Today I am going bravely towards the throngs of people that is church. Not the one that my pastor is in but another, more spacious one that is also within cycling distance.
Somehow a mix of events brought me to this morning of resolution. I woke up early because I was so exhausted yesterday that I slept early. I woke up early also because we have a foster dog with us, and she was with us in bed, and I woke up because of her. Even earlier than last night, I met a prospective tenant that somehow reminded us that we should try making it through the church doors once again.
Strangely I don't feel that much of a panic as I would feel if I were to even consider going to the other church which my paranoid self sees as Mecca during pilgrimage time - someone will surely get trampled over (me) and a fire may break out and likely everyone will be trapped within and die of smoke-inhalation. That is me. And yes, I still fear trains and haven't been on the MRT in a long time as well. I still sanitise my hands after pressing the lift buttons in the hospital whenever I go for my check-ups.
But today, everything comes together like a mini Big Bang Theory and I will be cycling to Trinity church at Paya Lebar. I will med-up. I will be there. I will enjoy the spaciousness of the place and the friendly anonymity. Thank you God.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
kaput
I am on the verge of burn-out. Thinking of things I have to do - housework, teaching, preparation work for my lessons, my volunteer work at Ubi Kuching Project, prospecting for suitable new tenants for my spare room - I feel like a really old car that makes weird noises when it starts up, if at all. And not a cute Mini either, more like a van that is nearing the scrap heap.
I don't even have the energy to write. I just want to sleep into oblivion and never wake up, or disappear into a lakeside hut in the outskirts of Thailand. I want to cry but I am dry. I have no way of coping anymore now that I don't drink alone and can't.
And being broke makes it worse; I cannot make myself richer without working more but I cannot work more because I already cannot handle the current load, like a washing machine already stuffed beyond its brim.
Hanging on tethers, soon to be singular, and as in the law of physics, every tether that breaks makes it easier to break the following one. Snap. Snap. Snapsnapsnap. I am dying inside.
Medication to cope? Yes that is crucial. For the whole re-tuning of my mindset. But right now, I don't think my brain can be boosted beyond capacity. Milestones need to be signposts along the way, not a flagpole on the moon. I feel more somnolent when I remember to take my meds, more on edge and on the brink when I forget. Between the devil and the deep blue sea I would rather be neither.
I want to melt away into a reservoir of tears that I cannot cry.
I don't even have the energy to write. I just want to sleep into oblivion and never wake up, or disappear into a lakeside hut in the outskirts of Thailand. I want to cry but I am dry. I have no way of coping anymore now that I don't drink alone and can't.
And being broke makes it worse; I cannot make myself richer without working more but I cannot work more because I already cannot handle the current load, like a washing machine already stuffed beyond its brim.
Hanging on tethers, soon to be singular, and as in the law of physics, every tether that breaks makes it easier to break the following one. Snap. Snap. Snapsnapsnap. I am dying inside.
Medication to cope? Yes that is crucial. For the whole re-tuning of my mindset. But right now, I don't think my brain can be boosted beyond capacity. Milestones need to be signposts along the way, not a flagpole on the moon. I feel more somnolent when I remember to take my meds, more on edge and on the brink when I forget. Between the devil and the deep blue sea I would rather be neither.
I want to melt away into a reservoir of tears that I cannot cry.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
rent
Hi all, my room is up for rent, available from March 15th 2010. See ad here.
(In any case, if I do not find a suitable tenant, I will be using the room as an office cum study, to teach in, so I no longer have to teach in my kitchen and therefore have a quiet place I can have weekend lessons in even if there are people coming to and from the kitchen during then. I also look forward to the savings in electricity without a tenant!)
But if you or someone you know needs a room, please refer them to this available space. Thanks!
(In any case, if I do not find a suitable tenant, I will be using the room as an office cum study, to teach in, so I no longer have to teach in my kitchen and therefore have a quiet place I can have weekend lessons in even if there are people coming to and from the kitchen during then. I also look forward to the savings in electricity without a tenant!)
