Overtaken





I.





Nice house. -



People always say my house is nice. I am sure some of my friends have nice houses, or posh rooms. All the essential luxuries are there - my folks always say, "I wanna go back to my bed!" Because it really is a comfort that we essentially cannot live without, the bed. Imagine life without it. We have to enjoy our houses, it is a given right.



So, I live in a nice house. I'm blessed. Moth and rust will destroy it one day, but now it is a dwelling place for me.



But really, it is just a house. A clay vessel, a jar of sorts - the kind lab scientists use, or somewhat like a sheath.





II.





I need to reveal that I found out recently this astonishing chunk of knowledge: There is a giant living in my house.



It's a ghostly giant, one that has no form but for the house.



In fact, I also found out - there are giants in my next-door neighbours' houses, and at the office too. Goodness. They have been there, haunting all these houses for quite a while now, mine and my neighbours' - about twenty-five years or so till date.



I suddenly saw them everywhere critical around me. Giant ghosts. Recently, mine spoke to me. When I realised its presence, I saw the rest of them appear from their invisible latent-gaseous state. I now know I am really not alone.



All those voices.





III.





Supernatural giants. I think they all came to these houses in a group, on a mission. Incredible powers, intelligence and wealth, and our houses, they possess. And for a solitary divine purpose, to conquer the world. Sometimes I see them communicating to us with amazing genius-content, who could devise it? Only if, a true spiritual giant in form and incredible function.



My giant is quite the solitary guy, I haven't really got in touch with him. We get along easily, despite being in the same house all the time.



But C's giant, I KNOW he's there. He's just asleep most of the time. Dormant, and quite uncommunicative because what he has to say, it needs time to be articulate in human-speak. As to what are his intentions in his house, I have little idea, but I KNOW it will blow up earth into bits in some way or another.



H's giant, is amazing, though I no longer am easily shocked or perturbed by just amazing. No, wait. Amazing is incomplete in its description. Amazing means sweet, but H's house giant is not sweet. It is mind-blowing, far-out outrageous and therefore, amazing. H's house is often brewing, thanks to his giant. Brewing - breaking down, building, forming substances, causing irreversible chemical reactions.



The office giant, it's the youngest one among the lot. I suspect it is still speaking in babe tongues. Soon, we will hear her talk to us.

Love always perseveres. But I don't. I haven't persevered.



I can be unfaithful without another man entering the picture. All I need: double-mindedness. Wondering what my faith is, where it lies, whose voice is louder - swinging about the in-betweens.



God says, you need someone who can hold you blah blah blaah but most importantly:



Someone you love.



[And love always perseveres].





I have no capacity to love. I am not a true-blue love fan. I do not relish it. I only know what it's like to feel good in someone's presence. I also only know what it's like to not want him to fall for anyone else again. But all this knowledge is not love, but pure suffocation. Starve anything long enough, it will die.

I feel like I'm on the same string I met in Dilemma. One covered in glue and glass powder. Instead of pulling it between my fingers and mine, I am standing on it, gripping it with my toes alone. But I stay afloat because God is holding me. The illusion of being a great sturdy ground, this air that baptises me.

Kate Atkinson says in her novel Case Histories:



'He was afraid that if it ever began to heal she would disappear.'



Theo's beloved daughter died ten years ago, and he's still pining.

[Avoided Showdown:+]





I asked her,

" When you are alone, who do you truly want to be with?"



I know it won't be me -



I didn't wait around to hear the answer screaming inside her lungs, hesitating to be heard, lest more lives were lost, or more love died.



I discerned from her aura, among whom were the ones the answer would be chosen.



She didn't want to realise her own answer.



But we couldn't blame anybody for that. If anyone were to blame, me. I came too soon, too quickly, and twenty-five years much too late.



It was as if I was a lone-traveller, and had arrived at that ancient civilisation after they had taken off or been captured by aliens or whatever.



The only person I could blame was me!



Why are we bound to give away ourselves so much to another? Sometimes we get us back, but in her case, reckon she never really did.



All there, yet not at all really.



How do I get her back?



How would she get him back?-



There are more important things than this. But I know, that with her, I will get on with those things with much more strength at hand, and I know she will inspire me beyond myself.



I refuse to know if, she will get on with those more important things better with him or with me. I will try my best, and I will become good enough. We will fit together rather well.



But I will never be the original one. Just a replacement.



-Restart-



Don't answer my question, girl. I love you.

There is nothing on TV to watch.



Tonight, I'm home alone. My housemate Jan is in Mumbai! Say 'Bollywood' and I think of Saif Ali Khan. He is so cute, he is the Indian version of Josh Hartnett. Okay, so tonight I am alone. Which I enjoy but it makes for less chatty activity. We have kept the Christmas tree, I have done most housework that's due, I have done the necessary online administration, and I have watered my neglected plant.



So, there's nothing to watch on TV. I was watching Japanese anime, but because I was here, I didn't manage to read a single line.



I haven't any new books to read, because I've just finished Linn Ullmann's Stella Descending. Which was good but that makes me hunger for more literature to read.



Exactly what do I want to do? I don't want to tell myself I am bored, like I am here. I am doing so as an intermission, that I may return to what I would like to do, that is write how I feel about one of my best friends, about how I feel about love, about how I feel that I have all yet have little. Same old. Will be back.