C came back.

cannot sleep + medicine = fantasy story writing

"Whatever you do, don't fall for me."

I tell this into his eyes mad with longing fulfilled and again. He has beautiful eyes, ones I can see myself in, eyes that are true and childlike. You barely notice them until you talk to him close up and find his big eyes responding to you. When he speaks, I watch his mouth; he has perfectly odd shaped lips that are poised for a kiss that is made of romance and all things young and sweet, a kiss that tastes of virginity and a foreign heartache. He drives me mad in my race to fall asleep. He is a dream. And while I am real, we get lost in each other, intertwined, arms flailing till we collapse together in psychedelia.

This is madness; it is my loneliness mixed with his purity, my brazenness with his subtlety, our mutual longing for loving friendship in the night.

It is complicated, because I have a young daughter borne from a recent love. She either needs a man of the house to stay in our lives, or just me - permanency. But my friend with the beautiful eyes is a travelling young writer with a promising journalistic career ahead of him. He is smart and brilliant, loving words as much as I do, loving Asia as much as I do, and more. But he is naive, and only the age I was when I gave birth to beloved Esther, who is now eight.

I speak to him everyday and find a lost love in him, one that I should have had, but never did, for all the men I fell in love with before, were already men when I met them, full of hardness and cynicism. They all tell me to trust them, while they proceed to break my heart again, and leave with the need to preserve themselves over love and their lover. But Sam is different, because he tells me instead that he trusts me, that I am already the strong woman I should be. It makes me feel unique, to be trusted in blind faith, to be loved unconditionally, at least for the moment. I feel like I am the only person he wants to be with, instead of having to share him with all the other things in life that fills a man's mind. However regressive this may sound, but it is nice to feel like the only one that is special to someone you care about deeply.

Call him irresponsible, for I know he is going to fall in love with me anyway, and think about the consequences only after. It is hard to not give in to those beautiful eyes. For now, I tell him, "Let's see how we feel, when we wake up in the morning together."

C says he is weak.

E says:

i'm sorry that i seem to be regressing. i just really want to sleep more this week becos i realise i really need the rest for my health. at the expense of other things i now realise. pls dont be upset anymore.

Weak says:

i need help also. i can't care so much

Weak says:

it's affecting me

Weak says:

i'm sorry if it seems selfish

E says:

if u really would like to stop caring about me for awhile then stop caring. i want u to be okay also.

Weak says:

maybe if i'm not around you will be spurred to better yourself

E says:

if u say that then it means u really love me

Weak says:

sorry. i don't have to mental and emotional resources anymore

Weak says:

i'm in self preservation mode

Weak says:

i don't want to become self destructive

Weak says:

it seems everytime i see you i only get stressed and upset and alot of other things... i've come to associate being with you with those emotions. that can't be right

Weak says:

loving another person isn't enough. there has to be the right fit

Weak says:

you need someone who isn't affected and won't try so hard

E says:

if u really feel this way, then do what u think is best. i care about u too.

Weak says:

if you really want to be with me, you'll work at getting better

E says:

ok i will keep working at it

Weak says:

it breaks my heart to look at you in your state

Weak says:

to be in your house

Weak says:

to be around you

Weak says:

it's not that you can't help it

Weak says:

i feel you're not trying.

Weak says:

i feel that i've become your crutch and therefore your downfall

Weak says:

if you were alone or with a less caring boyfriend i think you would have been even better

Weak says:

you would have remained independant

Weak says:

and strong

Weak says:

i am weak now.

Weak says:

my strength is gone. i need to recover

E says:

okay

E says:

i wont press u or anything

Weak says:

yep.

Weak says:

even if i never see you again. i really really hope you can get better

Weak says:

you have so much potential.

E says:

i will try to be the independent and strong girl that u like

Weak says:

just be the elaine that i first met

Weak says:

the one who takes bus to CITI

Weak says:

i don't know what else to say.

Weak says:

we shouldn't be talking right now. i'm not going to be a very good motivator

E says:

i dont care if u are a good motivator or not at this point. thats not why we r talking.

