Tuesday, January 31, 2006

need your help

It recently came to my knowledge about this organisation that is helping street kids in Vietnam, called Blue Dragon.


Blue Dragon helps disadvantaged kids currently in Northern Vietnam, through providing refuge, financially sponsoring kids, through various rehabilitation efforts.


They are also holding an event in Singapore at the M1 Fringe Festival - Art and Healing. The details of the event I have pasted at the end of this post.


They are about to open a new centre in Hanoi, in about 2 weeks it seems, World Vision is helping them find a place (read the blog to find out more), and they need some assistance in this. I have made contact with them to ask them what they need. Basically it is easier for them to buy the stuff they need in Hanoi itself so what they would need is cold hard cash. Of course, if you can spend some time going over to Hanoi to volunteer that would be great too.


The director has sent me a list of things they need to money to buy for the new centre. They are willing to furnish receipts of the items they buy with the money you commit them with, if you are wary, as we all should be to some extent. The list is also found at the end of this post.


What I am hoping to do through now is perhaps do a little cash pool if you think you want to donate small sums. If you think you would want to do that, contact me if you know me personally. Else, you could also get in touch with the director himself to give. Michael Brosowski can be emailed at bluedragon@bdcf.org


Also, please forward this information to as many people who can care about this at all. I hope that they will be able to get what they need as far as possible.


Hope this will garner your interest and response.




Fringe Festival - Forum Blue Dragon (Vietnam)
Street To School:
A Discussion on Street Children in Vietnam

26 February 06
4 - 5.30 pm
Singapore History Museum, Bright Box

FROM shining shoes on the streets of Hanoi to working in reputable restaurants and earning a decent living is nothing short of a quantam leap. Street To School brings together Vietnamese teenagers who have made this leap with support from Blue Dragon
Children's Foundation. Michael Brosowski, director of Blue Dragon, will talk
about who Vietnam's street children are and what happens to them. Two Vietnamese teenagers, who were once ‘shoeshine boys’, will discuss their personal experiences of life on the streets. A discussion will follow on how such a transformation in their lives is possible and how Singaporeans can help make that happen. Michael Brosowski moved to Hanoi in 2002 and founded Blue Dragon Children's Foundation in response to the need of the hundreds of street children working in the city. Sim Chi Yin
started taking pictures for Blue Dragon in early 2004, documenting the
young rural-urban migrants who make a living on Hanoi's streets. She
works as a newspaper journalist.

Venue:
Singapore History Museum
30 Merchant Road #03-09/17
Riverside Point,
Singapore 058282
Nearest MRT station: Clarke Quay, Exit B (Next to Swissotel Merchant Court)
Telephone: (65) 6332 3659



Hanoi new centre 'wish list'

wish list 06

Monday, January 30, 2006

new year nuggets

1.
Sunday night I went for drinks with my parents at the DFS lounge in JB's Eden Hotel. My dad's friend who was spending his new year alone was asked along too. His name is Ah Qian. I asked my mom, 'Ah Qian, as in, lui eh qian?' My mom described Ah Qian before we picked him up: 'Like small boy, 30plus, but later you see, he looks like a small boy!' So well, my mom and I talk alike sometimes. At Eden, between us four, we had six jugs of Heineken. Anyway, that is way too much, when I drink that much beer, I end up sleeping too lightly. The last time that happened was when I had two and a half of the barrel-sized Hoegaarden's. After beer, we had very nice prata in Tmn. Pelangi. The tissue prata, nice! With condensed milk drizzled just so slightly. Yup. And RM$1.50. Istimewa, bagus sia!


2.
My parents' place in JB has no internet, and no neighbours' wireless connections to steal either. Suffice to say, I was bored, and somehow felt that I would not be able to get much work done, which in the end I did a bit on Cal's trusty lappy. Anyway life was so languid for the holidays: eat, sleep, watch TV, read my old journals, letters and autograph books, pray, write, read Archie! I slept so much my mom marvelled.


3.
Malaysia's festive holiday celebration will be incomplete without firecrackers and such.




















Disclaimer: Not mine, distant neighbours'.





