Sunday, May 28, 2006

that 24 things meme +

I kept on seeing this meme everywhere, and I thought, this is too troublesome. Anyway, nobody tagged me to do it. But then I enjoyed reading everyone's, and thought, I should try it after all lah.

24 weird facts/things/habits about elaine.

  1. I cannot stand it when the floor towels are in a mess heap. They should be neatly laid, all the time, even after you step on them to wipe your feet.
  2. Ditto about the sink, the surrounding area must be dry, never mind the looming decomposing dish-heap within it.
  3. I like to read cheem things like classics and business/history/art/non-fiction/non-bestsellers, but also alongside the seemingly unintelligent chick-lit and magazines, which as long as they are actually also secretly intelligent, I secretly enjoy more than the academic stuff.
  4. I like laptop keyboards more than desktops', and I like laptop mice more than the external kind.
  5. Otherwise I actually need wrist-rests when using a desktop keyboard and mouse.
  6. I sleep with five pillows, and no bolsters.
  7. I make silly mistakes with other men after I have been dumped. Twice.
  8. I used to like this girl in school, who has since turned into a boy. Actually I think so have the other girls, somewhat.
  9. I was not artistic till my later years, it is not true that art must be developed only as a child.
  10. When I used to stay with my parents a lot more, I would go into my roomwhen I reached home, to rest and hide for a long time, before coming out to make the conversation for the day. Not all women will start talking immediately from living room to kitchen upon reaching home, as some believe. I am a Martian cave-girl.
  11. I only started to enjoy Archie comics when I grew up, like in my teens. I still do, just that I have stopped buying them in recent adult years.
  12. I talk loudly, and so do my parents, in fact we could have conversations with doors and storeys in between us.
  13. This week, on separate occasions, both Calvin's mom and my mom have asked us individually for the first time, when we are getting married. It actually sounds better coming from them than from well-meaning but over-enthusiastic friends.
  14. I already have a flat, in mine and my parents' names. I think the fact that I am so used to staying alone, and the fact also that I actually stay alone even, is weird to others.
  15. I have never had a pager. This is weird for many people my age.
  16. I only started IRC and the like, somewhere in 2000! I was already in uni.
  17. My mental sums suck but I teach maths to secondary school students rather well. I have been doing so since 1997.
  18. My specs have a degree only for my left-eye, and the other is perfect. My left eye is both long-sighted and astigmatic.
  19. I don't watch tv unless I am sick, depressed, or unwell, and need to do something unintelligent. And if I do I don't watch anything Chinese or Korean etc., I cannot take it.
  20. I have developed this habit since I moved to this flat, of only opening the letter box once a week or so, because the box is located away from my stairs, in another wing of the block. Anyway, I don't like to read mail - what is the point unless I have money to pay them bills?
  21. I only pay bills when I have both money and time, not when they are due, because that is simply not possible.
  22. I no longer wear a watch, haven't been for years. I will get paint on it anyway.
  23. I have not had a stupid POSB account for almost ten years, and I will not even try.
  24. There are years in my life that went by without me remembering anything much. They disappeared and I can no longer recall them. They were perhaps around 1999, somewhere. I now see it as the onslaught of depression, only I didn't know it then, till I hit me full-blown in around 2000-2001. I think.
  25. I have no brothers and sisters, and I am very glad I don't have to share my parents' love.
  26. (Oh, I am done! with the 24 things. I could actually go on, that is how mad and inane I am):
  27. I had mood swings even as a kid: There was one day I avoided my friends who usually came over to my house to play together. I was about five or six years old. I would lock them out, and ignore them as they knocked on my door asking me to let them in. I went into a daze, and simply pretended they weren't there.
  28. I have a weird scar on my left hand, resultant from scraping a corner of a wall in JC, whilst I was running around from point A to B. Yes, kids run, yes, I grew up late.
  29. I hate learning anything hands-on through formal lessons. I learnt the keyboard and guitar through watching, emulating and playing with other people. I quit playing the organ through my organ teacher when I was eleven (I started when I was about four or five), citing stress as the reason.
  30. I hate relatives, and all manner of extended family gatherings.
  31. My ah-ma is probably Peranakan, she wears a sarong kebaya and used to make nonya kueh, and they all speak Penang-Hokkien and Malay on that side of the family, even though we are actually Teochew.
  32. I don't have a driving license. The only time I took my basic theory exam, I failed. Needless to say, I hardly studied, and those years were the ones they reduced the percentile of people actually passing. It was 2001. Hah.
  33. My psycho-motor skills are terrible. But my peripheral vision is excellent. Should I still learn to drive when I finally have the money to?
  34. I hate small cars, especially the Malaysian Kancil, the Nissan March, the Subaru Viki. They should all disintegrate and cease to exist, with their drivers and their stuffed toys too.
  35. I don't eat artificially coloured or (when I can) flavoured food because of my eczema, and I don't eat dairy because of my gastric problem.
  36. I like potatoes.
  37. I like beer.
  38. My personal casette tape collection from the early 1990s includes: the Pretty Woman soundtrack, Roxette, and Def Leppard.
  39. I meow at cats when I am passing, something which H used to scold me about, saying that if I kept meowing at them they will follow me after all, which by then I will proceed to shoo them away, so what is the point? Now I just meow at Slinky the cat downstairs.
  40. I still talk about my dog as if she still exists. Dog has been gone almost ten years. I have known her since 1993. She is a brown mongrel. I like mongrels.
  41. I was only photogenic when I was about sixteen to nineteen years of age. Okay, perhaps actually for a smaller margin of years.
  42. I used to write my poetry on scrap paper and envelopes, before the days of blogs and the proliferation of typewritten handwriting. I still have them.

