for benji

okay I will tell you

I haven't been writing much here, not because I have nothing to say, nor because I lack the time to - I have plenty, but because:


Rigor mortis.


I freeze up, and maybe, I really am dying as much as I am still alive. Tonight I lay in bed, having had past nights of insomnia and waking when I am still tired, and suddenly, really, even my body freezes up. My heart crumples into frozen folds, thumping so hard, I have to get up. There are no ghosts. I am no longer a workaholic in action, but everything freaking stresses me so, even the simplest of decisions incapacitate me! I was just thinking about tomorrow and what I had to do, and my body froze in counterfeited anxiety's place.


I cannot cry, because I no longer feel safe, because I am frozen to remain silent, for and against my sparring will and heart. No, I haven't told myself that I am safe, for I fear my tears will incapacitate me even more.


I know there is something wrong with me physiologically, but I cannot tell anyone. I would love to tell my doctor what is wrong, and I know he will help me (perhaps Xanax, which I know will help), but I don't want to cry, as I have in the face of every revelation about me.


My heart is beating fast, my hands are cold, I feel warm, I am shivering. All I did, was ponder a simple decision. No one will accept me any longer for my weakness.


Frozen: words, friendships, days. They no longer work on my end. Friends take bravado out of me for a hello in return. And I cannot cry.

please don't look for me

Soon, I will say.

silence

Sometimes it's hard to explain things to people because they have a whole ocean in a spout of expectations about you and their relationship with you. If you bring them closer to you the sky will rain fish.


Daytimes are barren, and full of empty promises. I am still here, nothing.


I could tell you trivia instead, to shadow myself. But even trivia is so hard.

I knew for a long while now, that I cannot write fiction. I tried that as a kid, on my parents' office computers and typewriters. My stories were boring, grammar passable, sentence structure too overly short-factual. I tried as a teen; I couldn't write anything that wasn't a personal experience, nor anything overly detailed in recounting.


I discover I can only write reflective essays and such, which is boring, and does not count for much writing. There is nothing to write about, if I have nothing going on in me.

I'm afraid that if I fall asleep, tomorrow might come.

twitter

Join and add me!

slinky

I could watch the cat sleep for a long time.


Paws and face tucked underneath herself, not even a straying nearby sound stirs her.


I sit and watch. Somehow life seems fine.

My house is like a war zone, and so my heart.

I look at book - words don't register
I pray, my mind is noise - God I can't hear you
Sedated - I cannot sleep, I fear it
My heart thuds - counsel slips past me
I weep, or try to - there are no more tears, ever.
I will try again now

I am home.


The world is like a war out there.


Went to the supermarket earlier at lunchtime, stocked up on foods that could save me the strain of going out of the house to eat, on the pretext of buying food that will last in case of emergencies. In honesty, I really no longer want to go out of the house if I could.

I really wish tomorrow wouldn't come. Really wish.

prayer

I am an emotional wreckage -


I prayed; to alleviate my sense- and worthlessness.


What I got as disguised relief instead were these thoughts reeling through my mind: the ten commandments -yes, I know, perhaps a little passe. Reciting them through my mind, I got to the eighth one I could remember and I felt, shit, I already committed so many wrongs I needn't have to go up to nine and ten. I am so screwed. I couldn't remember them properly anyway. Then God says, 'See, I saved you. I saved you! From these sins. The price for these mistakes was on me on the cross.'


It did little to help my feelings of loss and helplessness, I thought I needed a vision of re-direction, something specific, to uplift my dread and help me sleep at last. Nope. But I was thankful the importance of my salvation came back to me, this whole point of being a Christian. Then, a few moments later it all fizzled out of me, these thoughts.


Lying on my bed beside C while conversing all these thoughts in my mind with God, silence, and sleep eluded me. Lorazepam had yet to kick in, only half a tab anyway. I got up quietly, guilty for probably stirring C in his sleep, and turn on my computer monitor. Nothing I read online gave me relief. I clicked on Bloglines, and chose to read my feeds from Bible Gateway. This is what I got:


“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”


Now I know why He talked again about Him saving me. Joy of life its very self and salvation from my shame, that precedes everything else. Including motivation and willingness for living passionately, including sustenance for living. If you don't know how much worth your life is, such that someone had to die for you, then how can you have a desire for life and the strength to go through it?


I am so thin from nothingness, like a chewing gum pulled from cement floor by a dirty shoe. I cannot say I need willingness and sustenance, I do not need anything. But my very soul will die for it. I cannot deny it further, it has happened, I now realise tonight, that I am falling apart, and I have no one who knows why, not even myself. How far apart?


I have no answer for you, because I do not even know so myself.


Three hours left to waking, I wish tomorrow never comes. I said that aloud earlier tonight, and C said, 'Don't say that, it has double meaning you know.'


Make me willing, and sustain me. But first, restore to me the joy of your salvation.

warcraft

For a half hour I listen to C tell me stories. Fiction, of course. (It is a pleasure listening to him, he knows so much).


Oh, and what about. He tells me the whole Warcraft story. About how the human paladin prince Arthus turns to the da-ark si-ide when he sought to attain Frostmourne (a nice sword) to defeat the Burning Legion. Et cetera. It is all a lovely story really, but I am not the best to re-tell it.


So anyway now in World of Warcraft, the Burning Legion has retreated to restricted parts of Azeroth, and the Alliance and Horde factions, after previously working together to defeat the Burning Legion, are now enemies due to racial differences. And boy do I hate the Alliance (spoken like a true Horde, as C would quip bemused) but I shall not go further on that point.


Anyway, Averlorn is a troll and trolls are lovely. (Will update with a screenshot of Averlorn when I soonest can). Aboriginal in nature, the night elves of the Alliance evolved from the trolls, hence the similar pointy ears. Trolls live in secluded off-road settlements, usually coastal. And they love percussion and dance. Within the trolls, there was much infighting, and many clans emerged. The players in the game are all Darkspear trolls, but there also are evil clans such as Witherbark, Bloodscalp, and the Zulian. Trolls were primarily axe-throwers (how primitive!) but under the leadership of Thrall, the orcish warchief who led the orcs back towards shamanistic instead of demonic magic, trolls can also now be magic-casters.


How did C know all this? Warcraft 1, 2, 3, plus the Frozen Throne, and now World of Warcraft, and soon, the Burning Crusade (chronological order of the Warcraft legends), he plays them all and from a long time ago.


The whole story sounded like LOTR and similar.

corporate dressing for ladies

This is completely out of topic of the usual.


