Tuesday, May 22, 2007

talking

I do not think I am much of a talker. There are times, like now, where I hardly feel like saying anything: no desire to update, vent, relate, just like a man in his Martian cave does.

In some ways I am a loner because I have my ultimate defences up, and like someone swimming underwater, I only release words like my breath in slow interrupted streams of bubbles. I make it to the end of the lap without coming above water.

In times like this I might still have energy to write as I do now. It requires less energy, it gives me more privacy, and I do not need to bulldoze my way across. No one will say I am shouting or being rude, and there will be no cutting in by any party of a conversation.

I like conversation. But I miss my old conversation partner and one of my best friends. Steps change, but dreams do not have to. It is one thing to share dreams to inspire someone, it is another share them and be understood.

Monday, May 7, 2007

alone home

So, I am sedentary by nature. I often stone into mid air at night, and I feel sleepy all the time. C hates me for all that when we aren't actually supposed to be sedentary.

Today I wanted to get home and be alone.

I feel that way often, wanting to be home as soon as possible to be alone, at home, truly by myself.

Coming home and if C is here it feels almost alone. The bed is warmer, I have someone to talk gibberish to, and someone with the potential to wash the dishes. But we don't really engage in much interactive activity like heavy talk or lovey-doveyness; pretty much just being next to each other in silence or trivia that only is understandable between him and I. Hence almost-alone. It feels good too.

I like this.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

c at my house

C usually comes over to my place to spend the weekend, and Tuesday nights too. I seldom spend time at his place because:

His room is too messy and dusty and I often fall sick there.
His bed is too small, only a super single.
Logistically I will need to bring more things out to spend the night at his place, as compared to him.
If I spend the weekend there, it will mean I cannot do any laundry that week.
I like to be alone and sometimes he too will rather it be just us two.


So, it means he comes over more often than I go over.

Of late he is beginning to get less whiney about not spending enough time at his own home. He quotes the need to spend time with his family and such sometimes, but less lately. So, I am glad. Although we have no money to get married at least we have some semblance of togetherness. I like to stay at (my own) home and I like being with just him and so this really makes me very loved and happy.