Sunday, January 31, 2010

Feeling unhinged; that Geography class I am teaching keeps bearing on my mind. I feel so solely responsible for them, those few boys in my class. I want to relinquish sole-responsibility, I don't want to be the only one for them.

I think about the hot classroom, how dirty it is, how unlike my own home where I normally teach. I think about not being easily able to show them videos and pictures to help me in my teaching because there is no computer, no projector. I think about the very limited resources I have to help them wholly.

I feel like giving up before I have barely started; should I trust that feeling? Or should I bear on in it?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I have recently accepted and begun teaching in a class. I haven't been teaching in a classroom setting for a while, but I have to say I don't miss it. I don't know if I want to continue the assignment but I don't want to let the kids down for now, plus I could do with the extra money. For now, it's mixed emotions in the bag.


I killed my new netbook recently. Through a series of coffee accidents. It was a free netbook and the free printer-scanner that came with it is still working albeit out of ink, but nonetheless it had too short a lifespan.

So I need a new one. But with being short on funds - scarcity and infinite needs etc. - I am not sure when I will get one.

When it comes to me, I promise to use a keyboard protector.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

independent charity work

I think about the work I do in my community, my neighbourhood, it is not much, but it signifies a lot. I have come to think that a lot more can be done to serve the community we live in without having to wait for an organisation to slip a donations envelop into our mail. There always will be a need to fill, and there will always be gaps that leave these needs unmet. New needs will appear all the time.

In Singapore we are so used to having institutions for everything. We think that the government takes care of everything, so we should leave it to 'them'. But when I learn about charity work overseas, I see the independent lobbyists and fund-raisers do so much to raise awareness to their causes, so much that does not come top-down, but really bottom-up, from the community to the community.

That, is the key to so many things. Right now I am only helping animals in Ubi, one day, I want to do much more and help humans too. It seems much more attainable now to me, when I realise how easy it has been for us to be an independent animal welfare group, devoid of institutionalised support. I want that.

I know when I am ready, God will drop a need in my lap, like he did with the cats in my life. I just need to connect the dots to get that need met, and it will all fall into place somehow. I may not be ready to work in an NGO again yet, but maybe I don't need an NGO now, maybe all it takes is for me to be in the middle of a real human need and its solution. A simple good deed may become tomorrow's world-changing movement if we keep it going.

Happy Birthday Sayang

She places one foreleg onto my forearm, nestling it just in the crook of my arm, proceeding then to place her dainty chin on her paw, purring with love. She smells like cotton, feels like it too, so soft, nothing the most expensive fabric could possibly replicate. Her name is Sayang, which means love.

She is not the prettiest cat in the world, there are far prettier ones. She is not of exquisite pedigree, nothing a feline fancier would take a shine to. She is just herself, loving, showing it through hugs and purrs and meows for attention.

Sayang has just turned a year old, although we cannot ascertain her exact birth date. I worry about her even at her age, worry that she might die young, worry that she might fall sick, sorry that I cannot afford to be more paranoid. For now, she warms my lap, happy, contented, probably happier now than she was when she was just born in the streets.

She may not be my first cat, but she is the first one that I chose to take home, without discussion with anyone else in the household, because I could not stand for her to have one more night alone and sick in her boarding pen. She is my first purring cat, one who loves hugs, so opposite from Slinky who is no doubt still very special to me, but Sayang will always be irreplaceable for her loving personality.

I remember the time she first came on heat, earlier than we had expected, when she was about five months old. She couldn't help meowing all night, she couldn't help being in need, and Slinky the queen of aloofness Herself, even went over to lick Sayang in concern. When we brought Sayang home from her spaying surgery, I remember weeping to see her in drowsy pain, but knowing that the procedure would save her from more pain for the rest of her life.

Sayang is an absolutely amazing cat. I love her to bits and hope she remains in my life for the next ten years and onward.

Happy Birthday Sayang.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Ever since I have been cycling again, this time with my own bicycle and for commuting purposes, I find my body becoming healthier. I have stopped exercising a while ago because it was really discouraging to see myself getting fatter the more I exercise - because I was on my Remeron and still am - which simply makes you fat whether you eat or exercise or not.

This year J and I bought bicycles and we have been using to commute short distances. I have a fear of riding on pavements, not just because it is illegal, but because I don't want to ram into people. I feel much safer on the road, where cyclists ought to be.

Cycling is not only a cardio workout, it is resistance training too, especially when I have to carry up my bike to my walk-up third floor flat. Very interesting experience in all, and very exhilarating.

When I feel up to it I will cycle to Pasir Ris where one of my students is. Taking the Kaki Bukit Tampines Ave 10 route then down Pasir Ris Drive 3. I hope I survive the distance.

It is not only a green way to travel, it is also cheaper.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Room rental prices are sky-high crazy right now. I used to rent for $450 at the most for a common bedroom, now they are starting at $550 even for unfurnished rooms. My current spare room is being rented out at $450 which I have already raised twice from $350.

My tenant is a quiet gal who doesn't do her laundry at home nor cook, which is a bonus with the clutter-less feel she gives. The only problem is that she hates my cats and indirectly prevents me from keeping more, which I feel guilty about especially with the visit of this cutie.

And I can't drive her away for a higher rental income, I don't want to do that and make her homeless, not when she hasn't yet bought her new place. That and the possibility that I might not rent out the room again after she leaves; I want to turn it into a workspace again, because it has great light, suitable for teaching, painting, etc. I can extend my library of books inside the room, reducing the current overcrowding on the shelves. For now, I still need the rental income because I cannot afford the price if my tenant leaves now.