I enjoyed dressing corporate, as I did before. A suited female with the right details never fails to turn my eye. Having said that, there are some details one must note to be well- and professionally-dressed for the Shenton Ways of Singapore.

1. Please don't wear slip-on mules with suits. You are not a clerk. Anything in a suit should come with strapped in heels or pumps.
2. Please don't let down your long hair, lovely or not. Long hair should remain up, not down, unless you are going for the helpless female routine.
3. Please wear some makeup - unless you are in Shop and Save as the customer from upstairs buying things (me, for example).
   
4. Please wear fitted jackets, not robes that are a size too big. Button when walking or standing only, not when seated.
5. A shirt and skirt or pant combi is not a suit, it is dress-down for casual environments or weekend work.

Introspection is just another clever way of designing nice words and sentences to solve problems.

letter about being ill

Dear friends,


Last week, I was feeling feverish and having chills, and was extremely tired to the point of incoherence. And had gastric pains, till today, on and off.

Today I am officially haze-bugged. Had five minutes of lunch-buying and now I am very very ill: cannot breathe properly, chest hurts, headache. Panadol-ed and Ventolin-ed. Still ill. Is the haze better at night? I ponder about dinner-buying later. Would love to rest now but I am too unable to breathe properly to rest, nor do anything else save tell my world that I might die.

Award winning (Gold Medal) Myanmar Beer. Our friend there said it's good but we didn't get to try it nor buy it.


There were also other foodie-goodies: Huge mooncakes, beef floss, Indian fried rice. Yum.

What's your theological worldview?

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 75% Emergent/Postmodern 68% Neo orthodox 64% Charismatic/Pentecostal 64% Classical Liberal 46% Reformed Evangelical 46% Fundamentalist 39% Modern Liberal 32% Roman Catholic 4% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

dis·pos·sess (d?s'p?-z?s')
tr.v., -sessed, -sess·ing, -sess·es.

To deprive (another) of the possession or occupancy of something, such as real property.

min ga la ba

We step out of the airport safe, and a transit van is about to ferry us to our hotel. At first sight, Yangon seems indifferent. There are no colours, no smells, and no noises. It is not entirely peaceful, but rather disquieting, and at first I could not place my finger on why, or what was this sense of indifference about. They say you know the people through their culture and their passion, but there was hardly much culture nor passion about. Passion overflows through beaming smiles and gay colours that no artist-photographer could refuse. I hardly took very many photographs, nor had I the urge to. The distinctive traits of the Burmese - the applied patches of tanaka cosmetic on their faces, and their sarongs and long skirts - were all that I could say were truly not indifferent. Afterwards, in days to come, we saw much more that cleared a bit of this uneasy quiet about me.









We found out why, in our own ways, later, why the suppressed laughter and semi-smiles. Freedom is not a given in every place of this world, and if we faced oppression after a long many decades, faith wanes in more ways than one. One feels stagnant without growth, and then we all decline soon after. Hence the brain drain, net building dilapidation, and the heavy sense that nothing is possible even if you try. There are many secrets hushed save behind closed doors, even then it is oppressed faith that comes about half-aloud, not like the way we are supposed to be, shouting to mountains and demons alike. We do take freedom for granted if we have it, and our Singaporean oppression is nothing.


I had a vision of the city as if being a hard core of igneous rock being buried by much time and sedimentary layers. Some mountains are formed this way - through patient erosion of the soil, the final release of pressure from the removal of the sediments causes the pressure within the core igneous rock to suddenly expand. That was the Yangon I saw. Decades of pressure into seeming indifference, but erosion will occur, and that will cause the majesty of a solid mountain to arise and revive the silent land.


The Christians in Yangon that we met were educated and intellectual. They became good friends soon after we met, as they served us and escorted us while smiling and opening their hearts and homes. Their faith was small, but they still did serve the community, and their work was impactful. After they met us, on the last day of our stay there, they decided that they shall also do the same as we did, to send a mission team out of their city. Their pastor said they were sleeping Christians, not daring to do much. She was convicted, and spoke to the church that they shall go into the interior of northern Myanmar away from the capital, to serve the people there too, instead of just giving money, which they easily had as city folk. For years they never did much save for a slum nearby, and now they were inspired for greater things despite the pressures they faced. Here in Singapore, we give so little save to feel better for ourselves, and do even less.










When we first prayed for the ministry in the slum, I cried. They were not slum-dwellers by choice, but were forced to move out of their forest homes, into legalised slum dwellings on rent, which were made of bamboo walls and zinc roofs for some, thatched roofs and canvas shades for others. The forests were due for development it seemed. The slum land was not arable land. The people, mostly Indian, were really homeless in actuality. "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." I felt their forced homelessness, and I wept before I went to see them. There is only one goverment hospital in a very huge area of organised dwellings. The inner streets were unpaved, and were wet with potholes, a pain during the rainy season. The Yangon folks had come to this slum some years ago, set up a place of worship for the believers there, and also a free clinic, where volunteer doctors would come to minister through medical care twice a week. They set up a school for kids, preschool and above. Many kids are street bound otherwise. There is a loneliness and resignation on many faces. Life was survival, and sickness abounded.


But those who met God had a different countenance, and we witnessed the change in some when they decided to put their defenses away to seek a God who loved them. Worry changed to peace, and fear into courage. Spiritual causes are noble, but life is the one thing worth rejoicing for.










Besides praying for them and ministering to them the word of God, we also did things for the many kids that spent their time in that home. We played games, we sang many songs with them, showed them a movie, and they beamed. I led the team in conducting an art class, and they were happy too. We gave the church workers crayons and paper to work with the kids on their own after we left, now that they knew what they could do, as well as writing materials to each child. The kids are very well-disciplined, and the church workers who lead the children's school are very admirable in their leadership. They love all the kids despite their dirty hair, torn clothes and distended bellies, no one treated more fairly than the other.


The feeling of indifference eased on me, and love descended. I miss Myanmar already.

I'm back

Was home on Monday night, but still in physical rest state - sleepy most of the time, or sleeping. More soon.

Thursday morning I leave for Myanmar.


a place completely cut off of mobile telecommunications
(no auto-roam)

will be busy before I go, so no WoW.

will obviously not be able to play while I am there.


I promise, I will write loads, and post them here when I come back. I will be back.