Weak says:

just get better

Weak says:

take care of yourself

Weak says:

be someone i can be proud of. even if it's only if i hear about it from someone else

Weak says:

be someone who will be able to support your parents

Weak says:

be a source of strength

Weak says:

be true to yourself. but also recognise that to do that, you sometimes need to do stuff that makes you feel otherwise. because you are doing it to obtain the mains to achieve your true goal

Weak says:

you don't arrive at the end

Weak says:

you arrive at the start

Weak says:

and walk to the end

Weak says:

remember that

Weak says:

i know i haven't been nice to be with recently. i'm sorry for that. but it's the pain and frustration bubbling over.

Weak says:

and i feel i can't be with you

Weak says:

until all this foaming emotion goes away.... and you get better.... that's even more important...

Weak says:

i just don't feel like you are even putting in effort

Weak says:

and i feel like if i stay. you will not have the motivation to do so

Weak says:

i know this sounds like a load of crock

Weak says:

but i swear it's the truth.

Weak says:

i will try to get on with my own life... you should get on with yours....

Weak says:

if we cross paths again. so be it. i won't be avoiding you

E says:

i dont feel i will get better if u are gone.

Weak says:

well you gotta try

E says:

wat is the use if u are not going to be around anymore.

Weak says:

because you got to live for yoursefl

E says:

u r the only sure thing in my life right now and even that will be gone

Weak says:

don't guilt me

Weak says:

i will not be guilted

E says:

im not

E says:

just telling u how i feel.

Weak says:

it's the problem of the chicken and the egg

E says:

ok ok

Weak says:

you get better you're not a source of pain and drain for me

Weak says:

i know this sounds like i'm fair weather

Weak says:

but i think after 3 years of this. i gotta tell you

Weak says:

i'm scared ok

Weak says:

and it's not like i didn't tough it out

Weak says:

scared for MY future and our future if we had stayed together

Weak says:

endless arguments

Weak says:

divorce

Weak says:

child with 2 homes

Weak says:

no way i'm going to let that happen

Weak says:

sorry. i've reached the end of my tether

Weak says:

anyway... i know you're probably going to see me in the worse possible light.

Weak says:

as someoen who abandoned you in your time of need.

Weak says:

i'm afraid i can't do anything about that... in a sense that's true i guess. but i can for see it will not have ended well anyway... regardless.. i'm not strong enough for your needs.

Weak says:

anyway... enough words.... take care.... make sure you eat.... and keep healthy

E says:

i will go get something to eat soon

Weak says:

good

E says:

i really love u

Weak says:

i feel the same way about you.

Weak says:

it hurts too much

oops

It is hard to read this blog,

I should learn to write better
and happier things
instead of writing about
the ubiquitous pain,
- which is not just mine.
Since I am not
the sole owner
of pain
I hardly have the authority
to keep writing about it.

So- I will write about
nicer things.
Which draws to mind
a blank -

disjointed

I hate small talk and big groups and cordialities and correspondence.
I have an intense need to get lost in electronica.
I am thirsty for a drink and again and again.
beer chocolate music senses night alone -
I feel good.

Why does medicine not make the tears go away.

Lovely food.
Too much of it, I took everything.
Curries with bread, sashimi, duck, soup, noodles, seafood, sushi:
Too full a plate, I didn't know where to start eating.
After a while everything congeals on the plates, blown dry by the air-conditioning,
The sauces mix with the curries,
the sashimi cooks in the neighbouring juices,
the veges feel like food from a camp, mass-broiled.

I passed up a lovely chefs-cooked meal because I took too much.

. . .

I am a scam and a fraud.

The only thing propping my life up right now is C; I am barely functional elsewise. Pieces held together by super-glue when actually I am already broken down.

I am sorry.

I can't do this.

Intellectual voices telling me what to do or not to do like as if I don't already know by heart. Like a piece of flotsam on still water I am listless and worthless. Living really is too tiring for someone like me. Time is ticking and I am just a rusty musical box. I stay awake and pace this empty house and my life is worth nothing.

This is just how I feel these words are not true -

I really, really, just want to rest somewhere quiet for a long time.

-----

As usual I am a wreck again. I spend hundreds of dollars on what is probably just hypochondria and buy very little peace of mind. I feel like I am forcing my inner self to stand up and be strong, like as if I were a well-oiled nicely engineered machine. It is my perception of my destiny, the echoes of the call to be strong for the us in my life.