Monday, January 11, 2010

got us a pair

Being in the requisite cheesy mood that the upcoming wedding of the BFF has cast on me, I am glad to announce that J and I bought a pair of gifts for ourselves, as a 'couple'. Something like a pair of wedding rings, only much more practical.

J bought us both bicycles. Nothing overly fancy, costing about $190 each, 18-speed mountain bikes with aluminium frames. I haven't cycled in a really long time, about over a year. Our bikes are matching, and we took our first mini-expedition around Ubi tonight on our bikes.

J is officially the first man in my life I am committing to exercising together with. Big step! Thankfully, our interest concerning sporting activities are similar. He doesn't do ball games and neither do I. He finds running boring. My knees hurt when I run. We like swimming but I assert that I am too fat to swim now, so that's another dead end. Eventually we decided on bicycles. He likes skate scooters too and I think they are indeed fun, but I think that spending $300+ on an adult skate scooter is a tad extreme.

I have to say, cycling is very tedious and dangerous for a fat girl. I am no longer able to lean forward as much, to increase my aerodynamism and to lower my centre of gravity. This makes me slow and unsteady. I also have a phobia of riding on pavements, something which I personally hate of cyclists who do. (In fact, one of my local heroines is an old lady who uses her umbrella to whack cyclists who ride on pavements. I want to do the same, but I have to wait a long time before I can carry it off with senior-citizen licentiousness.) Also, being fat means I cannot twist around my upper body much to look peripherally for oncoming traffic. Being fat is a severe handicap.

Looks like I really have to re-start my exercise regimen again, after stopping for so long my exercise mat is collecting dust. Onward we go! And I also really ought to get a side-view mirror for my bike...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I don't know if I can do this. S's wedding is this Friday, a whole-day till evening starting as early as 5 a.m. I haven't altered my cheongsam which I can barely fit into. I haven't bought my outfit for the day. My nails are chipped. I will need to pack lots of things in my go-bag for the day itself. I feel too fat, which I am, since I am still on that stupid Remeron and have given up exercising because it makes me fatter than I can slim down through exercise. I haven't been remembering to take my Lexapro - and I feel terrible, and I must remember them from tomorrow morning onwards. I feel like I am mentally deflating fast, I worry I might breakdown on the actual day. I wish I could skip the wedding but a best friend is still a best friend, I don't think I have a choice, particularly when I have already been assigned important things to do throughout the day. I hate weddings.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Is anyone else suffering from extremely-slow-internet-connection these days? Or actually I should say, these nights? The speeds at night are horrendously slow, so slow that I haven't been able to do any heavy-duty up- or downloading any night, every night.

I even tried to surf Hardwarezone forums to see if anyone else had the problem but the site is so slow for me too, so there's another dead end. We complained to M1 broadband about the situation and some sites have improved somewhat, at least to the extent of being able to enter the site at all. Right now, it feels like dial-up to me. Ah the days of dial-up. Sometimes M1 broadband feels like, or slower than, dial-up.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

the return of gastric moo

Have been feeling gastric-flu-like symptoms since that hectic weekend, I reckon it's because of the wine I had. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and it really feels weird.

I shouldn't have had the wine - wine gives me gastric pains, so do onions - but I did and I guess it is my fault that I have puked twice since those two glasses on Saturday.

Right now I can only assuage the pain with Actal because I no longer have Famotidin or Omeprezole in the house; I haven't had gastric problems for a long time now.

The feeling of sick is not throughout the day, which means I can truly 'enjoy' my week-long break by being alone, doing some piecemeal housework, and lying in bed with my book, net- or paperback.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

colin ford

This boy actor (Supernatural, Smallville) is so cute. And he is only 13. Sweet kid, wonder if he will be dashing when he grows up; he is already rather swoon-worthy...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

They say, "Socialise more! Get out of your house!" but doing that makes me feel even more depressed.

I forget to take my meds and combine that with people, ugh, I am just really, really depressed.

I am fed up with having to field any more likely suggestions on having to go out more. I cannot handle it even if I want to. I really hope people stop suggesting this.

Even at home, tidying up the social networking mess that group meets and gifts always create, I weep while I am typing reply emails at my laptop.

chinese weddings - dumb, lame and anger-causing

After waking up, I still feel lots of negative energy. Feelings like how much I hate a particular bridesmaid: how is the excuse of 'married life' count for tardiness? Inexcusable and I now only hate weddings more. Her own stupid decision to have gotten married in the first place, the poor man who made the choice unless he is equally a bitch.

My best friend E's decision to go it the Botanic Gardens way is truly the smartest ever. I admire her more now for it.

I still think that weddings are lame. It only makes the difference for the ones in love and in that way lovers tend to be in their own pink-cloud of exclusiveness I feel even more lame when so much trouble and effort is gone towards something that causes so much pain.

I thought that sleep and meds would have helped these feelings go away, but they haven't. But at least I am not (yet) cheesed off about the internet right now.


I am sorry if I am ranting, but I cannot help feeling frustrated and I cannot help using words to express it. It all stems from unreliable people and the extremely slow internet connection. It spirals into Facebook-hate so much to the point where I am spam-blocking all my Facebook notifications.

I am glad for the one-week break upcoming, which means less money. And I cannot afford to have less money, because I fear that the unreliable people will not reimburse me for joint expenses made.

I just want to veg out and have a cat-like way of retreating into my own world. But the slow internet does not help.

This frustration is obviously going nowhere. I want to sleep until mid-afternoon and forget it all, hopefully, when I wake up.