(very soon, Monday night I will return)

indications that one has become a WoW player (and no longer just trying it out)

1. You think in WoW speak.
2. You talk in WoW speak.
   
3. You dream of the game, of your guild mates and online friends.
   
4. You start to think, "I would rather be in the Barrens" or similar.
5. You feel that time at work means time not playing WoW.
6. Whatever you do, you would rather be playing WoW.
7. You initiate conversations about WoW.
8. You wish your friends played WoW so you could initiate conversations about it.

abyss

Guilt.

Extremely distracted.

Telling self not to be worried.

Six weeks have passed.

elaine

Must go out with Kelvin and Daphne to Phuture again soon.

Must find 6 more qualified instructors by end of this week.

Is recovering from a sore throat, eating and purchasing loads of Danzen.

Is happy to be going to Myanmar! Just bought a Burmese guide book for languages and a map of the country.

update on project: trying to gain bf rep(utation)

Have you been hanging in the air, waiting for me to respond to something in an elaine-way, anything, anything at all? Nah. Pardon me for being an ego-maniac.


Taking on playing WoW has consumed my rest time and thus my writing and online chat time. Much of the time I spend on a computer during my non-work hours, are on the other PC. Hence the ignored IMs and the lack of blogging or reading online.


I am not as fanatic as C, I maintain. Today before the timer set on our server's maintenance, he was Warlord Karale. (Never mind if you don't play and you don't understand.)


But these I do:


I eat my meals at the computer sometimes.

I dream of WoW, as I do any game I play for long. Even Scrabble or Literati.

I no longer get bored.

I play even when I am ill, albeit I rest eventually, I am not that madly mad.

I talk to C about the game; previously he talked to me about the game and I just absorbed the theoretical information I was gaining.

I wish they didn't have to shut down the server for maintenance on a night both C and I are sick and we are in our own respective homes instead of being ritually together on a Tuesday night.

I learn and use a ton of even more acronyms and such that compose the dictionary of gamers than I already did being a gamer's girlfriend.

C and I have lesser tension between us because he no longer feels guilty for coming over and just playing on his laptop, we play together on different computers and still get to spend time together, somewhat. Previously he would get angry and guilty if I asked him to do other things with me. We all know guilty men make angry men and thus upset girls, so this is a great boon to our relationship.

Playing together with C over the last weekend at my house gave us the 'holiday' feeling, and we need not even have to step into horrible town areas to do stupid things like squeeze with people in lifts to get to the cinema. If we keep this up, it means we get the 'holiday' weekend feeling more often and we will no longer feel as stressed and un-recharged for work.

I have some neutral understanding but am still bewildered by how much people can play and how little they can sleep and yet still function like normal adults.


Let's see how it goes.

recruitment of art instructors

We need to hire art instructors for upcoming projects with Splashwurks. Please spread this word if you come across this post.

Splashwurks is an art education company that does visual art programmes for schools, ranging across mediums such as tempera and acrylic painting, ceramics, and digital art. Splashwurks instructors are an excited bunch of people who are passionate about art, about learning, and about serving.

The position is freelance, and projects usually last for weeks at a time; for example use the schools' whole of term 4 as a gauge. Payment is on a freelance basis, email me to find out more about how much.

We are looking for people with:

1. Background in art or design, trained or self-taught. The more artistic mediums you are familiar with, the more projects you will be able to take on.
2. Experience in teaching / training / leadership is critical. Good spoken English required.
   
3. Attitude. This is critical, regardless of your skill level or experience. We are looking for people who are passionate, who desire to learn, are humble, and never mind if you are a bit mad.
   
4. Availability, to take on freelance projects, each one to completion. You are likely a tertiary student or a freelancer who can afford timeslots in your work week to fit in projects that occur over periods of a few weeks or months.
   

If you are keen or you know someone of calibre who will fit the bill, please email me and I will be glad to speak with you.

Closing date: Friday 8 September.

medical appointment today

Today I am going for my scope to check out if my gastric problems are due to ulcers, cancer, or bacteria. I will be at TTSH at 4pm.


I am not allowed to eat or drink after 7am, and it is past that time now.


I was hoping to not wake up till I had to go to the hospital but instead I awoke early.


I'm afraid it might be sufferable today because I will not be able to eat and therefore my gastric pains will be present alongside the typical gastric headache. I took a painkiller at 4am to pre-empt the pain but it might wear off, I have a headache now anyway.


I already feel like breaking my fast and having a chamomile tea for the headache. It is only half an hour past 7...

All TIME 100 novels

Out of which I have read:

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
C.S. Lewis

The Lord of the Rings
J.R.R. Tolkien

On the Road
Jack Kerouac



I have only half-read, the following, shallow that I be:

Animal Farm
George Orwell

Gone With the Wind
Margaret Mitchell

Infinite Jest
David Foster Wallace

Invisible Man
Ralph Ellison

To Kill a Mockingbird
Harper Lee




I might probably read:

The Catcher in the Rye
J.D. Salinger

Midnight's Children
Salman Rushdie

Mrs. Dalloway
Virginia Woolf



Books I think should be in this list:

Shantaram
Gregory David Roberts

The Black Album
Hanif Kureishi



Books I know someone will say should be in this list:

The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Milan Kundera

The World According To Garp
John Irving

And...

I wouldn't know what books you think should be here unless you tell me too.

I am a heroine

Eugene said I have the spirit of a heroine.


Despite him claiming before this bestowing of honour, that he wasn't very good with words and in speaking them to encourage someone else. Hearing him claim so, I even said, 'You must be the silent strong type.'


But he said in his prayer that I have a gift; that I have a heroine spirit, a mind and heart that feels for everybody and feels responsible for everyone. That is probably why shitty behaviour irks me so, why I feel angry at injustice, why I like to speak out angrily for justice. This is a wondrous explanation for my anger; I feel big- and light-headed.


He prayed that my gift will not also become my burden and weakness: I have said before that I get so angry only if I care, that conflict arises everytime only because I care about something, and I know not how to manage these conflicts, save to step away, and not care. I care about everything!


Like even about a lack of clarity in communication as a leader - broken English, or incomplete communication, for example. You can't be a good leader if you cannot first and foremost communicate clearly, your message has a direct influence on everyone around me. I hate lousy leadership, not because I can do it better, but because you are directly responsible for the people I care about. Just thinking about these examples of my anger makes me angry - my heart is pounding -


I will probably go kill some monsters, mark a paper or something.