Okay, now I am really done. 24 turned 42 meme. Hope this was entertaining for you too.

selfish

I am selfish and I know that I am. There comes a point where one starts to care less about others - the co-workers, the friends, the customers, the lovers. This time, everything is about me: I want time to stop, work to disappear, people to go away. Thus, I plan a holiday (that who-knows I may end up not taking after all), am reluctant for tomorrows to arrive, rest when I am tired (and cause everything to screw over when I do), stay away from MSN and all human contacting devices.


It all starts with a punctured tank: If a tank has a hole that can drain itself in x minutes, and the speed of its drainage is y cm3s-1, calculate the volume of the tank when it starts out half filled - maths and all that jazz.


Suddenly everything, as when the tank nears its emptiness, becomes dreadfully weary. Like low blood pressure and its toll on the long-distance runner.


All this really means is, that because I am so inwardly selfish, bent over, concave within, I started to dread work with the Monday-blues type of intensity, early on Saturday evening. Alas, I had to finally fall asleep on Saturday night, much against my will, and cause Sunday to unwelcomedly arrive on my closed door. I hate Sunday, because Sunday is a work day too, unless I skillfully avoid some.


I think I may really indeed be on the doorstep of having chronic fatigue. I have the following symptoms highlighted in blue:

As currently defined, chronic fatigue syndrome is the presence of severe, disabling fatigue lasting for six or more consecutive months. The fatigue is persistent or relapsing, and is new (i.e., not lifelong), not relieved by rest, not the result of ongoing exertion, and interferes with normal work, social, educational, or personal activities. Diagnosis also requires at least four of the following symptoms, each persistent or recurring and not present before the fatigue: impairment of short-term memory or concentration, sore throat, tender lymph nodes in the neck or axillary region, muscle pain, joint pain, headaches peculiar to the syndrome, unrefreshing sleep, and malaise of more than one day's duration following exertion. Chronic fatigue that does not meet all these criteria is termed “idiopathic fatigue.”



