Tuesday, February 20, 2007

cny (pig)

1.
Spent most of the five days past horizontal - reading, watching enough teevee for a year, sleeping.

2.
Because of so much sleep I had a dream I was passed over for a project because I was too fat.

3.
Had another dream I suddenly ended up with two children, and no diapers for change, and I was renting a room somewhere with some family. Talk about subliminal anxiety regarding the future. I start work tomorrow.

4.
My parents cook the nicest food. Relationship does not sour even though stayed with them for five days. The key is privacy. I stay in my room, Mom lounges in the porch, we talk when we want to, no intrusions necessary.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Lauren Willig and George Orwell

I finished this book by Lauren Willig sometime back and I have to say it is well-written and a stroke of genius. My regret is that, because this book seems to be a part in a continuing saga of fictitious spies in Napoleon's era, I have no idea whether to read ahead or backwards. I think I am going to let it remain as a stand-alone novel for me for the time being.


It has elements of mystery, comedy, romance in a chick-lit fashion, and English wittiness. Given that I seldom read mystery or crime unless masked in something else, like Ryu Murakami's In The Miso Soup for example, this serves to meet my need for non-romantic thrill in a book, without being a hard-core mystery thriller sort.


My George Orwell's Why I Write, collection of essays by the man himself, is an inspiring read. It makes you think about things, and you find a friend in him if you like writing. Unfortunately, the cat tore some pages of it, and I have yet to come around to fixing them together with scotch-tape, so, reading it came to an abrupt halt. I still find him to serious to be a novelist, though maybe I can hardly stomach very many serious writers, so it could be just me.

Monday, February 12, 2007

take shit

When I was working in a bank, my personal motto was, "Shit happens, but that is why we are overcomers." C, when he first met me, said that I said this statement with utter conviction, that he believed I must have gone through many problems and came out of them on top.


I have not been angry at anyone for a very long time, I suppose my health has improved for it too. So in a sense, shit has hardly been happening. I don't think I have been cured of my anger, I just think career change happened, which traded my anger for sadness and hope and expectation.


And no I hardly ever get angry with C, even though I spend so much time with him. I don't really know sometimes which one is really me: the one who gets angry easily, or the one who hardly ever does. If C is my soulmate, then the one I am in front of him must be the real me, no? C is sensible so he hardly ever incenses me. We all know some standard things that piss me off: lack of clarity, pride, broken English, etc. C is none of these.


At the peak of my anger problems I told C what I researched and found out. We realised we both have the same problems and that was why our anger flows easily. I can take C's anger. I hardly ever get angry back, for some reason. He asks, when he is in his pensive moods, why I seem to take his shit, no one else can.


Maybe I have some horrid martyr complex. I set up a capacity for shit-taking in myself everyday, and it gets filled up, by C or otherwise, and sometimes it overflows, but till then all is well.


But I am getting tired of it.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

my myers brigg's profile

I am an ENFJ. Amazingly, this profile of mine has not really changed in the last ten years or so, and no matter how many times I have done this quiz, this profile keeps coming up to be true. I have picked out the truer bits:



Type of profession: Teachers, consultants, psychiatrists, social workers, counselors, clergy, sales representative, human resources, managers, events coordinators, politicians, diplomats, actors, designers, homemakers, musicians, writers. They have a gift of encouraging others to actualize themselves, and provide excellent leadership.

ENFJs are lively and enthusiastic facilitators who apply warmth and vision to helping people and meeting their needs. They are aware of people's aspirations and develop plans of action to make those aspirations into reality.

They like organization and closure.

They are upset by conflict or disharmony.

As young adults, ENFJs set goals early on, both in the personal and professional realms. Often the goals they set have to do with making society a better place for people. Many ENFJs take their religious and community values seriously and want others to do the same.

ENFJs also like some independent learning and projects.

And they like their work to be settled and orderly, but not so much so that it is dull, quiet, unchanging, or unchallenging.

ENFJs prefer occupations that reflect their ideals and that promote harmonious relationships with others. They tend to be attracted to occupations with a service orientation. They generally follow policies and procedures as long as those procedures are compatible with people's needs. They prefer things to be organized and decided rather than haphazard.

They particularly enjoy reading novels and seeing movies in order to see how the characters play out the life issues and questions presented in the story; it gives them an opportunity to see how others live and get along. They enjoy discussing their reading and may join book groups in order to do that. They like going to movies and plays with others and like to comment on the plot characterization.

When commitments are broken, ENFJs become upset because they see the breakup as a personal reflection on them and because they have idealized the relationship.

They are willing to discuss the ending of a relationship with only a few others because they feel a sense of blame and shame for the relationship not working out.

The ENFJ is so even-tempered that he or she can be victimized by a mate who might have become more and more demanding.

ENFJ's are outstanding leaders of groups, both task groups and growth groups. They have the charming characteristic of seeming to take for granted that they will be followed, never doubting that people will want to do what they suggest. And, more often than not, people do, because this type has unusual charisma. ENFJ's place a high value on cooperation from others and are most willing to cooperate themselves.

ENFJ's take communication for granted and believe that they are understood and that their communications are accepted.

When ENFJ's find that their position or beliefs were not comprehended or accepted, they are surprised, puzzled, and sometimes hurt. Fortunately, this does not happen with high frequency, as ENFJ's have a remarkable fluency with language, especially in speech; they are particularly adept when communicating face-to-face as opposed to communicating in writing. They are influential, therefore, in groups, having no hesitation about speaking out, no matter how large or small the group may be.

ENFJ's have an unusual ability to relate to others with empathy, taking into themselves the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of others.