4.
Even though I love my parents very much and constantly worry and pray for them, I think that if we were to stay together, life would be a little more frictional. My parents came over to my place and even though I cleaned the place before I left home, they still said my house was terribly messy and dirty. Not forgetting the fact that my mom also said I put on weight. That was on the night we went out for drinks; it was a fat day! Probably water retention? I hope?


5.
My parents didn't cook petai. I love petai!. And I am missing out on tomorrow's assam fish because I am already back in Singapore - early because I need to get all my work done by tomorrow.


6.
One of the funniest smses my dad got from his Malay client:
"Ayam pergi, anjing mali. 'Sueh' pergi, 'ONG' mali..." This was in reciprocation of my dad's sms to him over the orthodox 2006 new year. In translation it means: 'Chicken go, Dog come. Suay goes, Ong (wang in chinese) comes.' And I thought 'step step tall grow', 'horse come work done' was funny!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Cal's 5 weird habits

As observed by elaine


1. He doesn't like to use the toilet when it is wet, except when it is just to pee or when it's shower time.

2. He uses a piece of tissue or toilet paper as a bookmark.

3. He brushes his teeth in front of the computer.

4. He does not like being shirtless not even when at home or to bed.

5. He does not like to drink water or eat in the morning until he has brushed his teeth. What ever happened to good ol' dentists' advice?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

noise! - updated

There are men all over my block - yes, all over - drilling and hacking into the walls and floors adjoining all at the same time.



Imagine how upset I must be right now! My pandora.com is on maximum volumes now, but they-who-drill-and-hack are still louder. I have even called the police for help. Yes, I am that desperate.



I am thinking of the following:
1. Wrapping a pillow around my head the whole day since I don't have ear plugs. But I need to do work today because I have to bloody submit a deadline. So I can't.
2. Lining the walls with aluminium foil to keep them out. Yes I am starting to think like a schizophrenic.
3. Bringing my ice-cold cans of Carlsberg to them to bribe them to stop for the rest of the day. Or maybe paying them some too.



It doesn't help when I am already sensorarily sensitive. Windchimes irritate me - I hate them. I hate bright headlights from cars, they blind me. I hate crowds because they are too near me, therefore I hate town on weekends. I hate dirty public toilets; I almost puke almost everytime I step inside one. When I enter my cubicle, I cannot help but cough. I have had nightmares about dirty toilets. Cantonese soups, or some kinds of ingredients within, give me headaches.



So, just imagine how terrible this noise is right now.



SHUT UP!!!



Update:
They are still at it.


And just a while ago, my electricity tripped while I was doing my work. They can't do that! I went upstairs to look: they are bloody renovating THREE flats at the SAME time. The whole block is a mess; I felt sick just walking outside my flat. I asked who is doing the renovation - it is bloody HDB.

I called the police again - always have your NPC number on hand, I say. Geylang NPC policemen are really nice, I must say.

They said that they will come.

I called bloody HDB to complain. Which of course we all know, being the bloody civil service, they will only log in a feedback form and it dies there. The guy on the phone was helpful enough though, at least, in fact the HDB frontliners have all to date been very helpful within their sad civil servant existence. He called the person who is in charge of all this renovation and they said they will stop and clean up at 6pm today.

He asked whether I would like the person in charge to call me. I said, no. Just get them to bloody stop hacking three flats at a time in a small block where there are people living in it! This is not a block under construction! And exercise bloody due diligence and not cut off residents' electricity supply! And for goodness sake, clean up the mess now, and confine it to the place you are involved in. Not the WHOLE BLOCK! And for goodness sake, if you are gonna do something so major: please inform the residents.

Fuck HDB.

Anyway, the police are coming.



2nd Update:
I believe the police came - I stayed in my flat with the doors closed, so I am not 100% sure - because I heard them clearing the mess and the noise has died down much.

