freelancing

I freelance not by choice, but because of its perks and allowances. Being sick means I can't do full-time work that requires clocking in - because then most days of a weak I would need to rest at home and take emergency medication; fourteen days of MC would fit a month, not a year. Or I would take long term sabbaticals never to return. Even as a freelancer, my doctor told me I have to try to work only alternate days. I tried to do more, and my system broke down so to speak, and I fell even sicker.

Now, I seemed to have regressed even further. Simple tasks like taking a shower, cleaning the house, is so difficult for me. I can't even do these things, how am I supposed to have lessons with my students in my home? Thankfully, they chose to take sabbaticals too - for the exams, and then for the holidays. Usually I would press them to have lessons in the holidays, my practice for the ten over years I have been teaching. But this year, no. Usually spending time with my teenage students energises me, for I love working with teenagers. But now the thought of anything social in the first place is driving me anxious.

Yes this seems like a regression in my depression, and it is, plain and simple. I didn't realise it at first, but now I do. Instead of moving forward and being able to do more of my paying freelance work, I can't find the strength to do it anymore, when it comes to teaching. When the school year starts, of course, I will have to teach again, because all the academic problems my students face will rear their heads fiercely. And maybe during the last week of December I will invite my students to come over for a pre-school-year lesson - yes, I will do that. But for now till then, I really want some more respite.

How can work be so difficult for an individual? I thought I was getting better. But as always, it is one step forward two steps back. I feel the working class guilt, the protestant work ethic, kicking in and telling me that I should do more paying work. I know I should, but wherefrom should I find the strength and health to?

I have tried working through the pain, sickness, depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. When I do that, basically all those attempts are half-fucked because I keep on, in gaming terms, afk-ing out. I tried. And people around me have to make allowances for me when I am semi-catatonic and very obviously unable to work. Imagine working with someone who is half faint, unable to talk, unable to move, or all of the above. Thankfully, it's freelance, so I can come and go. But I leave debris behind.

Work that doesn't require much strength from me regarding washing up and cleaning, would be my copywriting work. But that comes in less steadily than teaching. I enjoy it because I can do it unwashed and never have to step out of the house (unless necessary to meet). With my ad out in the web I get calls for quotes, and I have a regular entreprise using my services, but I am not actively seeking for more prospects as the salesperson in me should. Simply because I don't have the energy to, literally. Like I said, I have regressed. Doing simple, menial tasks already take all the energy out of me lately. I need to move on from this regression to move up.

I know I will move on, out, up from this recent regression in being unable to do many simple daily tasks like a regular person can - easily. That said, I know I will always have to be a freelancer because I never know when I will suffer a blip in my recovery and need to time out. No boss is going to understand this unless I work for myself.

And yes, this is the price of clinical depression on the economy.

In any case, writing about this has helped me. I will keep on going on. I will put up more ads for my copywriting services. I will schedule a last-week-of-December lesson week for my students. I will keep on doing things in small steps towards recovery, so they can become big steps. Even though I might have to do this for a long time, I will keep on doing it - getting better.

Years on, years to come? Maybe. So please understand us.

Today I went to IMH for the first time

And it was a terrible experience I will not repeat unless dire necessity dictates.

The service is as bad at Tan Tock Seng hospital.

Their waiting area beds are so small my anxiety went up even higher because I felt so claustrophobic - they refused to put the side barriers down even, saying I will fall down; I had to secretly lower it myself.

There are no tissues on the waiting area bedsides. What the fuck? Isn't this a psychiatric hospital?

The doctor was curt and mean and had poor bedside manners.

And they fucking had no Valium injection to give me which was what I needed and what my regular doctor asked me to ask for because he and his colleagues were offsite. What kind of psychiatric medical centre has NO VALIUM? They have valium injections at regular hospitals (like Eastshore) for crying out loud. And IMH doesn't have it? I had to settle for a lorazepam jab, which worked as well, but doesn't give the same kind of peace and tranquil and immediate sedation as Valium. I don't have Valium at home. I have lorazepam, though an injection is still better.

They wanted to ward me. For fuck? I just need a jab, and maybe some rest? The doctor gave in and let me go immediately.

Terrible terrible experience. No wonder those who go to IMH for treatment usually get worse not better. At least I am somewhat better than before I started seeing my psychiatrist, even if after years of treatment I am still sick.

First time I went to a hospital for psychiatric emergency. Last time I will step into IMH. Even if I ever need to be warded am definitely not going there. There are psychiatric wards in other hospitals. No thank you WH.

As you can see I am still in the throes of agitation, irritability and anger. This was how my day started, escalating into a full-blown panic attack and symptoms of paranoia so bad like I never had before. I didn't dare to close my eyes because I kept believing, for real, that I would die if I sleep. I couldn't talk properly. I couldn't walk and had to crawl to the medicine box to get my medication. Every single sound that emanated from outside seemed incredibly loud and sent me into a frenzy. I was in physical pain. I was aching. And for now the worst is over thanks to the jab I had to go through a lot of suffering to get.

I will need to take a lot of medication tonight because the rage and irritation is still on. Seeing my real doctor tomorrow for my monthly appointment.