If I do indeed have the heart of a heroine, then I pray that I discover my gift and how I can become one. As it is, I have enough food in the house to last for about a week or so if war breaks out - hey, it's possible right? I heard three monster fighter planes over my house a few days ago, so loud I thought I was war. And maybe I need to buy some face masks, and some Tamiflu, in case I need to become a mini-dispensary in a pandemic. And maybe learn some more languages for use in overseas missions, such as Burmese - communication is everything ain't it. I want to be someone who speaks to inspire and convict the human heart of many things far more important than ourselves.


Anyone needs saving?

lately

I haven't really been around because, I decided to try and score boyfriend rep (reputation) by playing WoW (World of Warcraft). Yes I am sheepish.


If you play, my char is Averlorn, on Shadowmoon, Horde.


I hardly feel I could become as fanatic as C, he is standing 4 on his server's PvP rankings. And although it is probably sacrilege to say so, it is only a game to me, so no I will not become someone who takes leave to play on the battlegrounds.


But I have been taking away time from writing to play the game these few days, so here I am with an explanation, however illegitimate it may be a reason. I promise I will still be around, and back for more.


My week in real life: I will be busy with the usual work, and this Saturday I will be going out to Loof again for Irwin's birthday. I have been watching anime with C in between his games, lately we have been mad about Shakugan no Shana. It is really good, almost better than Bleach I must say, with more intricate serious emo moments too.


A couple of thanks I have to say: Thanks DW for quoting me on Amongst Other Things, Sibeh Sian for saying I had a nice ponytail. I feel so loved!

at loof

article on insurers

This CNA article seems like such an opinion skewed in the favour of NTUC Income.


NTUC Income has always been known for many years to be slow in processing medical claims. The article angles the problem in such a way that it seems like this problem has only been existent lately.

"The delay in handling claims on our side is partly due to the fact that we are introducing a new computer system and that is not up and running yet. (Secondly), it's due to the integration of claims handling with the Health Ministry. By October, we expect to be able to process our claims within 7 days, when the system is up to speed," said Stanley Jeremiah, GM (Life) at NTUC Income.

I think a new computer system should not have to take years for an organisation to accomodate. This is not a valid answer, unless we are talking about a recent spike in inefficiency. The main problem then should be, as claimed, the problem of integration of claims with the Health Ministry, which obviously makes things more troublesome, less straightforward. If you are affiliated to the government, of course you will have more problems: government agencies are inefficient, that is well-known and true.


But that is no excuse either. When talking about medical claims, the key is not about the Letter of Guarantee that NTUC boasts of giving, it is about service. And in this case, service to people who are in distress. When you are in the midst of dealing with ill health, perhaps on the brink of dying, or dealing with it as a family for a loved one, the last thing you would be capacitated to handle, is unnecessary stress coming from incompetent insurers. If the service was good, letter or no, then why are there still so many people out there complaining about NTUC being a shit-load of claims-inefficiency, and so many regrets having bought from them in the first place?

The effect of regrets is another layer of stress: cognitive dissonance, they say. Some of my ex-clients have told me, that they thought the government agency should be the most reliable. Of course now they know they have been naive, but that does not help the feeling that they have put money into a policy which gives you shit, when there are better insurers out there.


The way NTUC has expressed themselves, seems to tell me that as long as I have props to give some semblance of efficiency, this means service. But that is bullshit. Service is about people. It is about finding a need and meeting it. It is about being passionate about people. I would never dare offer myself to be served by a cold organisation that talks about props and compares their props with other companies, my toys are bigger than yours. It is like having the doctor with the better certs but with terrible bedside manners.


Well now you know, my humble regrets if you are under NTUC Income. Prove me otherwise if you have experienced contrary, remarkable service, because I haven't yet heard any accounts of that. And if you haven't yet found someone to pay your medical bills, then you should, and caveat emptor.


Insurance is a tricky matter and no one insurer has all the best policies under one roof. My medical insurance is offered by Manulife (unfortunately not one of the top three in processing claims). But it is the only medical insurance policy that pays all your medical bills, not just a portion (co-insurance and deductible). That is a big deal to me; I probably will not be able to afford even a portion of a serious medical expense. Plus I have worldwide emergency evacuation, which is important for me, since I might be in the mountains or jungles of Thailand or some Asian country. So different people have different needs, this is mine and I have chosen Manucare.


Back to the CNA article: I think that the article is more a publicity stunt pulled on behalf of NTUC and it is a disappointment to see CNA doing this, the press is so slight and dense and I thought switching from Straits Times to CNA years ago would give me more balanced opinions and factual news, but no. Talk about validity. I feel like I am entering a Truman's world.

cheeks, specs and ponytail

Sibeh Sian likes girls who have chubby cheeks, are bespectacled and have a swishing pony tail:









Chubby means fat-face.











My specs, which I still wear when I cannot see so well or when I need to look important.










I used to have a swishing ponytail. I firmly believe all girls with long hair should tie them up to unless you are going for the help-me-I-am-a-girl look. In that case, I will succumb and help you, every alpha loves a damsel in distress.

management

I finally went and joined the Personal MBA site so I can participate in discussions. I hate to come across as sounding elite but it has become so critical that I can find someone to bounce management thoughts off through writing, and I am so cooped up with them thoughts now that I might explode if I didn't do something about it.


I find that I learn best through writing. Not reading, listening, doing, or talking. This revelation of my learning style is my application of what I have learnt from reading Drucker, about knowing how you learn. I get things done through writing them out. They may come out in a mess at first, and I have to bear with it, but in the end I do come out with something meaningful, at least I believe so. I think this knowledge of how I learn also resonates with how I think: in words, arranged into sentences and phrases, and in bullet points. I think I am a monster; who thinks like that?


While I am in the process of writing out a plan or a task of a system, my mind is in confusion, like it is now. I just hope writing what I just did here, helps, and so will sites like the one I have joined.

conflict

8/14/2006 2:59:45 AM


I am a horrible person. I think about the filth that I have in hand, and I feel disgusted by it. No matter how hard we try, we all invariably get filth on our hands, and that is the stain of being human. All man have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.


I find my ways of conflict management varied and largely flawed. Swinging between extremes: at times, I absolve myself from caring about things too much, just so that my opinion will not exist and will not get in the way. I stay low, and detach. I avoid tricky situations. It helps, until I start to care about me, you or anyone else. That is when I feel when no one gets my point and I move into the umbral darkness of my anger. I feel slighted and short-changed as all angry people do, and I hardly accept anything incoming.