The techical guy in charge at HDB called me after all. He said, 'Electricity cut-off was accident only mah.' I said that's not the point! What if I was not at home, on Chinese New Year holiday, and then the power tripped and I was not around to flip it back on? Then all the food in the fridge spoil lah?. Well, basically I gave him a good scolding because he kept evading the blame. No sorries, not a single apology. I said, if HDB sent a letter to tell us residents, then at least we would know and be prepared for an issue like this. But no. He said, 'I believe the contractors put up notices.' Notices where? For who to see? I don't see any notices! I said, 'You come and see for yourself, what notice at the staircase langing? There is no notice.' And the mess should be confined to your flat and to the dumpster downstairs. Why is there rubbish everywhere!? Anyway, like I said, no apologies. No shit.

intimacy and violent exchange

Intimacy through conversation. Actually that is a lovely thought, and a wondrous activity at that. Sometimes though, we have to know one another through the intimacy of fights. And after that, the making up. Ah, bliss.


That scene from DH Lawrence's Women in Love: where Birkin and Gerald spar, wrestle -


`It surprised me,' panted Gerald, `what strength you've got. Almost supernatural.'

`For a moment,' said Birkin.

He still heard as if it were his own disembodied spirit hearing, standing at some distance behind him. It drew nearer however, his spirit. And the violent striking of blood in his chest was sinking quieter, allowing his mind to come back. He realised that he was leaning with all his weight on the soft body of the other man. It startled him, because he thought he had withdrawn. He recovered himself, and sat up. But he was still vague and unestablished. He put out his hand to steady himself. It touched the hand of Gerald, that was lying out on the floor. And Gerald's hand closed warm and sudden over Birkin's, they remained exhausted and breathless, the one hand clasped closely over the other. It was Birkin whose hand, in swift response, had closed in a strong, warm clasp over the hand of the other. Gerald's clasp had been sudden and momentaneous.

The normal consciousness however was returning, ebbing back. Birkin could breathe almost naturally again. Gerald's hand slowly withdrew, Birkin slowly, dazedly rose to his feet and went towards the table. He poured out a whiskey and soda. Gerald also came for a drink.

`It was a real set-to, wasn't it?' said Birkin, looking at Gerald with darkened eyes.

`God, yes,' said Gerald. He looked at the delicate body of the other man, and added: `It wasn't too much for you, was it?'

`No. One ought to wrestle and strive and be physically close. It makes one sane.'

`You do think so?'

`I do. Don't you?'

`Yes,' said Gerald.

There were long spaces of silence between their words. The wrestling had some deep meaning to them -- an unfinished meaning.




Intimacy through a fight. I always saw this chapter differently, that it spoke about a man-to-man intimacy, something that every man needed no matter how strong he seemed or wanted to seem. That moment strengthened their friendship; they bonded physically without the women, and in an almost scandalous setup.


Now I see it as this, that intimacy can come from violent fighting, that even through violent contact, rapturous pleasure not of the sadomasochistic type, can result, and result in greater intimacy thereafter.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I am afraid of confrontation, that is my problem.


Not just when I want to tell people that their actions hurt me, to resolve, to re-understand, to reconcile. I am also terrible at telling my friends if they should be corrected. If loved ones don't correct each other, who else will? I love my friends, but I am terrible at correcting them.


Because I am afraid of conflict.


I am afraid to cry. Because I always do even at the slightest things. I hate myself for that, because I was taught not to cry in my childhood. I cry in my own room. I cry in the shower, like I did when I was 14 and I witnessed a small boy pour scalding hot water on a stray dog, just because it was greedily sniffing about! The only time I dared cry in front of my parents without fearing a scolding, was when I was 17 years old. At that time, I was in JC 1, and I was stressed. I was staying with my uncle's family instead of with my parents who are staying in JB. I hate relatives. They treat you like second-class citizens, yet act cordial while doing it - typical extended family behaviour. I was unhappy staying with them, and I wanted to move somewhere else, to rent my own room. At first, my parents didn't understand, and my moving out will mean more expenses for them, but in the end I was so stressed over the matter, I cried and said that I couldn't take staying with the relatives anymore.


Conflict makes me cry. Whether I am at fault, or the other person. Whether I am angry, or hurt. And as I grow older, more and more things hurt me easily - and I have no idea why. Today, H talked to me on the phone, and he said I cried for 2 hours - which was the duration of our phonecall. What is wrong with me?


