Why so

I solved the mystery.

I always wondered why I felt differently about C than I did about many others who once existed.

C is all the right things, and he is evolving into someone better every moment. I am convinced in my mind that he is a good boy and I want this one for sure. God said to me , 'Do you respect my decision?' and I said yes of course, and opened my eyes, to see C asleep next to me in my bed. I felt all the right things in 1 Corinthians about love, that I truly love him not because of any pre-conditions per se, but because he is who he is, and all else is not very important anymore.

In my trembling heart, there was but stillness. This is unfamiliar to me when I am in love. For sure, I am in love with this boy. Mad about him. I am just not as delirious as I thought I ought to be.

Now I know why.

I am happily in love. Not unhappily in love. Not in want, nor in neglect, nor in unsatisfied lust and longing for a soulmate.

All that sadness I carried with me, propelled me to become mad with desire, and drove me to to write as a gift-wrapped release of my unspoken thoughts.

I am happy. At last, I found it. Now, I can start my life anew, and write about this love I have had for a year. Something that I may dare to believe, will last till one of us leaves this earth for heaven to meet with Father God.

Everything that is falling short, madness and love unrequited, is H is sadness is not love. It was a fake, and not my loss. And this lack of delirium, is something I will have to get used to, because suddenly, I no longer want to be mad.