ketsana

I haven't been reading the news, or my online RSS feeds. But I do check my email.

I didn't know about this disaster that happened in Asia.

I don't have money right now, but I will give when I have some.

If you can, please help out.

blogging, photos, fats, being sick and being well

I haven't been feeling really blogosphere-like lately. I have however resurrected my Flickr account to post more photos easily.

As for pictures of myself, I haven't been in the mood, because I am now hugely fat - even my feet are fat, and I think I have new stretch marks forming somewhere. It is due to my Remeron, not because I have been gorging myself like crazy. I have recently reduced my Remeron dosage but it seems to have little effect. But anyway, like I have said before, better to be fat and happy than to be thin and sad.

The past few days I have been down with some kind of flu, which I got from my students. It was hard, because there was no more flu meds in the house so by the time I took any I was already rather ill. I took the downtime to just sit at the computer and help my friend out with his shop's blog, but even sitting at the computer gave me body aches. I had no energy for much else. J did the housework this weekend. I still feel ill.

I think when I recover from this flu I want to resume a more regular exercise routine - right now I feel too painful to do much. For the past year I haven't been rolling out my exercise mat at all because I always felt lethargic. But strangely, I feel better lately. I am able to do more than what I used to be able to - housework and teaching, plus extras. I enjoyed seeing my doctor's face light up when he saw me last, because I seem and feel so much better. It is really a lot due to the EMDR therapy. Invisibly but pertinently it is also God's intervention.

My next hurdle would be to conquer my horrific fear of crowds. I still haven't plucked up my courage to go to church again because it is so very crowded - even the lifts have a queue outside it. I know that the day I step into our church again would be an answer to J's prayer. Slowly but surely. Right now, just thinking of it makes me freeze up in panic.

Vietnam finally went 'home' to his construction site. I feel less stressed. I really missed my cats. If we can still find him an owner, or if Vietnam returns to us again, we will still foster him. A little part of me feels missing now, but I guess I will get used to it.

:(

Vietnam feels like God's gift to me; dog, a man's best friend.

Yet I feel stressed out, busying myself trying to find him a new home. Making sure my cats are okay even though they hate Vietnam.

Over the weekend I felt helpless about him, wishing we could give him a good home. Staring into his lonely eyes I felt lonely too, on his behalf. His eyes were teary when he first came. Mine were teary too. Sometimes Vietnam lies down on the floor and sighs. I wonder what he sighs about.

Yet he refuses to leave us to go back to his old 'home'. He is through and through a man's best friend, not wanting to be without loving companionship.

I am trying all means and ways on the net to try and re-home him. I need your help too. Please spread the word. When he finally finds a good home, I can then heave a sigh of relief. Until then, I am too stressed out to do anything else.

Find one, save one.

Like my father said once before about our previous dog, "Kao mm si lang ah?" (loosely translated to "Dog is also human" from Hokkien).

screw networking

I hate Facebook and only use it as one of my internet means to rehome rescued animals like Vietnam. (I hope someone calls about him soon; he is now almost everywhere on the internet.) Facebook is bloody irritating, so many pictures of people whom you may or may not care about. Too many things going on. I get disoriented. I just want to live my own quiet life, it makes me happier.

Which is why I am reluctant to reinstate my handphone. I hate SMSes and every beep the phone makes gives me stress. Eventually I will have to reinstate it; I fear the beeping it will make once it is reactivated.

To find me, just call me at home, or email me.

I don't want to open my letterbox because it is too full for me to sift through every bill that I probably cannot pay at this point.

In case you worry I might become a hermit once and for all, I am going to log on MSN.

And I do meet people, just a small select group of students, neighbours and loved ones. And my doctor once in a couple of weeks. That is enough for now.

animal Weltschmerz

Weltschmerz - it is starting to me again. I cannot help feeling sad over this particular dog.

Vietnam is one of originally many stray dogs in the construction site near the field opposite my house. We feed him on weekends when there is nobody there, and when we went yesterday, we found that all his family members and friends were gone, leaving only him. He was much skinnier than before, and had started to develop skin problems. J brought him back to our house for a bath and flea treatment.

I feel sad because we cannot keep him. Owning a dog properly means being able to afford his medical bills. Having him in the house is stressing out the cats, but that problem is solvable, given time. But Vietnam will definitely need to see a doctor if we want to keep him and give him a good life off the streets. If we put him back where we found him, he is at risk of being caught and put to sleep or abandoned somewhere even more desolate.

I am at a loss, and am disoriented too. I stare at him, looking at how tame and obedient he is - he has not pooed or peed in the house - and know in my heart he will make a good pet dog. I think he knows too, that we cannot keep him. He is extremely lonely, especially since his playmates from the site have all disappeared. He clings to J a lot. We bought medicine for his skin problem, and more food for him too.

The feeling I have about Vietnam's situation is how I feel when I cannot control my sadness and sympathy for lives that are hurt and lost around the world. In a way, having Vietnam in our lives makes me sad because I cannot help him much. I really wish I can do more for him.

stressors

Sleeping till late morning or noon.

Zombiefied.

The house is out of coffee. I am drinking Darjeeling milk tea.

I am teaching later today, at my place; my new student lives near me. She is a delightful kid. I don't think my condition will worsen until I can't even teach at home someday. All I need to do is some housekeeping and get changed before I teach. I don't have to travel for this one.

The main stress factors that broke me down about teaching was getting out of the house, and having to be a totally different - normal - person, teacher for the student, and having to teach weekends, which are a lot more stressful for me. Weekends meant trying to overcome my fear to go to church, spending time with J. Having to teach weekends meant leaving him to go out. Alone. I can't do alone so often. There seems to be too many things going on during weekends. I can't handle having to teach on weekends at all.

I have to travel for the other student, my old student who took a break from tuition the same time I did - for the whole of the third school term. The major stress factors I felt while teaching for the early half of this year are gone in this gig. I don't have to put on a different teacherly persona. She knows that I am sick. We hang out together sometimes. She confides in me a lot. We have a real connection. And I go to her house on weekdays exclusively now, not weekends.

My handphone is still out of commission. It has caused some inconveniences but I am still reluctant to find the money to pay my bill and reinstate it. The important people - J, my parents, my students, my neighbours - know my house number.

Right now I am just going to relax with my cat Sayang on my lap. Until about later this afternoon, when I have to shower myself and clean up the house for my lesson.

Meanwhile, I will just try to let the cat's purring calm me while I stroke her soft fur, with jazz on the speakers, and maybe more tea. It is about to rain - the negative ions are charging in the air. I should be okay today.

home

I don't think I will ever be fully rehabilitated. I still feel tired and listless easily, and despite a reduction in overall anxiety I still find some tasks a challenge.

I have started teaching again, slowly. It's a blessing and a curse. But I reckon it is God's way of providing.

I think about how I have sometimes wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and in many ways, that is what I am now. I enjoy staying at home, doing housework, resting in between, communing with my cats, buying groceries. I still want to do that for a while more, it is adequately energising, and tiring, and I don't think I can do much more right now.

atlas shrugged

Recently the book Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand keeps showing up in the TV shows I have been watching, Mad Men and One Tree Hill. I just started reading it myself.

I had lost interest in reading for a while, but this book picked it up again for me. I don't know why I didn't want to read much lately, I just stopped. Like a machine that had become inoperable for a while.

I am relieved to have found this book to read, it is a good read so far.