Nonetheless, I know now that I fear confrontation. I am afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of getting shouted at, I am afraid I will shout and hurt those that I love so dearly.


But, all these things will happen, in the form of arguments - bitter fact of life, as what H said. Because I have feared confrontation, I have avoided resolving issues, and carried them with me forever, and that is classic repression. And we know where that always leads me to.


I feel better now, but I feel terribly weak. I want to be a workaholic powerhouse wonder woman. But I am not: I am a loser tai-tai wannabe. I suddenly realise, that I might not make it, and fear grips me again like the way my chest tightens when the weather is so cold that I can bearly breathe.

Monday, January 23, 2006

declare spoil

something is wrong because I am blogging at this time of day



"i don't want to work anymore"
- oh no, i can't say that. gasp



Update:
I am still sick but I have gotten my antihystemines so I should be better really soon. But Telfast makes me sleepy. Not that I will be any less productive than I already am. Perhaps it really is time for me to go back to Rhinocort, used last in 2003/4 when I was first diagnosed with asthma. Calvin would suggest that I use his Nasonex.

Yes I am depressed, signs of which include: a disappearance in energy and motivation to do things - as if my usual tendency towards sloth is not already bad enough for productivity - work, housework, meals, going out of the house. I also perpetually feel tired, maybe from blowing my nose repeatedly. Sad songs about nothing at all, even those I can't understand audibly like Jay Chou - make me cry! And for what? News makes me sad, and I have no idea why the overwhelming hypocritical compassion surge. And yes I read the news a lot along with the 50 feeds I subscribe to. Daily.

I HAVE LOADS OF WORK TO DO.


Suddenly Cal shoots this at me: "Do you have faith in God, or not? Or do you think that he has no plan for you? Sometimes you forget."

Nobody likes to deal with depressed people, much less live with them. I don't mind because I know what it is like to be completely and utterly alone when depressed. (No, I am not blowing my own trumpet in saying so, please believe me). But Calvin, has learnt to deal with me despite the fact that he was looking for a happy girl, and I am tearfully thankful for that.

I don't know how to deal with this leh. I should have asked my doctor for Xanax.

Everything I used to do to help, somehow seems harder to do, and less of a help. Talking to friends, praying, writing (here and out of here), thinking. Chocolate helps marginally, and I am wary of addiction-forming help like alcohol.

One thing I might have to try doing, but I am afraid of, is confrontation. I scare myself under the guise of conflict, conflict, conflict. I have this silly belief that I am too problematic so I shouldn't deal with the problems I have with other people because it is a waste of time. Yes it is a waste of time. I am not quoting myself alone in saying that. Boys don't like to talk about serious things. I don't like to talk about my problems. I like to ask people about theirs, I like to offer help and comfort more than to share my own problems. Hence till now you might not even know what the hell I am talking about.

Anyway I am not depressed because something happened, I think I just have very poor conflict management skills and I am too repressive. Plus I fear challenges that I misbelieve I cannot handle. Am I taking on too much for my age? Many women at 27 are managers, they manage whole business units, they take crap from million-dollar clients. What I am doing is on par if not lesser in comparison. Plus I have a very capable co-worker - he said so before, that nothing is impossible for him. (What I meant to say after that last sentence was, that I should not pale in comparison. But I realise I do, and miserably so, and I feel consistently compared and find myself short and worthless. I am not professional in my dealings and I always, always make mistakes. I do not deserve the respect I do not have).

The last time I fell ill with depression was because of repression, and I am not going to allow myself to be that ill again. Three days, one week, is fine. Not one, two years. The years that disappeared from my life.

I wish time would stop.

I close my eyes and subconsciously I see a flood rushing behind me. I am either not there anymore or at all, else I am just stationery, like I am now.
Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.

You should major in:

Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language

monkey mind

I just got sent this because I am the moderator of a now-defunct-by-usage yahoogroup of writer aspirants.


It piques my interest because it is about writing!


Monkey Mind is a new journal of fiction, poetry, and literary non-fiction, beginning publication in 2006. It will appear three times a year, in February, July, and October.