The most worrying of these is the loss of mental cognitive abilities to very low-mana levels. Simple decisions become hard, I forget things, and I really, again I reiterate, feel much dread with many things I have to do. Perhaps I am not chronically fatigued, but still, something is wrong with me. I am being selfish and am not going to care very much beyond me now.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

new reads

I want to read Peter Carey's new book, Theft.



I really enjoyed his "True History of the Kelly Gang", as I am intrigued by many books that allow me into the subculture, culture, or history of a people. Unfortunately that content alone will not do for me as a troublesome reader, as I also need witty writing that is intelligent or at least poetic. Hence regular bestsellers will not do most of the time, since most regular people read stuff that to me is boring: DVC, Memoirs, Tuesdays, etc. Amazing content perhaps, but written in trite.



Hence I hope Theft will be buy-worthy, and allow me to devour it in bed every night till I am done to give it a rest on my bookshelf until the next time.



An excerpt from the book as taken from New Yorker:



We had been born walled out from art, had never guessed it might exist, until we slipped beneath the gate or burnt down the porter’s house, or jemmied the bathroom window, and then we saw what had been kept from us, in our sleepouts, in our outside dunnies, our drafty beer-hoppy public bars, and then we went half mad with joy.


I want to go half mad with joy too, it is not enough to just be normal and mundane.



As for now, I will just sink in and read Jane Eyre tonight. I want to take all these fabulous words and words, and writers to bed with me tonight. Half mad with joy, rather sober and in love with all things in my world. Such as chocolate, ice-cream and beer too. Check, check and check. It's about time.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

about elaine via colour quiz

Your Existing Situation

The fear of rebuff and the extreme caution of her approach make it difficult for her to achieve the degree of intimacy and identification she desires.


Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. This subjects her to considerable stress, but she sticks to her attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Finds the situation uncomfortable and would like to break away from it, but refuses to compromise with her opinions. Unable to resolve the situation because she continually postpones making the necessary decision as she doubts her ability to withstand the opposition which would result. Needs the esteem of others, compliance with her wishes, and respect for her opinions before she can feel at ease and secure.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.


Your Desired Objective

Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.


Your Actual Problem

Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for her personal accomplishments.


Your Actual Problem #2

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or her reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting her own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.






Okay, they are unbelieveably right. This is not a bogus quiz, just one taken when having bored and need-to-zone-out moments.

the Today meme

1. What is the weather like where you are today?
I didn't notice at all!


2. When did you get up today?
At 5am something, because C woke up for work and I wanted to iron his shirt.


3. What is the first thing you did when you got on your computer today?
Print timesheets for H, connect MSN.


4. What do you need/want to get done today?
Done already, anything else, can fukit, I am too far-gone.


5. What are you wearing today?
Right now, black cami and black underwear.
I have nothing to write.



I am so tired, relaxation is beyond me. I put chocolate into me in mouthfuls, but it is as mere choc-fluid dumping into an abyss. I think of beer and I think of headache and they are synonomous. I dig into my brain to try to write fluidly, wondrously, but find nothing but greyness and fibre that clogs my mind's clarity.



Where is Elaine?

Monday, May 22, 2006

spoil

Sherilyn today enlightened me to a certain truth:


I attributed my declining ability to multi-task in recent years, and ability to think straight and clearly in recent months, to, unknown factors, and age too. But S says that I am just overworked, and need rest. I said in reply that I do not think I am more overworked than I have every really been before, but then she said, that is even worse, because I don't even realise that I am overworked.


Now I know why H doesn't think clearly either, and is always distracted, and is unable to communicate properly.


I am now going to Google "fatigue" and see what it says. Also, leave till tomorrow what I thought had to be done tonight. And have ice cream, tv and beer.


Now I know why I feel terrible apart from being PMS-ed last week and all. Now I feel emotionally better, but my mind has turned juvenile. I come home sad but happy. I don't even realise I come home tired but happy, anymore.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

In the end I cannot sleep. I know that perhaps my afternoon nap recluse cum recovery from painkiller induced sleepiness might affect my night. But no, I am really sleepy, and I can still sleep, if my gastric pain will go away and so will the fellers below my block who have yet to be chased away by the police I have already called. I have just taken another painkiller, hope to sleep soon.
To be honest, I feel like crap.


