i hate weddings

I know.

I know I am unreliable when it comes to the past two years' social engagements. I know I hate weddings and I always turn truant in attending them because, really, what can be more irritating than talking to 'old acquaintances' at a table of ten or twelve with whom socialising can be really, really tiring for anyone, let alone a clinically-depressed and unwell person. I know I hate babies, I know I hate making small talk with anyone except strangers, I know I hate having to answer 'How are you doing now?' and 'What are you doing (with your life) now?' questions.

But this recent hen-party I am planning for one of my very few best friends in the world, has gotten me peeved. I have two last minute not-coming replies, in the very week that the event is happening. Could they have told us any later that they are not coming?

This is the last hen-party I am ever organising, and hopefully the last wedding I will ever attend. Till the very day I die, I don't ever want to witness another sign-your-names / champagne pouring ceremony. Enough is enough.

I really hope I don't start on sarcastic, caustic, quarrelsome remarks when I meet these two girls who are suddenly not appearing for what is their good friend's last ever party as a singleton. I wish I could skip the wedding so I can avoid seeing these 'bridesmaids'. Bridesmaids indeed! What bridesmaid fails in her bridal shower duties?! Unreliable bitches! Unless you have cancer, or some other kind of debilitating excuse which renders you unable to get out of bed, then there simply is no excuse for such behaviour. I certainly hope these same 'bridesmaids' will decide to not attend the wedding itself because I have no idea how angry I will be if I were to see them in person.

Please don't ever, ever, ever invite me to any more weddings. I hate weddings. All my best friends are already married, anyone else is really not important to me. I will say yes to going but I will not ever turn up at your so-called big day. Big day for you maybe, but everyone is getting married, you are nothing special at all.

Take that, unreliable bridesmaids.

slum doctor aspirations

I have always harboured a secret ambition to be a slum doctor, like in Shantaram. The focus is on the word 'slum', or as in Mandarin they call it 'gangster doctor'. Because I have no formal first-aid, medical or pharmaceutical qualifications, I learnt everything the gangster way. I enjoy doing first aid and for some reason had always been 'arrowed' to do the first aid for our camps and expeditions back in JC. As the years passed I find myself somehow putting together first aid kits for all my mission trips. I learn easily about drug names, dosages and uses and can never forget any medicine that I personally have taken before. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that I have so many sicknesses - psychosomatic distresses that have accompanied my most of my life - because this way I have tried many different kinds of drugs.

I had a vision once of myself tending to child's injured leg in a war-torn country. When this vision flooded over me again during my Myanmar trip, my pastor asked me to bring my first aid kit along to the slum we visited, although we didn't get to use it - good thing I guess.

Lately my slum-doctor dream has been materialising in the veterinary field. Because of the animal rescue work we do in my neighbourhood I find myself learning about medications for animals and how to slum-treat the animals in our care because we don't always have the funds for veterinary fees. I seem to be able to retain information that I research on when it comes to veterinary illnesses, symptoms and types of drugs and the animals we help using our slum-vet information have helped us tide over and save many animals from euthanasia because of simple illnesses.

I think of Shantaram and how the protagonist became a slum-doctor by simply working from his first aid kit, until the slum lord who had illegal ties with a hospital started supplying him pilfered drugs to treat the villagers, and a doctor to refer patients to, cutting through all the red-tape and getting them emergency medical attention. I hope I become a slum-doctor someday; for now, I will start and continue with first-aid for animals.

inspiring quotes on need for reading and writing

I saw this quote by Desiderius Erasmus on the wall of the Borders store @ Parkway:

“When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and clothes.”

Recently I haven't been reading or writing as much as a literature-lover should. I report on my cat blog, I write emails, I watch online TV, but I haven't been writing poetry or inspiring prose, nor journalling. Neither have I picked up where I left off on my Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand which really is a good book - fiction and social commentary in one.

The quote describes me, as the only thing I really collect in my life is still books. It is my legacy, my personality in the living room of my home, and I really did use to spend indiscriminately on books to the point where other expenses did not matter as much.

Desiderius Erasmus also said, that the desire to write grows with writing. I haven't been writing, I cannot even locate my notebook, which means I have to start a new one. I do have a new notebook, a Christmas gift, that I ought to use, but it has been a while and I need to pick up the pace which inertia has slowed down considerably. The only time I pick up a pen nowadays is to teach or to write grocery lists. That has to change or else I will lose sight of my love for words.