We are now accepting submissions for our first issue. We welcome work from both published and previously unpublished authors. What kind of writing are we looking for?


...


Sounds fun.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

sleeping in salt-tears

It really is darkest before dawn.

Right about now.


I cannot be sure of the reasons: I am so insomnia-bound perhaps, that I feel terribly low. Maybe the Febs ingested earlier, hours after my pre-midnight beer. Maybe Nancy Wilson on my iTunes, because mellow soul, I thought, would help me sleep-


Suddenly 'Face It Girl, It's Over' makes me tear unknowingly, reminded suddenly of the withdrawal of love in a vacuum I once existed in, knowing that he humoured me with lies and silences once, just as he continues to spew hatred disguised in mock professionalism. Suddenly I realised that the letters and poems I wrote only once over, given to him, burned in that black hole that is no longer. If I die, I hope he gets moved to scour my blog and his revered drawer, to publish me like an amateur poet who wrote feverishly in her everyday insane moments.


Even 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You', the way she sings it for me, I suddenly recall that a love in this brand of romanticism, had only existed for me once and only once: like a life, once conceived, can never replaced even by many others you love bitterly.


'Alfie', deeply serenading lyrics with a lullaby built tune to it, makes me contemplate and weep simultaneously.


'Don't Go to Strangers', as she sings makes me realise only a deeply lonely woman would sing that, and I know I have once been that. 'But when you need more than company, don't go to strangers, come home to me, come home, to me.'


Old wineskin I am - if catastrophe were to strike me in the mildest, I would be less than leaping to overcome. I look at myself, and realise that I am old, and maybe it is harder to be strong now.


Someone I love, if he were to walk away because he was angry, now hacks me with a multiple-bladed axe. In the past, I would tell myself: fight for your man, win him over and back to you. But now, if he walked away even in a brief moment of anger, I can never muster up that kind of resolve to act bravely anymore. I have used it all up on a past love. Just like I have used up my love poetry, my rapturous collection of written shared secrets. Just like that, dried out and no more for the next one I love intensely more!


I have a beautiful friendship that has for some no reason reared itself enemy-like. I recall times when I was in primary school and I had a silly best friend who accused me of things constantly. Yes, a bully of a person. She would accuse me of taking her red coloured pencil without returning, when I did return her, she just didn't notice that I did. She would slap me in front of the others at our Brownies meeting - and for nothing. I was so hurt by her that we would publicly quarrel in class and - the boys were on my side, by the way - but there and then, I felt what it was like to have a friend turn against me in order to crush my self-worth.


And today I live with the same things, only in a different race and breed. I am of no worth whatsoever to him and never will be no matter how many times he convinces himself with his words directed to me. I want to give up and walk away but I cannot because I am soul-bound to my work. I tear at that, for no reason.


If you read this, don't say anything to me. Just like how I wrote my diary when I was, fifteen or sixteen, and let H read it once because I wanted to share me with him - he only had one comment thereafter: you are sick. Nothing else, it is only polite.

in sleep

terrified.

I cannot sleep. Time is against me. Much to do but my energy wanes.


I try rest, yet as I lay upon my bed, I start to feel ill. I have run out of anti-hystemines, Febs will have to suffice. I try to pray to sleep - only one awake now is God Himself after all. I do soothing things like play the guitar, read, amidst soft lighting and lounge about in my sleepwear while I do. I even play spider solitaire, mind-numbing as it is. Nothing helps, I am so tired yet.


Much to do but my energy wanes.


Long day tomorrrow and for many many weeks ahead of me. Not being able to sleep now is tiresome and, in fact, depressing me.


My emotional capacity has been drying up, and now I worry about my physical capacity: will I be too tired again tomorrow? I wish I never have to wake up.

the geek version of this meme

Tinker tailor said the meme of four was shallow.