Some things provide relief: playing with Slinky downstairs, she the cute cat version of a leisurely yawn; putting some old school jazz on the dvd player, with the lounge light on barely.


But I still feel terrible. I will have to take my own advice and work till I feel better.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

worry - continued

I was lying on my orange couch staring away into space which contained a tv, usually seldom turned on, and with a cordless to my ear containing C's room noises and him. It is just past dinner time, and on tv are the after-dinner shows, about China's great wall or something. I am spacing out because I am terribly sick with a runny nose from allergies, and intoxicated with Fenfedrin to combat said runny nose. I feel terrible.


As I space out, I have an epiphany. I realise that the only way to control worry (over work) is to overwork. As you get work done, you have less to worry about. Once everything is planned, acted on and delegated, the work becomes again the excitement it is meant to be, instead of anxiety. This means acting tough, working despite the lack of rest, and despite sickness, and despite other commitments. Tell yourself you can rest later, eventually. Overworking is the only way to control worry.


It makes so much sense that I wonder why I never motivated myself with this logic before.


The most interesting insights come when I need them most, praise God, and they come when I simply sit or lie down doing nothing except just being alone with my thoughts, if any.


Why did I rest when I was tired, or spend all those mealtimes on weekends frolicking out of home and away from the office. In the end I get whiney and I sleep like crap, because I should just be an overachiever and have a less anxious kind of sleep.


But tonight is really not the night to continue working, alas, overworking is easier said than done, and I am still a skiver. I am going to bed soon, to continue sleeping worriedly, making anxious grunting groans as C says I do, and will blog more when I am better and can stop sneezing at the table. I will apply my newfound revelation tomorrow.

Monday, May 15, 2006

worry

I could worry about a-many things, and I do, hence try as I might, I cannot sleep.


I worry that I will oversleep tomorrow. Which is critical that I cannot do so tomorrow.
I worry for all the to-dos not done. This is shit. How to do? I've got no time, unless I don't sleep. Then I end up falling asleep in the day unknowingly and wake up saying, 'oh shit'.
I worry for whether things will be okay tomorrow at various project sites.
I worry if we will have continue to have growing favour with our clients.
I worry for my parents, their health, salvation and well being.
I worry that the house is dirty, that the aircons need servicing but I have no time to call Elvis my air-con man friend.
I worry for my eczema which is of course worse when I am stressed.
I worry because I am getting sick with allergies or a cold of sorts.


Now that I have done the necessary, to write and read this laundry list of worries, they look stupid. But I still can't sleep. Headache. Nothing will help now. How?


Everyday in the daytime, when I am working or thinking about work, I feel the lines around my eyes deepening. Soon I will really be Auntie Elaine, and not just to the kids of friends. All About Eyes is but symptomatic aid and not preventive.


I want to just stay at home and do nothing every every day.

seven things that attract me

taken from DW



Words
In a crowded space, my eyes always notice words first. Which is why I always read subtitles at the same time as I listen and watch the movies, which is why I always read off the condom boxes at the supermarket counter when I pay for everything else I am actually buying, which is why I used to read off road signs when I was a small girl in my parents' car.

I remember how people word things, I remember favourite words of favourite people, I am moved by touching sentences that happen in a flash as if they were more alive than the people who wrote them.


Art
I am moved by rapturous art, I can paint till I almost cry, I can detour my route just to study an artpiece I saw in the corner of my peripheral vision.

I love to be around people who draw, even scrawl silly, because it is so cute and attractive to wield a pen, brush, camera, mouse or stylus, for artistic making.


Shop displays
Because I cannot help looking. Window shopping might actually lead to real hardcore retail therapy. Because women have good peripheral vision. Because some shop window displays are so awesome I have to look. See art above.



