Voyeur

The two of you erupt me
- my muse
I get led to this place
by you

If I lose my words
I find you and lights
turn on

I watch.
Closely and hear
the breathing

she is a cat
I hear her giggling
and meowing with you

dripping all over
I hate the asian heat
but in the heat

the words flow with you
and you are they come
i have no inspiration

save for the two of you

static
history - none
no need for time in this place

what happened
who you were
with

without you
all of you
i will write as if void

Spite

Spite -
all those secrets
hidden but for
singular exposure

Spite me
Hide yourselves
in that corner I
knew once and again

wine, music and glee

I think I am very influenced by my surroundings, to the point which I detest. If I were to make a list of things that fill me with glee and make me smile, most of these things will fall into the category of things seen, and therefore temporal.

Sometimes I'd rather be at my studio instead of my own home. Because there are more things I love to do there than here at home, like painting. The lighting there, music and the ambience, are all so loungey and chill that it reminds me of my home when it was still new.

Now because I spend so much time away from home that I hardly have time and energy to do anything about it anymore. The music collection is not constantly being added to, the lighting only helps make the place look less dirty, I have run out of beer (though I have Calvin's wine, thank God), I have no desire to cook, and I have no new books to read.

All this affects my mood. I don't feel too good being home sometimes, except when it's sleeping time. I am a stay-at-home person. My private selfish ambition is to be a tai-tai (hah). I always invite my boyfriend to my place. They rather go out but I rather stay in sometimes (this has led to quarrels before). All my friends know I like being at home. But right now, I am temporarily not so keen on that.

I remind myself of the days when I was renting a room, and I was so inclined to lock myself in my messy room and just stay there. I wouldn't even go to the toilet or the kitchen unless I really had to. I barely said 'Hi' to anyone in the house with me, and my friends seldom came by.

If I could, I would spring-clean and re-decorate my house again. I will stock it with fresh flowers, music, books and DVDs. And more beer, of course. The air permeating my house will smell of scents. My modern Peranakan kitchen will be a place for intimate home-made meals.

-it was once like this.

Yet, the point shouldn't be about the house. It is about the fact that I let things that moth and rust destroy, clog my feelings. I need to re-furnish my my treasures-in-heaven collection, and not lay these down again and again.

Back to work.

Blog rubbish!

I used to wonder, what do people like to read on others' weblogs.

I am certain of what people don't like: whining, complaining, stuff that is so intellectual you need a highlighter to read (which you can't because it is a web thing), poser-ish stuff. There may be more but let's leave it at that.

I think, people like to read things they can understand, that is thrilling (like chick-lit, murder novels, orgasmic language), and best of all, if it is funny and entertaining.

They also like stuff that is real, not hyper-generated by forced emotions and personas.

(That bit about chick-lit, I meant it).

So I taught about what I can write. And realised, actually I lead a rather glamourous and interesting life, and with it I carry a complex personality that is so interesting to unravel a bit at a time.

I mean, not that I am trying to be out of point and become all arrogant and la-dee-dah but I think honestly, blog readers want to find out about others' lives (unless they are whiney and complaining, then no).

Today, I got to do the following things:

I restored a sculpture. I arranged sculpture pieces around a gallery, displaying them and directing the display all by myself. The feel of the gallery has to flow for the audience, with a theme, with viewing pleasure, and the pieces have to stay secure on the display shelves.

I also went into a room that wasn't mine, and used a computer that needed a password and user id which, was privy to its owner. I logged in, and copied files into a CD-R, made a phonecall, and left the room with no one around to see me.

In the middle of the day, I had tea with a girlfriend, and did some catching up that I cherish.

That was half of my glamourous day.

Another thing I realise, my writing skills have gone downhill. I have no idea why, but I will have to improve my English. I love writing, please don't judge me by this piece and the recent ones if they were bad.

- there. A true blog piece.

Silence for Jealousy and Decision

Silence - a sign of a trap
It was an involuntary moment
Quickly distracted by trivia

I knew for one breath
In eternity, it was nailed
The decision and the truth
- almost alike, history

Nailed in his heart so
piercing, the abandonment
which he desired and feared

Will there be hope? Yes
But we will be sad for it
With it; it is inevitable

I have no choice, this weight
Is less heavy now, but certain
Almost as certain now,

as the winter
the cleaving
the miracle

the dream -

then again
Maybe I was mistaken:
there was no silence

no decision proper
no regret
no moment of trivia against truth

it was just a natural pause
not a deliberate silence
we weren't in a trap, no

the only trap, is

- abandonment
should just never exist. it is
the worst ever.

Make Made Making

Money - an activity that will last through a large part of my adult life. To borrow a description from one of my favourite chick-lit novels: work is something we will do a large part of our adult life (the best years in fact) , through most of the days in the week (somewhere between 5 to 9 days a week) , through the best hours (daylight, and sometimes night-time when we ought to be happily drinking somewhere).

Music - My piano-ownership fantasy is currently dormant (because my new flat is too small) , so I can't make much music. I have a classical guitar with a capo and I wail in tune to what I play on that, so there, I make music sometimes.
I also make music in art with my buddy H, one of the loveliest aspects of my job. The art I mean.

Something out of nothing -

Love - something that hopefully we all get enough of, it has to be there somewhere, for every human person.

Sense - I will try. Give me time.

Babies - something scary but wonderful all at the same time.

the best out of the Situation - something I hope I can think up, and help others with.

merry - H's hobby, among others.

friends - not very many worth the trouble sometimes, but I will light up when I meet someone who loves the arts and music and literature; these people often energise me. otherwise, the ones I have already made, I love.

trouble - on accident, mostly. I didn't mean it!

love - again, cos we all do and love it

to be continued...

1 - The Object of Cleaving

I always wondered how human beings decided their destiny with regards to marriage.

How would you know that this is the one to marry?

Every single one of my boyfriends, I thought I would marry. It was utter conviction that I would. In the end, I didn't, or haven't. No, it is not because I was being too pushy that they left. But it really is impossible, almost.

It becomes more and more grey as I trudge along. Especially with happily-ever-after married pals talking to you about YOUR happily-ever-after possibilities.

It is an almost impossible decision for me to make.

How can anyone be so sure?

I want to be able to be free to travel in order that I may do my missions, and plant my businesses and churches and ministries. But with a husband+children combination, I have to choose my steps so carefully, at times I am tempted to leave it and trudge alone.

But then, I am so lonely that I will be completely miserable without a soulmate that I am absolutely in love with.

When he materialises, I will know.

I said to Cal, that I'd rather be the guy in the lousy car with someone in the passenger's seat beside him, that be the other guy in the fancy Beemer, alone.

He said, "Me too."

there are times, words will not tell the story, only a painting will. it gets even better than poetry, or music.

Fix You - Cold Play

When you try your best, but you dont succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

When high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Woah...Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
And the tears stream down your face

And I...Oh...Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

And the tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you