So according to him the REAL questions that should be answered are:

4 books that changed you
  1. The Bible - all of the books within. This one is way up there in #1.
  2. Working Hot by Kathleen Mary Fallon - influences the way I write somehow.
  3. Some book by Stormie Omartian about overcoming depression, can't remember the title and I don't have it anymore.
  4. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus


4 people you met who’ve changed your life
  1. My mom
  2. Pastor Brian
  3. Huanjie
  4. My future husband


4 philosophical worldviews that you found feasible at one point of your life or another
  1. As a teenager I thought that if I stuck to loving girls instead I will not have to worry about losing my virginity to a man. I was sixteen. Don't ask.
  2. Anger is something that harms me more than others, so I shouldn't bother. I was also sixteen. I used to be very angry. Still am, but less now, believe it or not.
  3. I still think this is true - that I can, and have to, make a difference in this world, hence my work.
  4. "What is $10,000? If you are capable enough you can earn that amount again." - my mom, about losing business opportunities and setbacks in life. Still true to me.


I am not shallow, I am a wannabe geek and I love geeks. : )

secrets

Open -
book that I am not
I hesitate


with all that bubbles
beneath me,
for or else
you would know me
my scaly skin
beneath that,
which is me.


I work up
with exciting stories
mine or others'
for pleasure is my domain
mine and others'
secrets are my domain
yours and mine -
I will have you whole.


I eat you and mine
like I eat myself
kill myself
and drown my men
burying dreams of them
in my love-bed.


Bursting forth at the seams
I have no newness
only that of my age
and too much
accumulated for me.


secrets
tell me let me tell you
Jupiter says so,
But I say not.
For I am not your rule.


People loathe to hear
sick details like gynaecological exams
douches kiss-and-tells
how to wear a tampon
whether he withdrew in time.


I hate them too
keep them away from me.


It is hard to curse without saying a word
fuck without making a sound
cry without shedding a tear
laugh in silence
be someone else
be a child
or adult.


Live with your secrets
like you would with your lover
at least,
he, or someone, was there,
to share them with you
save them all
tell them tonight to your bed -
shrine of fantasies and dreams
that were, or never will be.


I am not like this
keep me away from yourself.

Friday, January 20, 2006

wah another version!

via bohemian philosophy

( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) crashed a friend’s car
(x) got drunk with a good friend
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of my parent’s house
( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been skiing
( ) been moshing at a concert
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) lain on my back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
( ) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x ) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x ) pet a goat
(x) won a contest
( ) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car crash
( ) had braces
(x ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight
(x) liked the way I look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned my heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swum in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried myself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something I told myself I wouldn’t
(x) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose
( ) caught a snowflake on my tongue
( ) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone I care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
( ) gone roller-skating
(x) had a wish come true
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
(x) told a complete stranger I loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sung in the shower
(x) had a dream that I married someone
(x) glued my hand to something
( ) got my tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of my lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn’t take a shower for a week (almost)
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree (actually, a cherry)
( ) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) been scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes (actually I can't be bothered to count)
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
(x) gone doorbell ditching
(x) played chicken
(x) jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all my clothes on
(x) been told I’m hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard I cried
( ) cried so hard I laughed
(x) cheated on a test
( ) owned a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone’s name
( ) French-braided someone’s hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
(x) been threatened to be kicked out of my house
(x) been kicked out my house
(x) had a fantasy over someone I love as a good friend
( ) sun-tanned naked
( ) ran naked in the rain

writing

I think I'm back.

shamelessly lonely

Tonight I am feeling lonely, and undenyingly so; something in my loneliness tonight draws me to actually wording it out here. Naturally, or some astro-nuts say cosmically, I would be inclined to keep things to myself and would rarely word them explicably, save in riddles and mystery smiles.


But tonight is different.


Maybe it is the hormones: some men say women get really horny after their period has just ended. I am not sure how scientific is that, and I would be a terrible test subject to try and prove that theory -


Tonight Calvin is at home sleeping and I am here at home on my own. He has had a long day and he will be going to Molten Core to kill some boss with his guild mates early at 815am later. Originally it was supposed to be some Onyxia dragon but oh well the itinery for the morning has changed. Nonetheless no Calvin tonight, just me and my five pillows and plenty of dreams to conjure up. It would be so nice to have nice Calvin tonight but I will have to wait!