Comfy lie down places
Because I am always sleepy and always tired and I like sleeping and I read lying down.


Dogs and cats
Unless small toy dogs. Then I don't even look. But otherwise, so cute!


Chillout places
Because I like to go to these places. To have awesome frozen margaritas or chill in lounge music or lie in plush cushions or soak in quiet rustic Evans Road air.


Calvin
It has been almost two years and it is still a honeymoon! Everyday I thank God for him.

calvinS

Calvin looking at his TWO monitors, one to play WOW, the other to surf net, IM on MSN etc. Hence the extremely serious look.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

today I said

"Looking at the sky makes me feel better. At least I know I am not the only one who feels grey."

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

me, here and there

Am I fiction?


Sometimes I sit here, adult-like, mirroring my mother in some ways. A leg on a chair, chilling with a beer, contemplative but chattery, mundanities providing relief. I look at myself as if looking in on myself: me on the chair in the room, me at the door looking into the room. Here I split myself.



I just Googled myself awhile ago. There are two or perhaps three "Elaine Chiam"s in the world, the other/s in Malaysia. Similar in some ways, such as the educational or career background, but else, different people. My alter ego.



Writing is mundane, and I will hardly be fall-on-your-knees author standard at the rate I am going. It must be a great thing to be mentioned again and again through informal channels that are the words-of-mouth, even generations after the book has been written. I doubt I am cut out for that route anyway, at least not unless I get a Jonah type of calling. But perhaps, 'what if' and all that, though, no regrets.


See I split myself two ways, three times.


I get this notion of two of the same person, from Haruki Murakami. Doesn't this idea speak of all the regrets, and could-have-beens? But we should live with no regrets! No, none, not even a single one, not even the worst mistake you made. Repent, but not regret!


Just last night I was feeling so inadequately academised and I feel professionally unkempt. I am only a management graduate. With a Bachelor's. From where I am now, I think not even a Masters will suffice to fill up my inadequacy. I am not trained professionally in art, nor pedagogy. I only have some mild1 aptitude, and experience. I have been working for five years, and I feel lost. I could do sales, because there is no such thing as a credible B.Sc in Sales Management or the like, and I have never been hired on merit of my qualifications before. I am running on aptitude, and it is running out in trails.


Then I read an article that talks about how the humanities combined with business make up one of the best university educational selection for a successful set of skills for a career. Again I read about how in the States the most wanted grads are in Business, Computer Science and Communications. Although that is country specific, but hey, surely it means something.


And then I look in, up and out, at God. I think, hold, contemplate, feel, and now, I feel whole again, at least skeletally, but that is the main frame. To flesh out the bits, I need more. But I am whole again, no more alter egos. No regrets, no alternative route. This, here is correct.

Monday, May 8, 2006

oh gosh this is funny!




taken from Adverblog.
link.

Singapore's business owners are among the most stressed in the world

I am not the expressedly legal owner of this business but I really do not have the time to take holidays too, as the article below states. Down time (off peak) is meant for internal management projects and strategy meetings, so I can't do off peak either. Holidays are scandalous.


S'pore business owners among the most stressed in the world: survey

By Nur Azira Aziz, Channel NewsAsia



SINGAPORE : Singapore's business owners are among the most stressed in the world.

A recent international business survey puts them in sixth position after their counterparts in Taiwan, China, the Philippines, Botswana and Hong Kong.

The least stressed business people this year are found in Europe, in particular Sweden, and the US.

The last time businessman Peter Cheok took a holiday was two years ago.

He blames this on his hectic schedule but can't complain that better business is keeping him away from taking a break.

"Singaporean business owners tend to be more stressed nowadays, especially during peak seasons, because business is getting better. That means more work, hence you get busier. There are more stress involved when there's more work," said Peter Cheok, executive director of Far East Flora.

Many in Singapore will agree with Peter.

In an International Business Owners Survey, 67% of Singapore respondents say they are more stressed this year compared to last year.

