; I borrowed Gabriel's Gift. Also, chick-lit (Shopaholic Ties the Knot), recommended by Kenny's new lady friend Eleanor. The third is an academic book called The Ephemeral Museum. I will write more about this one at Salon Solidarity.


Well the two books I passed by, both were by Milan Kundera.


I will read like crazy. Absolute favourite activity. How escapist.

OOH

Salon Solidarity got featured on tomorrow.sg! I hope that more and more people wil contribute to the blog, the growth and vision of this blog is exciting.

jap lit and film

Recently someone I met recommended I read a rather un-newly published book: Memoirs of a Geisha.



Perhaps I should, seeing that its movie is coming out.



She recommended I read it despite the fact that I usually would not love a 'bestseller'. Yeah, I am not one of those who enjoys reading stuff like 5 people you meet in heaven blah blah. I might like this one in spite of that. Especially since it is no longer a hot-item-off-the-shelf type anymore.



Also because I am rather enamoured now of Japanese literature and such. Of course, fuelled by my darling Haruki, but also, by the Japanese Film Festival. C and I watched Letters From A Mountain. I loved it. Of course, I also was the one who chose the film. As per C's words to Kenny: "If you were looking for the senseless violence sort of action flick, this one is half-a-star." If you are in the melancholic, recovering from depression, nature-loving, spiritual or Buddhist or missions orientated mood, and if you love writing - like as much as I do would be enough - then you will love this film. I also hope to catch the others, like Tony Takitani - a Haruki Murakami short story adaptation - hopefully I can. Alas many artsy things elude me for my lack of time and companions.



Having mentioned Haruki, I will definitely save up to buy Kafka on the Shore, as well as complete reading all his other novels and short stories.




I want to read and soak more and more of these Jap lit and film. Despite their crazy anoneh culture. I can't help being entranced by well-written accounts of different cultures around the world. Australia's history, London's subcultures, Irish life, and , you will never believe it, I love reading Rockson's blog - he reminds me of Peter Carey's book on the Kelly Gang. If you haven't read it before: Peter Carey wrote in first person as Ned Kelly, completely in colloqial Irish-accented English.



Meantime, I need more books badly.

memorising

I find that I have a unique style of memory.



If I read something that interests me, without actually taking notes, I can amazingly still remember the details and talk or write about it, closed-book.



I realised this when I wrote about Impressionism on Salon Solidarity. I have taught about Impressionism twice only but I can still remember all the details about the artists, the background and etc.



When I read my students' books on Social Studies and Geog, I find that I also still can remember. Like the fact that tropical monsoon forests are deciduous and have 3 layers, whereas tropical rainforests have 5 layers and are evergreen. Or that North Ireland is made up of the Protestants and that Republic of Ireland is made of the Catholics (I just read that today).



I also remember quotes, though I may not remember the sources exactly.



Perhaps I am really too far literal a learner. I need to train the other disciplines of my mind.