Sometimes I see him in the light of a handsome-male-stranger type that I just got to know two nights ago. Rarely can one continually conjure up that feeling sustainably but somehow with this Cutie I have done it repeatedly. I always harbour this terrible secret desire to nurse delicious human male strangers and through the ruse of companionship, gain some nice loving in return. This is of course not always realised, and with the wrong man it can go awry.



This is why I remain rather lonely for the remains of the night because I cannot possibly find some immediate substitute companionship - restriction purely mine - and so, I find solace here, simply, wording it down.



Tomorrow I will get my lovin', hopefully. Better than TCC's warm lava chocolate cake.



(Which is absolutely scandalous by the way, I must state for the record).

Thursday, January 19, 2006

5 weird habits

I finally thought of some weird habits to post.
Copied from: Julie


5 weird habits
1. I don't mind sitting around naked in my own room/house after my shower, for extended periods of time.

2. My house can be impeccably messy but the kitchen sink must always be dry after use.

3. I don't like to open windows, I rather still air that does not smell of the waffles downstairs, than of air with suspended mozzies, unless of course I am going for the loungey verandah effect at my parents' place.

4. I like to exclaim to myself in gibberish when alone.

5. In public toilets I always try to use a swab of tissue to close the cubicle door when I enter.


Okay! Done at last! I always thought I was weird but doing this was tough.


5 people to tag:
Not just after the last one, so it's up to you if you wanna engage in blog filler like this that I did!
I can spell 'worthless' in many ways.


One of them includes getting fucked by person who cares-a-shit just because, and despite, the obvious that you didn't do anything wrong like, oh, embezzle funds or made stupid decision to sell the house without getting another.


If it were my fault, at least I can apologise, and solve the problem.


Now I am left solution-less. I wish I can say sorry that I got fucked even though I didn't deserve it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

meme of four

Since everyone is on to this today,

and since I have nothing much meaningful to write,
yet introspection/egotistical publishing that is known as blogging (sometimes) must persist.


meme of 4
copied from: popagandhi, tym, lmd


4 jobs you’ve had in your life
Banker
Manager
Art teacher
BSBH types - sales, marketing, HR


4 movies you could watch over and over
none I would willingly, but I have watched the following more than once:
Shaolin Soccer
Bean the Movie
The Others
Titanic (!!!)

Oh the horrors...


4 TV shows you love(d) to watch
OC
Nip/Tuck
CNA's Asia something
err.. I don't watch much TV anymore


4 places you’ve lived
Only 4? Hah. I give you 5.
JB
Ang Mo Kio
Woodlands
Clementi
Ubi


4 places you’ve been on vacation to
Brisbane, Australia
Various parts, Thailand
Sisophon, Cambodia
Almaty, Kazakstan



4 places you would rather be

at my parents' place
with Calvin anywhere
in a resurrected splashwurks artspace
in Central Asia, any part


4 of your favourite foods
craving-dependant, hard to answer objectively
Bacon Aglio Olio Fusili from Parkway Parade's Pastamania
Warm Lava Cake from TCC
My parents' cooking, especially buah petai! (yay! CNY coming!)
Ice cream from Victor's (Sweet Stix, Pandan Valley)


4 websites you visit daily
Bloglines
mail.splashwurks.com
mail.google.com
mail.yahoo.com


4 tagged
enid
sylvia
kelvin
daphne

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

about blogging

If writing a blog is about introspection, and about sharing ideas, thoughts and feelings -


How come we sometimes have nothing to write? Does it mean, that we have not been inspecting ourselves, or that we do, and find nothing of worth to share?


At least for me, I find that part of the reason why I have nothing much to say lately, is because the part of me that needs to think and create, has been fulfilled through work.


The other part of me that needs to introspect: I turn to blog filler once again.


I promise I will get up and back to worlds upon words very soon.



You scored as Art. You should be an Art major! How bohemian!