But if you or someone you know needs a room, please refer them to this available space. Thanks!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
got myself a threatening demand over sms
It has been a hot and really humid week. Early this week my air-con ran out of refrigerant. We got someone to top up the R22 and then the air-con worked. Later that night the air-con conked out again. We thought, jialat, must be pipe leaking. This was Thursday early morning. We couldn't get the contractor again to come on Thursday itself - checking for leaks means it has to be daytime, and they were already booked for Friday afternoon, the eve of the eve of Chinese New Year, when most contractors have already closed business since Thursday. My tenant, W, when I informed her that we are getting the air-con fixed again on Saturday. She said, "Why cannot come today? Another two more nights of suffering." I told her that no choice.
So Saturday it was that J got someone to come but the person couldn't make it in the end. When J called me - I was already here in JB by then - at the same time, my tenant got home and J rushed off the phone to go tell her that the air-con was not fixed.
She got upset and started complaining to J. J called me back to say so and that she would be calling me to talk about it.
She didn't call me. She sent this SMS instead:
Since she didn't call me in the morning either, I SMSed her back - her preferred form of discussion so it seems - and so I wrote that she doesn't have to pay rental this month, her deposit (which is a hundred dollars short of the actual rent) shall be used for this month's rental and she should move out by March 15th.
She SMSed back, asking for more time. I wrote, no, I have already put up my room for rental on the internet for $600 (fully furnished, bed size of your choosing, internet inclusive).
She finally relented and called me. She said that usually I tell her once the air-con is fixed or not. I replied saying that I had only just found out when J called me and he immediately rushed off to tell her when she came home. She said she needed more time to move out, I said that one-month notice is very fair. She asked me to talk to her nicely, I got even more upset and shouted back at her, "Why should I talk to you nicely if you choose to send me demands over SMS? You gave me no chance to discuss the issue, instead you choose to send me demands. So if you want to demand things from me, likewise I will demand from you. If you need time to move out, then fine, pay me $500 for this month's rental (the rent is actually $450) and the next month until you move out."
Am I right to get upset? Her SMS quoted above is verbatim. I have never shouted at her before. But I think in this case I am justified to get angry.
So Saturday it was that J got someone to come but the person couldn't make it in the end. When J called me - I was already here in JB by then - at the same time, my tenant got home and J rushed off the phone to go tell her that the air-con was not fixed.
She got upset and started complaining to J. J called me back to say so and that she would be calling me to talk about it.
She didn't call me. She sent this SMS instead:
I got really upset - what kind of a threat is this? She didn't call me to discuss her grievances and instead decided to demand me to reimburse her hotel stay over an SMS. I called her back and she didn't answer, she had taken sedatives and gone to sleep.
I am very upset that the aircon is still not fixed today. My room is very humid and stuffy and I can't sleep and it is CNY! I will find hotel stay and deduct from rent this 15th.
Since she didn't call me in the morning either, I SMSed her back - her preferred form of discussion so it seems - and so I wrote that she doesn't have to pay rental this month, her deposit (which is a hundred dollars short of the actual rent) shall be used for this month's rental and she should move out by March 15th.
She SMSed back, asking for more time. I wrote, no, I have already put up my room for rental on the internet for $600 (fully furnished, bed size of your choosing, internet inclusive).
She finally relented and called me. She said that usually I tell her once the air-con is fixed or not. I replied saying that I had only just found out when J called me and he immediately rushed off to tell her when she came home. She said she needed more time to move out, I said that one-month notice is very fair. She asked me to talk to her nicely, I got even more upset and shouted back at her, "Why should I talk to you nicely if you choose to send me demands over SMS? You gave me no chance to discuss the issue, instead you choose to send me demands. So if you want to demand things from me, likewise I will demand from you. If you need time to move out, then fine, pay me $500 for this month's rental (the rent is actually $450) and the next month until you move out."
Am I right to get upset? Her SMS quoted above is verbatim. I have never shouted at her before. But I think in this case I am justified to get angry.
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