... and that solved my daytime drowsiness problem by leaps and bounds.
But I am still often on verge of panic attacks, sometimes more frequently, sometimes hardly. Still, doctor ordered a urine test to check if there is something wrong with my adrenal glands. And my Xa*nax dose has increased to cope with the anxiety till we find out if so.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
trepidation
Before I fall asleep.
I feel a sense of fear
- irrational fear,
one that cannot be qualified.
I murmur Psalm 121 to myself.
It helps. The Lord will watch over
your coming and going both
now and forevermore.
I am now on a new cycle of meds.
Will I sleep eventually? I hope.
Else I will need a drink to cope.
For now, chasing trepidation then.
I feel a sense of fear
- irrational fear,
one that cannot be qualified.
I murmur Psalm 121 to myself.
It helps. The Lord will watch over
your coming and going both
now and forevermore.
I am now on a new cycle of meds.
Will I sleep eventually? I hope.
Else I will need a drink to cope.
For now, chasing trepidation then.
Friday, July 16, 2010
flf
I feel like fuck, well and truly. Medication has not provided respite. It did, against the crazy-exhaustion that took hold of me most of today. Then now, I feel like I am swimming in sewage and nothing is helping. I want to write this agony away. I want to take my heart out of my chest so that it can stop clamouring for my attention by beating so hard. I want to reboot my tear ducts so that it can either cry or not at all, instead of the half-fucked sadness I am feeling right now.
I am waiting. Waiting for my dinner, but waiting is the pits. I hate waiting so much that the thing desired at the end of the wait does not hold hope against the agony of waiting. When J arrives home, he will turn on the room light, which will illuminate all, and make things worse, but I cannot possibly eat my dinner in darkness. And hopefully, his return will bring relief to the mental and physiological turmoil that is me, now. Then the light will be forgiven.
I would very much like a beer, and that would be the third drink of the day if I give in to the craving. But it may prove a relief. Perhaps I should get dressed and go walk around in the supermarket for the second time today, perhaps it will bring me some measure of safety and peace in such a time.
On the bright side, I think my claustrophobia is getting so much better. Therapy helped lots. I will keep working on it, and the supermarket beckons despite the people that will be there, I will probably find comfort being there now.
I am waiting. Waiting for my dinner, but waiting is the pits. I hate waiting so much that the thing desired at the end of the wait does not hold hope against the agony of waiting. When J arrives home, he will turn on the room light, which will illuminate all, and make things worse, but I cannot possibly eat my dinner in darkness. And hopefully, his return will bring relief to the mental and physiological turmoil that is me, now. Then the light will be forgiven.
I would very much like a beer, and that would be the third drink of the day if I give in to the craving. But it may prove a relief. Perhaps I should get dressed and go walk around in the supermarket for the second time today, perhaps it will bring me some measure of safety and peace in such a time.
On the bright side, I think my claustrophobia is getting so much better. Therapy helped lots. I will keep working on it, and the supermarket beckons despite the people that will be there, I will probably find comfort being there now.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
buoyant
I haven't been eating more protein like I was told by the doc on Wednesday, to reduce the severity of my depression. My fridge is full of eggs, untouched. I eat a muesli bar every now and then. My appetite sucks, lunch is impossible, dinner needs to be split into two meals.
The funks are still occurring. Earlier this afternoon, I told J, "We are in danger." when it was a peaceful afternoon. I told him to get me 2 Xan*axes and napped. I felt my heart palpitating badly when I awoke. I took two beta-blockers. Then I felt my mood descend into deep. I took a Fluanxol, burned a mix of clary sage, lavender and eucalyptus essential oil, soaked in the negative ions of my new (cheap) negative ioniser. It could be worse, I could be cowering under the sheets right now crying. But with medication, negative ions and aromatherapy, I feel literally afloat, neither out of the water nor sinking deep.
I don't know how long I can tread water tonight though. I think about a long day of work tomorrow and am not mentally prepared. Work three days a week, ha. I indulge in the hobby of my volunteer work everyday, and rest as much as possible. I still look forward to work with trepidation at times, feeling like I will let my students (or clients, if copywriting work) down.
I feel like a long glass of ice-cold Guinness Draught right now.
The funks are still occurring. Earlier this afternoon, I told J, "We are in danger." when it was a peaceful afternoon. I told him to get me 2 Xan*axes and napped. I felt my heart palpitating badly when I awoke. I took two beta-blockers. Then I felt my mood descend into deep. I took a Fluanxol, burned a mix of clary sage, lavender and eucalyptus essential oil, soaked in the negative ions of my new (cheap) negative ioniser. It could be worse, I could be cowering under the sheets right now crying. But with medication, negative ions and aromatherapy, I feel literally afloat, neither out of the water nor sinking deep.
I don't know how long I can tread water tonight though. I think about a long day of work tomorrow and am not mentally prepared. Work three days a week, ha. I indulge in the hobby of my volunteer work everyday, and rest as much as possible. I still look forward to work with trepidation at times, feeling like I will let my students (or clients, if copywriting work) down.