Inspire me, and I am already inspired.

limbo

Having exhausted the available HD-quality TV shows I can watch online I am stuck in a limbo of no-TV-to-watch. I don't watch regular TV, in fact my TV set is not working and I will be giving it to my parents to repair and use for themselves. There are other shows available but I don't fancy them, shows like Heroes and Lost.

So now I am stuck online with nothing to watch. I haven't been reading for a while because I am too jittery to sit down and read most of the time, so the only things I can think of doing in my early afternoon lull time is to blog or write or work on my various projects, work or volunteer.

I have to admit I feel a bit lost, having been addicted to online TV for a while now but I guess it is good thing as I can now focus on things that are more productive like my volunteer work.

that's me today.

Extreme exhaustion: glazing over in the middle of a lesson, mind slippery and unable to grasp simple math, eyes hurting with or without glasses, knuckles hurting from joint pain, hands shaking enough for me to be unable to draw circles nicely as I should.

That's me today.

tv dramas galore

Favourite TV shows:

• Terminator
• Gossip Girl
• The Big Bang Theory

Worst TV show:

• NCIS

Other shows I watched and liked:

• Flash Forward
• Bones
• How I Met Your Mother
• One Tree Hill
• Deep Blue
• Supernatural (but not this season)
• Lie To Me
• Criminal Minds
• CSI
• Fringe
• House
  

X_X

Feeling the stress. With social engagements - two upcoming friends' weddings - my volunteer work at Ubi Kuching Project, teaching for my living, and helping my friend work his business plan for 2010. I have medicated and am still feeling fkn stressed. Wrote it down as I do when I have stuff to do, but not helping.

Enjoy doing these things but enjoyment is not giving me strength as it is supposed to. And now I am getting a headache. I want to do these things but I feel wrung.

Am alternating doing these things with supposedly-stress-relieving activities like watching my TV dramas online and listening to my favourite electronica. Not helping except that my ears are ringing from the aural onslaught.

ARGH.

comments NOT useful for someone with depression

• You need to get out and socialise more often
• Don't keep thinking that you are depressed
• Don't rely on medication, you will get addicted
• Don't be sad
• Try to keep yourself occupied
• Why don't you try (insert alternative therapy)?

The best thing to do is to listen and not to give advice. Ask about the problem. But don't give solutions. The depressed person's psychiatrist knows better, and the depressed person has likely already read all that he or she can on the sickness.

It is a sickness not a behaviour problem.

Panic attacks - frequent enough.
Craving for drink is returning.
- I just need to be present -
Cue deep breathing - -
(not working)

today's emdr

Today I had a very fruitful session of therapy with my psychiatrist. Normally it is fruitful nonetheless but today there were a lot of issues to deal with, and my doctor did EMDR for me to help me address these issues.

I have been feeling exhausted. That is normal for me, of course. The way the exhaustion presents itself: after teaching I am so exhausted that I am too exhausted to rest. I have no energy to go downstairs to eat or meet my friends at the pet shop.

My doctor asked me how long have I felt this exhausted. At first I answered, always. He asked, since when. I realise that I have been feeling exhaustion since I was in JC. The only time I recall feeling rested was when we were camping one night on Pulau Seletar around the campfire, after a day of canoeing. Ever since JC time I have been feeling exhausted almost every day, unable to wake up, needing to drink after work almost every night. After ruling out possible physical causes, my doctor asked me, "Are you still depressed?" I didn't answer yes or no. But it seems that the answer eventually surfaced to us as a yes.

I still feel depressed sometimes, I cope by blinding myself to sad things and staying at home as much as possible to shield myself from stressors. Reading the news makes me sad, so I don't. I am an empath at heart, political for the causes of the innocent; when I read about, say, a flood uprooting people from their homes, I actually feel like I am living the experience of these very people. I break down and cry.

And so the good doc told me how to look at this positively. Political advocacy is a good thing. I stopped feeling sad about being sad when I learn of incidences of injustice. I guess this feeling will always be with me and I cannot hide myself from the news for long.

As for my exhaustion, while I may not be able to prevent it from happening for now, we found a way to deal with it. I decided that when I am exhausted I can still fulfill my social obligations. I can just be there, not having to do much. And that is how I will cope for now.

recent hobbies

I have been watching a lot of TV online at Funshion.com. I have downgraded from books to TV. I did resurrect my book of Emily Dickinson's poems, provoked by a literature lesson I was giving. I have also been playing a lot of Sudoku.