And while business has been good, it also means they are not taking enough holidays.

The survey showed that Singapore business owners take fewer holidays than their overseas counterparts. Local business owners took 11 days off each year, compared to the global average of 16 days.

Business owners in France took the most holidays - 27 days a year, and Thai businessmen the fewest, at 4 days.

Experts say it is normal that businesses in Singapore get more demanding with the booming economy.

The real challenge lies in the future as the line between the workplace and the home gets increasingly blurred. Another challenge is how business owners juggle between work and rest.

"That driven-ness is here in our society. Like the way we've developed future business complexes like Biopolis, it blends work and the living space next to each other. We want to be working 24/7 in a way that is compatible with everyday life. I think there's a challenge there. But certainly, Singapore has that innate driven-ness and we want to find a balance with our lives," said Daniel J McAllister, associate professor at NUS Business School.

The survey covered some 7,000 business owners in 30 countries.



I do agree that we want to be working 24/7, that we are innately workaholic. The only thing that holds me back is sloth, and necessitated time with Calvin, because you see, the whole "hot job, hot lover, hot apartment" triad (cf. Emma Gold, Hard) is the visible sign of success to myself. Not to say that it is more important than the invisible, just that this is key too. We Singaporeans are just workaholic mad bastards.

Sunday, May 7, 2006

I

I AM: Elaine
I WANT: am not in
I WISH: I could be a better wake-upper
I HATE: creepy crawlies
I MISS: my parents' house in JB Melodies Garden, staying in Serangoon Gardens, long lost cousins
I FEAR: needles
I HEAR: my own heart beating hard
I WONDER: if I can be debt-free soon
I REGRET: ever making that mistake, but not really, no regrets
I AM NOT: a boy
I DANCE: with Calvin in Phuture
I SING: in tune but not that well
I CRY: easily
I AM NOT ALWAYS: loud
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: nothing very much
I WRITE: because I need to live well
I CONFUSE:D my gin & tonic with Kelvin's vodka lime, twice in a night
I NEED: more money
I SHOULD: not answer this and make myself feel guilty
I START: to talk to myself when I am pissed with myself
I FINISH: reading all of my daily selected online content of the day before work and before sleep
I LOVE: pillows, my house, reading, writing
I REMEMBER: less easily as I grow older

betray

Come, tell me I am beautiful
Proceed then to betrayal,
as if I told you to so
act innocent and vulnerable,
sweet and sickening
while proceeding to betrayal.
The gift of betrayal
was nothing much better
Than I could have gotten
without yours help.
Come Judas and his lot
Fraternising behind me
yet kissing me -
Hang some guilt if it helps
with the image of also-victim
I will always hate you
for your lack of vigilance
and straying eyes
I will always hate you more
for being the backdoor bitch
that you always will be till
the end. Hope you lose.
slash burn and return to be no more.

Monday, May 1, 2006

autumn leaves

Like a flower turned to spring
Early, and the autumn leaves arose
To ashes and nothing orange.
Perhaps it may never be
The children walking stepping
on the crispy leaves,
and they are no more but
a memory of sound of
a lovely walk in the park.
They cannot hate the spring
nor the flower that worshipped
the Sun and its glorious glow.
Not because of the tide of time
But because they are no more.

salon solidarity: what politics does to the arts scene

"With GE coming up close and sweaty on our doorsteps, or walking over our doorsteps depending on which part of Singapore you live in, there is a fresh reminder on the issue of how the political climate affects us in the arts industry...

..."So where is the current Singaporean artistic talent really? Or is there none particularly, and we are but an island meeting place for the arts. I have nothing against foreign artists coming into Singapore to curate, perform, exhibit their art. I love contemporary art and that of those beyond our shores. However, I think: where is contemporary Singaporean art? If a historian years later were to dig up our shores and see what we had culturally, do we have a place in art history? Now, what does this have to do with politics or central governing authorities you say..."




My latest thought on Salon Solidarity.