This is the critical problem with my conflict management: I fear conflict so much I hardly know how to handle it when it happens. It explodes in my face, and all I can think of is that I have tried so hard to make you happy / keep the peace / do the right things (and avoid the wrong ones), and I don't deserve this. I hate to rant, but at the point where conflict occurs, all I can hear is my own voice in my head saying 'Why doesn't anyone get what I am saying?' and true enough, no one really does. No one. And so I repeat myself a million times till someone, the same someone or another or another, gets what I am saying and says, yeah. Until then I am alone, and nobody understands my point of view.


But there isn't always a someone who will hear me out and say yeah, and I fear that I am poisoning minds with my negativity, so in many things I don't rant. In many fields in my life I am alone, I have no yeah-people in those fields.


I haven't gotten a solution. If I don't care, I won't be angry. But if I care, I will not listen if you disagree after I have tried my best. Where is the balance?


(I will have to figure it out soon.)

my death

Time has passed, work has come, and so has illness.


I think a lot about death. I wonder if every conversation-ending sentence I say to someone I love - my parents, C - will be the last one before I go. I rest assured when it is a 'take care' or an 'I love you' before goodbye.


I think so often about my dying, as is my natural instinct to think about possible worst-case scenarios, and visualise myself overcoming them. I often practise clenching my fists for a fight, if I were to be attacked, while I am walking down the street at night. It has never happened, but I visualise the process of me fighting someone, just so that if it really happens, it will be deja vu instead of shock. I think about me living in horrible conditions, and simultaneously thank God for simple things like the toilet bowl I have now, instead of an open latrine or toilet-with-a-hole-in-the-ground. But I would be able to brace myself to use them, as I have before, and I visualise myself in such surroundings, with my Chaco sandals and all that from my inevitable urbane upbringing, and suddenly it doesn't seem as bad, really. As what my psychologist friends would say, visualisation helps. So I also think about dying.


I wonder it is really time for me to go, and analyse the evidence, for example the things I have done and what I will leave behind in terms of a legacy. But we know we cannot second-guess these things, people always go too soon. I think about how I will go, maybe on an operating table where doctors are trying to fix my bleeding ulcer.


That is too gory, but yeah I have had flashes of those thoughts.


My stomach has been hurting more, with more than my usual symptoms of a gastric problem. I usually get gastric pains and headaches, the worst of the pain goes away with Tramadol and panadol and at one point, Arcoxia. Lately I have been getting stomach cramps and diarrhoea, bloatedness, and acid reflux. It could be a million things - bacteria, ulcers, cancer - and I am going to get a scope to find out which of these three. I just hope I have enough money for all that.


It scares me further when I think about my insurance: gastric problems are excluded from one of my medical plans because I bought it after I had exhibited symptoms, in 2003, just one of the worse years of my life. All I have that covers me properly is Medishield, and I hope it has not lapsed because I have so little in my CPF. Being poor sucks.

twin kittens

Aiyo these lynx kitten twins are so cute! Read the whole article on them here.

which sportscar are you?

I'm a Dodge Viper!

You're all about raw power. You're tough, you're loud, and you don't take crap from anyone. Leave finesse to the other cars, the ones eating your dust.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

join bookmooch!

Thanks Billy!

This is a site where you can exchange books with other people (permanently) without having to pay for anything except postage. Books that you offer to give away, and actually do, gives you points which you can use to ask for books from other readers to be sent to you. This means almost-free books! This is great for people like me, who will probably never make it to the flea market / second-hand bookstore to get rid of the books I no longer want to horde.


I managed to put up only eight books. These are books which I think are not worth hording to future reads, nor flaunting to show that I am well-read. These amount to eight books, at present not enough to gain any books till someone actually requests to mooch any of mine.


Go scour your bookshelf and join now!

wah... there is no such man lor

I got myself indirectly influenced by reader Joseph who did this personality and compatibility test, don't try it if you have no time to waste, (I didn't but I didn't know it was that tedious) but it was fun despite. I know now what the man that does not exist, looks like. I tried to put the juicy stuff only, and weeded out the rest, but it is so lengthy: practise skimming.


elaine's Compatibility Profile® Summary
Some of your ideal mate's strongest personality characteristics are:

He likes it when he can do something the right way the first time.
When necessary, he can take charge and organize others.
He likes to keep abreast of what's happening in the world.
He sometimes likes to get out and try new things.
Some important qualities that your ideal partner brings to the relationship are:
He always tries his best to avoid being irritable, even when he isn't feeling his best.
He is always a generous and supportive friend.
He has an appreciation for life's amusing moments, even when they are sometimes at his own expense!
He generally feels that he has a lot to offer the right person.
Important goals and values for your ideal mate in a relationship are:
He needs to be able to share his spiritual beliefs with his partner.
Having a strong relationship with God is a key part of his life.
Personal values are important to him.
He believes in spending some of his time working to make the world a better place.

Social orientation

Vitality and Security:
He believes in working hard to provide stability and security for a family. You can count on him for the important things in life, like kindness, honesty and reliability. He shares a strong belief that financial security is important but doesn't focus on that goal to the exclusion of all else. He values creating a safe, secure relationship and has a good understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.

Kindness:
Your ideal mate is the kind of person who wants to support you through life's ups and downs. He will be willing to be there for you emotionally, but he may not always know the best way how. You don't need the perfect man, but you will do best with someone who tries to be sensitive to your feelings, even if he isn't always perfectly attuned to your needs.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Character:
Your ideal mate is probably a bit of a loner. He is probably focused on his own life, and doesn't let other people's misfortunes get him down. Friends might describe him as someone who has bigger things on his mind than helping the homeless or donating to charity. He will appreciate that you are your own person and don't expect him to solve your problems. Your relationship will be based more on mutual respect than a need for emotional support.

Autonomy:
You will be best matched with someone who is interested to know all the important things about your past, but is equally if not more interested in experiencing the present and building a future together. You are most compatible with someone who believes that communication is vital in creating a healthy relationship.

Communication:
Your ideal companion is a man who is good at both expressing his thoughts and feelings and listening to others. He's generally patient and accepting of what people say. Friends and family may describe him as the kind of person who sometimes needs a reminder to avoid talking over someone in a conversation or to realize that not everyone in the room necessarily agrees with what he is saying. However, his heart is always in the right place.

Conflict Resolution:
You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who understands that not all conflicts can be resolved easily, and that sometimes it's important to stand up for what you believe. He's the kind of person who thinks resolving conflict is important, but making peace isn't worth sacrificing his beliefs. If he thinks he's right, he will probably argue his position, even if it means a disagreement is going to get more heated before it gets resolved.