This longing for the perfect carries over into the careers of ENFJ's, who experience some degree of restlessness whatever their jobs.

Their ability to be comfortable either leading or following makes them easy to have around, whatever the situation.

Areas that would not permit utilization of the interactional talents of ENFJ's for example, accounting, should be avoided; otherwise, almost any people-to-people occupation where personal, sustained contact is involved capitalizes on the personality of an ENFJ.

ENFJ'S like to have things settled and organized.

Many do not like activities in which there is a great deal of competition or in which someone or something could be hurt.




Some things are not entirely accurate, if you actually read the report, here the contraries:



I do dissociate from others' burdens pretty well, and have a clear sense of my identity without others.

I am able to say 'no' to things.

I am not that responsible, nor friendly.

I enjoy my personal leisure time a lot, almost as much if not more than time spent with others.

I am not romantic.

I am not even-tempered.




C is an INTJ.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I have been diligently trying to be aware of my spending and all that. (Lunch was accounted for at $3.70). I enjoyed the lunch, re-reading a book, enjoying the afternoon breeze, and having a coffee - this coffeeshop sells kopi-c at the same price as normal kopi, whee! I save ten cents. Then I spot the enticing shops opposite, namely the hardware store, and the shampoo shop. Very auntie, I know. So I start scouring my mental budget if I could afford, say, some new glasses for the house, or whether I should replace the exfoliator I have run out of. Is this what controlled spending feels like? Anyway, I was all inclined to pop in these stores, when, I get a tummy-ache. Saved by shit, literally, I went home after my lunch instead. Shop aisles almost never fail to give me a tummy-ache, which meant that if I went in there, I will definitely be very ill in my tummy, like a tummy-ache times two.


Anyway, now I am heading to Parkway to do real shopping. Ha!

finances

Seeing that I am soon returning to financial stability via corporate slavery, I can finally map my accounts proper. But all I see that are to come are pilfering amounts leftover. The bane of my soon-to-be proletariat pay status! C sees that at least I am getting an income (he seems to believe I never have, seeing that it was highly arbitrary) and that I will no longer be living off my savings. The thing is, these savings were not as a result of corporate slavery, but from being a capitalist. Now that I am returning to corporate slavery, the idea of 'savings' will also poof, (unless I become anorexic, what a money-saver!). It was one of the good things about being a capitalist, this concept of having money in the bank leftover. Too bad it usually remains a concept far too long before becoming actual cash. But it still happens eventually.


Alternative streams of income, perhaps. (Oh dear am I going to get comment-spammed for that). Unfortunately the whole idea of using money to make money, is that, you got to have money to begin with.


Eventually, I suppose.

Monday, February 5, 2007

report

When the Lunar New Year arrives some days soon, I will be wholly employed and partly volunteering my life in a particular VWO, one whose focus is largely local at this moment, with some overseas focus. Although a part of me wants to soak myself knee-deep in an Asian country affecting relief for flood victims or infrastructural change for slum-dwellers, this current target group will have to suffice for the moment. I am nowhere near 'experienced working in a Third World environment' nor a 'specialist in health-care / security issues'.


Part of what I will be doing in this organisation involves developing a curriculum (sounds familiar, aye) for formal academic courses specific to volunteerism and community service. Nice trophy in my portfolio. When this is done, the grand picture of my job scope really is about, to quote somewhat, recruiting, enabling, developing and recognising volunteers, through infrastructure support, and long-term named projects (think CIP or YEP, something like that, for those in the know). I am glad for it. I want to be a missions mobiliser after all.


Anyway, I never felt so qualified for a job, in a long while. At the risk of sounding arrogant: there probably was no one who was as available, motivated, or capable of filling this position. It seemed right. Plus the idea of getting paid for work on a regular monthly basis seems cool too. I feel like I have been acquired at a price. For this and many things, I thank God: I awoke on the day of the first interview, suddenly knowing I will definitely get the job, and days before their offer, for having the faith to believe they would pay me the minimum of what I asked for. Everything came out right.


I had some reservations, which are not nagging enough for me to worry over, but present enough to keep me wary, as if I were trying to chart my way to uncover a new map. I heard about a history of politicking in this place, which, by very present verification, has been eradicated through an exodus or two, and a change of leadership. I am oblivious to politics usually. But I would hardly want to work in an unhappy place. My boss is a nice gal I can get along with (one of the changes in leadership). So that should be okay. But she does warn: social service organisations can be painfully slow in getting things approved - welcome to the realm of vigilant corporate governance aka arduous decision making processes. I will try to learn, scoff if you must.


I am also wondering, how this step leads me along further in my journey towards achieving my goal. Like I said, I wanted to be sunk in relief work in impoverished countries. But I am not ready for all that immediately, obviously. Is this really the right step? I quit my job for this? And will I only have this amount of money to take home every month? I shudder to think of former corporate slave days where my money comes in and goes out and that's all folks every month. If I try very very hard, I might end the year in the same amount that I did in the last two years, through saving, not working harder. For the salesperson in me (one of my multiple personalities that sometimes surfaces very strongly), that is a downside to the job matter.


Regardless, for the workaholic in me, this is inviting in more ways than one.

book log

  1. Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar is a good read, entertaining and a literary inspiration.
  2. Again, Marian Keyes and her Walsh family sisters, particularly Anna in Anybody Out There? - superb.
  3. Am still distilling the first few chapters of The Alchemy of Desire. Very nice, partly poetic, melancholic story telling, meaning of life etc.

My reading needs combined with a book collecting habit does not at all help me in my desire to save money. I need something to fund my book habit.