When really there is no core about my abilities and nothing much to weave about because I am a fraud and a scam.

It is not easy to relieve stress about it because my serotonin levels are being regulated.

I feel like a fraying scratch-post on the inside. I am about to combust messily. I am so fucked up.
It is a bit painful to pick the threads of my insides now, to look at them and tell myself what is wrong and how to fix it. Conversation with myself is very difficult. I just want to be quiet.

I feel sick all the time. At this point my chest hurts and so does my arm. (I wonder what it really feels like when one is about to die.) I feel terrible.

let me tell you about my new job, finally

It started with a freelance project.


So there I was, rehabilitating from my host of stress-related illnesses, depression and anxiety. I had left the stupid NGO, and I was on a mild lookout for another charity-related job.


It had not been easy coming to terms with things. I had made a big leap, changing industries into something more directly humanitarian. Which was what had been beckoning me so much it hurt. So I joined this NGO, working in a capacity which was perfect for me - managing resources through training, equipping workers and volunteers to serve others. It was superb, because there were many ideas, I was good at my job, and most of all, I loved my colleagues to the point they became friends.


But then I realised, it crashed the day I couldn't even get out of bed. That was when I decided I needed to take a break from the job which was a farce, a stunt to my growth, and a cul-de-sac. It was wearing me out, but not in a satisfying 'oh I work so hard' kind of way. It all sounds very clear now when I am relating about it, but at the time, I felt like I was free-floating in the galaxy, lost and pointlessly adrift. Thus began the second worst major depressive episode in my life. It was a major disappointment because I felt like I gave up so much for a promised land purportedly filled with milk and honey but upon arrival, after the la-la-la wore off, it was a barren land with retreating rivers and sinister monsters. Death basically.


But I wanted to be doing humanitarian type of work. Yet I was under-qualified (no speak Thai/Viet etc, no medical or environmental specialist knowledge, no social work degree). I wanted to be involved in a Singapore-based NGO, so I trawled the sites of Habitat for Humanity, World Vision, TOUCH, Mercy Relief, Red Cross etc. Not very many Singapore-based NGOs. Not very many positions. Those that were vacant, I applied, I got rejected. I looked at other avenues. I don't mind working for a local social service agency too, especially those involving management of projects and initiatives. I applied, I got rejected. I could do jobs related to corporate social responsibility in for-profits too, but that usually stems from corporate communications, not my specialist area of training or experience. I am a generalist.


Then one day my friend Simon sends me an instant message over MSN, asking me if I knew any freelance writers to write his company profile, among other things, for his start up business in financial services. I was free, so I did it for him for cheap, and plus since he is my friend, and I have been in the financial industry before, so I took on his assignment for some fun, cash and distraction. I told him that as long as I am free I will write his stuff. This was the freelance project that started things.


Simon loved what I did for him and he asked me to keep writing for him, which over MSN I said I will as long as I could find the time. With that plan in place, I asked him to refer me to his marketing person so I could work with her for the other publishings required, like the newsletter and the website. He asked me if I wanted to be his marketing person, because, well, he didn't have one!


My career plans were clear, I wanted a career in the charity industry. So he asked me to work for him on a contract basis till I found my job. He also needed someone to do HR, I could do that too.


What happened then was a series of events that happened so fast I can't tell for sure which came first.


Before this conversation, I did toy with the idea of bringing corporate volunteerism and cause-related marketing to his company for him. Corporate social responsibility is a win-win situation for the company as well as the beneficiary organisation. It was a fleeting thought.


I was about to say this to him on MSN, in fact I was typing this very thought out. Before I could complete it and hit 'enter', Simon's IM came in first, saying, "Actually I would like to build a socially responsible group too. It is important that we do community projects and trips. You could do that for me too."


In retrospect, I now see very clearly how Marketing, Human Resource Management and Corporate Social Responsibility are closely-knit together. CSR is great for building the company's image, and superb for the nurturing the employees well-being.


Anyway, I told Simon I would be keen, but I was sick. He said it was okay. So, here I am. Helping a friend out, doing work I love and hopefully good at, growing and learning, recovering, and having fun.