Extraversion
The Extraversion scale assesses how you feel when you are around people.

Humor:
He is generally able to find something funny in everyday sights, like uptight waiters or rebellious teenagers. He likes to be entertained with humor, such as pithy observations about passersby, jokes or even unintended puns. He's the kind of person who enjoys being around funny people, either because they ignite his own ability to make people laugh, or just because they keep him smiling about life. His friends see him as someone who has a good sense of humor but who also has a serious side when dealing with important issues.

Emotional Energy:
You'll be happiest with a man who's happy with his life, but nonetheless has the occasional urge to shake things up. He appreciates routine in his everyday activities but likes to strike out and do something new and adventurous every now and then. He's happy planning a quiet weekend at home, but might also throw the schedule out the window if friends invite him on a new adventure, like a hiking expedition or a visit to a new jazz bar.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Adaptability:
Your ideal mate likes to sometimes find new ways to deal with old challenges. He can think up creative solutions to a problem but doesn't discount the tried-and-true answers. You are likely to find it frustrating to deal with someone who can never seem to do something the same way twice, but you also chafe at people who can't accept new approaches to problems when the old solutions have stopped working.

Romantic Passion:
Your ideal mate is a man who likes to focus on the things that he thinks are really important in a relationship, such as having the same values or achieving shared goals. He will enjoy spending quality time together, but "overly romantic" is probably not a good description for him. Friends might describe him as the kind of person who thinks anniversaries and Valentine's Day are somewhat silly.

Dominance:
You are best suited to someone who doesn't take competition to extremes. He is competitive and aggressive when the situation warrants it, such as when vying for a promotion at work or playing football with friends - but generally accepts a loss with grace.

Sociability:
You'll be happiest with a man who likes to spend time with old friends and make new ones. Like you, he might not always be the first to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but he is rarely tongue-tied once a conversation is underway. On some days, he might start a conversation with a complete stranger because he feels chatty. Other days, he would rather be alone or just talk to people he knows well already. At parties, he's the type of person who isn't afraid to venture outside his immediate group of friends and meet new people.


Openness
Openness refers to a person's willingness to experience new and creative ideas. People who score low on Openness tend to place a high value on tradition and belonging to a group. People who score high on Openness tend to place a high value on imagination and individualism. Extreme scores on Openness also often distinguish between people who enjoy thinking in symbols and abstractions to people who prefer ideas which are clear and concrete.

Artistic Passion:
You are best suited in many ways to the kind of man who has the soul of an artist. He likely seeks out creative outlets, like writing, painting or singing. He's expressive, imaginative and inventive and probably has a distinct sense of style. He is the sort of person who infuses creativity into his surroundings by doing things like adding a few distinctive pieces of art to his home instead of cookie-cutter furniture.

Curiosity:
You will be best matched with a man who is eager to find out more about things that interest him. He likes to learn about the world by trying new things, like exotic foods, a far-flung vacation destination or conversations with people from other cultures.

Intellect:
Your ideal mate is knowledgeable and well-read. He values education but isn't consumed by it. He's not the type to do research that would rival a Ph.D. dissertation to decide what to do when a life decision needs to be made, but he probably wouldn't resort to throwing a dart into the Yellow Pages either.


Physicality

Sexual Passion:
You'll be most fulfilled by the kind of man who believes sex is an important part of a great relationship, but not the only part. He is looking for physical chemistry with a woman, the kind of spark that comes from genuine romantic attraction. However, he also appreciates that there is more to a "real relationship" than sex.

Appearance:
You are most compatible with a man who takes pride in his looks but isn't defined by them. He believes that things like working out and buying new clothes regularly help him put his best foot forward in social settings. Friends describe him as someone who might put forth extra effort for a special occasion but who won't spend every moment worrying about how he looks. He will appreciate your appearance, but doesn't value looks above all else.

Physical Energy:
You are best suited to someone who likes to stay active, but also enjoys spending quiet time at home. You are most compatible with someone who makes staying healthy and exercising a normal part of their life, but also enjoys kicking back and relaxing when the time is right. Friends probably describe him as someone who enjoys getting his heart rate up but who's also content to spend a Sunday afternoon on the couch watching football or a favorite movie on TV.


Goal orientation
Goal Orientation refers to the drive to plan for the future versus the urge to live in the moment.

Education:
Your ideal mate is accomplished academically, but he doesn't overemphasize it. During his school years, he was the type of person who balanced studying with things like extracurricular activities, working or spending time with friends. He wants to have an intellectual connection with his partner, but he's also able to appreciate other things about her, like kindness, character or sense of humor.

Ambition:
You will be happiest with a man who wants to be successful but won't let it compromise all aspects of his life. He sets personal goals and wants to live up to his potential and advance his career. He generally does not judge himself by what others think, but he might sometimes measure his success by things like having the right car or a prestigious job. He generally considers things like family, friends and time to himself more important than achievements.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Industry:
You are most compatible with someone who works hard at the office or jobsite, but avoids bringing too much stress and worry home. He likes to stay busy, but doesn't feel the need to fill every moment of every day with some task or chore. He's generally efficient, persistent and productive, but doesn't obsess over making lists of things to do or accomplish. He will appreciate your work ethic and your ability to enjoy the relaxation of downtime as well.

Organization:
Your ideal mate is probably more interested in having fun and enjoying the "here and now" rather than constantly making extensive plans for how to get the most out of the future. He likes being organized enough to know where he's going and what he's doing on a given day, but planning every last detail of something like a camping trip or a visit to a new city would, frankly, take some of the fun out of the adventure as far as he's concerned.

Self-Concept:
Your ideal match is someone who is self-assured and well-adjusted. When necessary, he can accept constructive criticism and doesn't feel the need to "kill the messenger." Because he is confident of his own worth, he rarely gets overly defensive. Other people see him as someone who knows his strengths but who doesn't turn a blind eye to his weaknesses.

Anger Management:
Your ideal mate generally won't strike back when someone is mad at him. He's patient and does his best to avoid reacting in a way that'll add fuel to the fire. He's the kind of person who will probably understand if you lose your temper on occasion as long as you don't take it to extremes.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Emotional Status:
You are best suited to a man who is generally happy and hopeful about what life has to offer. There may be parts of his life he'd like to improve, but he generally has faith that he'll attain his goals. When faced with conflict at work or at home, he rarely overreacts or feels out of control. Friends see him as someone who tries to focus on the positive in good times and bad.