Art


92%

English


92%

Theater


83%

Journalism


83%

Dance


75%

Linguistics


75%

Psychology


75%

Mathematics


67%

Philosophy


67%

Anthropology


67%

Engineering


58%

Sociology


58%

Chemistry


25%

Biology


8%
What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

Thursday, January 12, 2006

nightfall

I drink in piercing-cold beer to wake me: it is a sleepy night just as it was in the day. It pierces and refreshes me, thus here I am, at least I am moved to write, thus be of some productivity and use.


I will awake at a school-teacherly hour to do my work tomorrow. It seems the only feasible option I now have.

Learning Styles Inventory

The scores are out of 20 for each style. A score of 20 indicates you use that style often.

Style Scores

Visual 15
Aural 10
Verbal 16
Physical 7
Logical 9
Social 13
Solitary 15
=

Memletic Styles Graph:

geek test

Calvin's score for this test:
25.44379% - Total Geek



I love geeks.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

cold and lethargic

A lethargy has come over me with cold. I can't seem to shake of the sense of need for sleep, or anything that helps me rest, that will help alleviate the baby-powder-like mask over my eyes. Sleep, music, coffee, hot chocolate, reading - they barely lift me up of this state of already-sleep.



I love my work, because I love management, I love art, I love working with people, for people. I love the reasons behind what we are doing. I love working-! But between awakeness and actually working, I am stuck in this in-between place of cold and lethargy.



Which is where I am now, cold and lethargic. Perhaps I need more lights in this room.



Meanwhile I write here, something I haven't been doing as much and often as I am reputed for. The reasons are quite the same, that to me, all that I would write about, have shown how meaningless they are for themselves, really. There a plenty of things in my mind, which are already worded primitively, but I am simply not motivated enough by the beauty of them to write them now.



But I write here so that, I can be awoken from my cold, and get back to doing things I want to. I need a jolt to awake, and I choose this one - writing on worldsuponwords, to do just that.



I think I will be able to do my work wondrously now, for I feel blood returning to my veins at a greater speed and that will push me to rise and fly till late at night tonight.



Thanks for listening.

Sunday, January 8, 2006

i stole ""

'When people kiss in dark alleyways they are usually making promises. When we do, we break a thousand of them, including the ones we have been hanging on to for any semblance of survival."
- Popagandhi, Jan 2006.


Suddenly I think of all the void decks and stairwells and cars, the stories lived and heard and now no longer living. Promises broken. I think Poppy got it write, the promises are already broken; hopefully I no longer hold any of them, and neither do all of you.


And if she sees this:
I hope this constitutes being written about.

Saturday, January 7, 2006

ecclesiastes 5.7 right now right here

I have had nothing to write because everything I would have written about seemed suddenly meaningless. It seemed pointless to write about the things I normally would have, so, I decided not to start on it at all. I would have abhorred writing about the things that everyone else was writing about - I always do abhor the normalcy and regularity of the same-old, same-old. New year? Bah. Even the things I like usually. No, I don't even want to talk about it. Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God. Everything is of bare value to consider writing about.

Monday, January 2, 2006

girls

I want to write to make you feel better,

I want to paint to make you feel better;

I want to pray for Him to make you better;

I want to work that you will be better,

I want to love, so that you
will become stronger - with His love:

To fulfill your destiny,
To live your dreams,
To walk with wisdom,
To always find hope,
To always be loved,
and feel Love undoubtedly.

- you are my mission field.

Sunday, January 1, 2006

I suddenly feel no urge to write creatively on this blog. Recently I have been paying attention to sensory and emotional details everywhere around me, that I may write despite. Now I feel like acting like a freelancer, to take a break.


So I will do some blog-filler despite my earlier resolve to not do this again, but I am in a sluggish writer-mood. Here is a test I just took on Tickle. Which is absolute time-wasting crap. Have fun with it, and I might be back soon, who knows.


What's Really on Your Mind?



Elaine, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your sex life


On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your sex life. But it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about your sexual encounters have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may wish your sex life were more satisfying, or you may worry that you're not good enough in bed. Perhaps you have conflicts about your sex life or you feel preoccupied with sex. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life — even if you don't feel aware of it.

However, you can learn easy ways to tap into your subconscious mind and discover the source of the issues that are preoccupying you.