I feel like a long glass of ice-cold Guinness Draught right now.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
respite, maelstrom, catatonia and protein
I don't eat three meals in a day, usually. Just dinner and sometimes supper when hunger is brought on by my nightly Remeron dosage. My doctor says that my lack of eating means that I am not getting enough protein and thus making each depressive episode even worse. I am now supposed to eat an egg a day. And protein bars if I can stomach it.
During today's EMDR therapy, towards the end, I think I went into a catatonic state. I tried my best to get out of it. I was conscious, but unable to move or speak. It has happened before. And this was the second time my doctor managed to witness it. Before I went into muteness I said I felt safe in the doctor's office, which is where I was. I also said I felt safe at home, and when with my cats, and when with J. Then I went catatonic and stared into space, muted, rigid. I could feel the whole experience. When I forced myself out of it, I said that while I felt safe, inside me was a maelstrom. My doctor then said that our goal was to have the feeling of safety brought inside of me, so I could bring it wherever I went.
And because I have been sleeping much better lately - I am off melatonin and can sleep well with half my Remeron dosage - my doctor finally halved my Remeron dosage permanently. I hope I can do well on this new lowered dose. The cost savings and cessation of weight gain are key motivators in my wanting to have my Remeron reduced.
I had a really hard time on Monday. I felt an emotional crash, and it felt as bad as it was when I first started seeking treatment for my depression. Eventually, I took the meds I needed to, wrote my doctor an email, and had a shot of Glenfiddich whisky and can of Guinness Draught. It became better. I told my doctor that that was how I coped with the horrible depressive feeling on Monday, and that by Tuesday when he called me back, I was already better. He said today that the fact that the crash only lasted a day, it was good progress from the past when it would last for much, much longer. And that alcohol was an acceptable way to cope when necessary and not too often, and as long as I didn't drink as much as I did that I ended up hurting myself.
He also said that my discipline in regulating my work three-days-weekly, rest-four-days regime is paying off. Hence my sleeping better. During my non-work-days I force myself to rest and relax. I guess I can't expect to be a normal person so soon and be working six days a week as one should.
The weekly visits to the doctor are paying off, although it means I have to find ways to pay for them. God will provide, and I will work hard on the three-days-weekly. J might take a credit line to help out in the meanwhile. And my parents are helping me when they can. Do I still feel sad? Even right now, yes. But my eye-makeup stays in place; I will distract the tears with other things.
During today's EMDR therapy, towards the end, I think I went into a catatonic state. I tried my best to get out of it. I was conscious, but unable to move or speak. It has happened before. And this was the second time my doctor managed to witness it. Before I went into muteness I said I felt safe in the doctor's office, which is where I was. I also said I felt safe at home, and when with my cats, and when with J. Then I went catatonic and stared into space, muted, rigid. I could feel the whole experience. When I forced myself out of it, I said that while I felt safe, inside me was a maelstrom. My doctor then said that our goal was to have the feeling of safety brought inside of me, so I could bring it wherever I went.
And because I have been sleeping much better lately - I am off melatonin and can sleep well with half my Remeron dosage - my doctor finally halved my Remeron dosage permanently. I hope I can do well on this new lowered dose. The cost savings and cessation of weight gain are key motivators in my wanting to have my Remeron reduced.
I had a really hard time on Monday. I felt an emotional crash, and it felt as bad as it was when I first started seeking treatment for my depression. Eventually, I took the meds I needed to, wrote my doctor an email, and had a shot of Glenfiddich whisky and can of Guinness Draught. It became better. I told my doctor that that was how I coped with the horrible depressive feeling on Monday, and that by Tuesday when he called me back, I was already better. He said today that the fact that the crash only lasted a day, it was good progress from the past when it would last for much, much longer. And that alcohol was an acceptable way to cope when necessary and not too often, and as long as I didn't drink as much as I did that I ended up hurting myself.
He also said that my discipline in regulating my work three-days-weekly, rest-four-days regime is paying off. Hence my sleeping better. During my non-work-days I force myself to rest and relax. I guess I can't expect to be a normal person so soon and be working six days a week as one should.
The weekly visits to the doctor are paying off, although it means I have to find ways to pay for them. God will provide, and I will work hard on the three-days-weekly. J might take a credit line to help out in the meanwhile. And my parents are helping me when they can. Do I still feel sad? Even right now, yes. But my eye-makeup stays in place; I will distract the tears with other things.
Monday, July 5, 2010
takotsubo
Octopus-trap
clamping my heart
Keeping it alive
for delayed death
As if consumption-
dying inside-out
and claustrophobia-
weren't wasting enough
Death by trap:
not ideal by
any means, no
Freedom beckons
Lying liberated
in an open field
where no one sees
as I leave earth alone
That - would be
The way to leave
Unencumbered
- a Release.
clamping my heart
Keeping it alive
for delayed death
As if consumption-
dying inside-out
and claustrophobia-
weren't wasting enough
Death by trap:
not ideal by
any means, no
Freedom beckons
Lying liberated
in an open field
where no one sees
as I leave earth alone
That - would be
The way to leave
Unencumbered
- a Release.
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