Obstreperousness:
Your ideal mate is someone who isn't afraid to voice his opinion and appreciates the fact that you do the same. He won't be surprised if you disagree with him or argue your position. Like you, he may get irritated easily when others disagree with his perspective. However, the two of you will be able to appreciate each other's commitment to being honest rather than "politically correct," and share emphasis on substance over style.

Mood Management:
You will be most satisfied with a man who will be able to understand if you sometimes take your grouchiness out on him. Friends and family may know him as someone who has gone through more than his own share of low times himself. He'll understand and be supportive if sometimes your mood seems all-consuming and that you need someone to just sit with you and listen.

Values

Spirituality:
Your ideal mate is someone whose religious community is an important part of his life. He probably attends services regularly, not just on holidays or for weddings or funerals. He will likely expect his partner to be part of the same type of faith community.

Traditionalism:
Your ideal mate is a man who has a strong moral compass, but does not necessarily believe that everything done in the name of church or country in our society is correct. He has strong values, but is also an independent thinker. Traditional gender roles and censorship generally strike him as wrong, but so may many of the more extreme liberal attitudes exhibited in pop culture.

Some additional details about your ideal mate:

Family goals:
Your ideal mate is someone who loves children and wants them to play a significant role in his life. He thinks family is important and is willing to commit his life to having children of his own.

Altruism:
Your ideal mate is the kind of person who cares about helping strangers but who might not spend a lot of his time doing so. He is someone who generally takes care of his friends when they're in need and who might feel a pang of guilt when he doesn't reach out to assist strangers. Others see him as someone who, with a little encouragement, will join efforts to help, whether it's a canned food drive or a charity fundraiser.

Family Background:
Your ideal mate has a good relationship with his family, but it's not perfect. They enjoy talking or spending time together but do have occasional conflict, and there could be certain disagreements that have never been resolved.



Personality Profile

You have a natural enthusiasm for the activities you prefer. Because of your enthusiasm, you may forget that others have different wants and needs.
Your primary social strategy is making things happen and happen now. Usually very active, you thrive on challenge. When the going gets tough, you get going.
Each person has a unique way of communicating. We use a combination of body language, facial expression, verbal tone and word choice to share ourselves with others. The following statements offer a look at the natural behavior you bring to an interpersonal relationship.
Not having a climate of challenges and competition may cause you to create such a climate. You perform best under pressure, and may assume that others want the same...your assumption is not always true.
You are active in the things you do and in your communication. Your rapid mental activity becomes apparent when, rather than listening to others, you will be thinking of what you might say next.
Your high ego traits coupled with impatience may have others read you as arrogant at times. This is only appreciated by others when they understand that you need quick results, challenges and competition.
You will take issue and not shy away from confrontation when others disagree with how you feel or think.
In social situations, you prefer variety, adventure and the unusual. You may lose interest if you feel a situation is becoming routine. As a result, you must be kept busy and involved with making things happen.
You have a high interest in the new, the unusual and the adventurous. You may also be curious and have a wide range of interests, preferring an ever-changing environment.
You love challenges and competition. Those who know you may consider you to be a high risk-taker.
You love challenges and competition. At the same time, you must realize and appreciate that others may not share your zest for challenges and competition.

Following are some of the specific strengths and/or personal characteristics that you bring to a relationship. These may form the foundations of many of your friendships and dealings with other people.

You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning.
You have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.
You generally dislike the "status quo," and are exhilarating to be around.
You are optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.
You are skilled at finding "win-win" solutions when conflicts arise.
You often come up with creative solutions when faced with common problems.
You are very good at communicating with others and seeing their point of view.
You like to initiate new activities.
You like to take action and see that things get done.
You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.
You often have innovative ideas.
You meet new people easily and are good at making them feel welcome.

In general, human beings are defined by their needs and individuals by their wants. Your emotional wants are especially important when establishing with whom you are compatible. While answering the Relationship Questionnaire you established a pattern of basic, subconscious wants. This section of the report was produced by analyzing those patterns. Our wants change as we mature and obtain our life goals. You may find it valuable to revisit this section periodically to see how your wants have changed

You may want:

Others to behave with the same sense of urgency.
Many activities, so there is never a dull moment.
Others to "catch up" to your speed of doing things.
Others to work and play as hard as you do.
Freedom from many rules and regulations and the ability to write your own rules.
No close supervision--you don't want people to hang over your shoulder.
An outlet to vent your emotions frequently.
Exposure and recognition by those who really appreciate your results and achievements.

Thanks for staying and skimming till here.

weekend

Sunday is always blog-quiet night. I have nothing much to read online, and coupled with the fact that C goes home on Sunday nights from my house, it gets lonely. I don't have any severe Sunday-to-Monday blues - unless Monday is a big day at a client's, but the quiet blogosphere in a quiet house makes a Sunday night too quiet for good health.


The light in my room is out. C says the capacitor is out of order - whatever a capacitor may be - and the bulb itself is also no longer working. I have to go get another bulb tomorrow. I hate these things.


I need to get Elvis to come and service my air-cons, but I have had no time over the last week, and the house is too much in a mess to invite anyone over. My mom says that if you keep your house super-clean when a contractor comes over, he won't make it as messy when he works on the lights-pipes-aircons etc. in the house, as he would in an already-dirty house. I agree. Also, and this is my theory: have drinks handy, happy contractors are filled with cold liquids on the many hot days of their life. Happy contractors make for satisfied customers. Unless of course, they are the ones who pilfer beer from you by outrightly asking for it when they peer into the fridge, which is what they did to Jan when they came to fix the shelf in her room when she was staying with me.


I need to pay bills again. My electricity bills are way over the top pricey now, because of the aircons, and the fuel price increase. I was speaking to a taxi driver that day, who insisted that I should pay my HDB instalments as far as I can, because "gahmen's money, cannot owe one," and he says he eats two dishes with his economic rice for lunch nowadays, so that can save more money. I guess when my income level is currently close to that of a taxi driver's, I had better take his advice.


I had a dream that someone completely unfamiliar in real life, said to me during a gathering similar to a cell group meeting, that I should eat less because it was obvious that I was fat especially around my bulging tummy. I regularly dream about being fat and the like, after an affirmed discovery of fat around specific body parts. Last night, I grabbed my tummy fat and said aloud, that it was the size of ten ping pong balls, or a kids-size soccer ball. And C said, "I think you should exercise." Hence the dream. I had a similar dream about my thighs once, years back, when I first discovered cellulite on my thighs. In real life before the dream, I called H after my discovery and asked him: "Do you like my thighs? I have cellulite!" And he replied: "You have cellulite, but I like your thighs." Which was the sweetest answer a man could give to a girl when faced with the "Am I fat?" genre of questions. Yet, I still dreamt about my fat thighs. Anyway, will resume my crunches later. I haven't done any exercise this whole week.


I find that having books to read, helps me go to bed earlier. Because of the fact that I need not have to park myself in front of my lousy CRT monitor to view my feeds, instead, I can read in bed (or for tonight, in the lounge since my room light is out), and I shut down the computer much earlier in the night. So much for free reads, books are still the best. Unless of course, I have a functioning laptop.


Which brings me to the end of the lonely Sunday night.


(C is at home doing his work as well as playing WOW as usual, and being a caveman, as all men need to be every once in a while. Caving makes for happy men and thus, happy me.)

stomach pain

Yesterday, after dinner, I had a harrowing experience involving pain and my tummy. At first, I felt bloated, and before sleeping, I decided that too much bloating meant digestive issues at hand that needed to be solved, with Omeprazole. Which I downed, and went to lie down, as early as I could.


Subsequently, the bloatedness changed to pain - cramps that bordered on the kind you get with diarrheoa, or IBS, or related. It hurt so much, I kept thinking - lacerations, for some reason. Because my stomach felt like there were cuts inside. I went to the toilet, and subsequently took a Tramadol, which is meant for severe pain, an opiate for pain-relief without any damage to the stomach lining. It helped lull me to sleep, one of the wonders of sedatives.


In the end I had to go to the loo another two times, once at one a.m, and another time at six a.m. This sounds gross, but I stared inside the toilet bowl thereafter, to determine if I was really bleeding inside. There were streaks of darker brown, but I still couldn't be sure unless I went for one of those kinky ass-swipes.


I went to sleep again, and for a long time, still heavily sedated by the Tramadol. When I awoke, I took another Omeprazole, and had to go to the loo again. I prayed hard, although my mind was fuzzy and my throat was dry, I mimed the lyrics to a worship song I composed years back.


And then, the pain was gone. Thank You God.


At first instance when I awoke, I asked C if we could just have our lunch downstairs, because I felt too weak and in pain, despite the Tramadol, to go anywhere further than Ubi for lunch. After I went to the loo and prayed I felt so much better, so we managed to go further than home for lunch.


We had Hoe Nam Prawn Noodle for our rather late lunch, at about three in the afternoon. Yum. Best in Singapore. And near home enough too.

on writer's moments

I haven't written much lately here, and I am sorry for it. To be honest, I don't really know why exactly. For strange reasons, regular coffee and cat moments no longer stir me to write, perhaps because I read much of these kinds of moments on other sites, then they become trite, and I hate to be part of the trite-production.


So I need to write about other things, but they are rarer, these other things.


All I can think of, is telling you about myself.


Or of writing something serious that no one will want to read unless I force it upon them.


Else I write secrets in my Journal, and then I decide to hide it, because they are scarring secrets, for the reader not for me.


I am sorry, the twenty of you who come by almost everyday to check on me. This is a silent Avalon.


I will try again soon. To find more writer's moments actually worth writing about. They are always there, these writer's moments, but I deem most of them to be of so little worth I am bound to hardly even try.


Till now, at least these are words, a quickie for the reading whore.

vision

I saw an angel coming to sit by me. He handed me a scroll, I thought I was suppose to eat it like the prophet would, but instead he handed me a quill-type of pen, and asked me to write.

I think the time has come for me to write as a minister, as a herald, as a scribe for my lover.

But I don't know where to start. I will try.

that splashwurks party

H and my other E

- rather overdue, but yes, that mad party we had at my house in May.

the rule of ten

This is interesting.


According to HairyDonut.


With 10 men, you can have:

up to 3 bastards

2 good looking ones (no personality nair mind)

1 or 2 not so good looking, but with great personalities (who inevitably end up being the front-runners)

1 who is rich (drive sports car/ rich fambly)

1 who is cool (ride motorbike/ models CK underwear)

1 is experimental (like, someone you wouldn't ordinarily date but you just want to try. Someone with tattoos/ a criminal record - am not talking about a traffic offence here/ much much older/ younger/ related to you (gasp!)

I don't think I qualify, I have only gone out with three bastards (quota met), one nice guy (great personality?), one experimental (also one of the bastards), and C does not qualify in this list (no category for good-looking geeks)? I fail the rule of ten, I only have four plus one!

elainities

1. Legs, particularly feet, very tired, swollen and sore from the day's worth of work. Need glucosamine.
2. Visits to the toilet since leaving the house early this morning: one. When I came home and showered at dinnertime.
3. I would rather read than watch TV.
4. Am already sleepy.
   
5. Beer with ice-cream or chips or crackers? Hmm, just the beer in the meantime.
6. Number of lines on tummy when seated: three.
7. Number of lines on hip due to clothes being too small: various, one very red. I am running out of clothes because I am getting fatter. (Don't argue with me on this.)
8. Inspiration: none.
   

I haven't been writing very much to you, or to myself.


My English is in lack, maybe it is a lack of literary stimulation. My sentences are looking even more awkward than ever and I have hardly the reason why I am writing badly.


I am now a closed book. Little to share, and that little fizzes out for my lack of excitement.


I wish I wrote more. But I am not a story-spinner, but a story-teller or reporter at best, and then I have little content to manipulate in word-form.


(Even memes hardly excite me lately). I will try harder.

anger

7/22/2006 11:06:19 AM


There is too much anger in me; I cannot contain it anymore and afterwards I often regret in aches and dreams. I call out in my sleep because I have been victimised in some dreams, and in others I feel my heart beating loudly and carelessly, so hard as it usually does, and I put the words in my mind into my mouth and shout them very loud; I can hear myself. I am angry with more things than I often care to say, and soon it wells up like it often does in a man, and I become violent and destructive.


Yesterday I attempted to prophesy to myself, to forthtell the condition of my heart so that my mind will understand and know the root cause of my distresses. I decded to do that, because last night at my cell group meeting with my church mates, I shared two passages of the Bible with my friend Pat, and both times it turned out to specifically answer or confirm something that she has been wondering about for some time now, something life-changing. I often do this. Not by my own strength, for things of the spirit can only be borne of the Spirit. But I find myself often having dreams and visions, and I know somehow what they mean, like Joseph did when he interpreted Pharoah's dreams. I often find myself ministering to others with verses from the Bible, and they are often prophetic in forthtelling and foretelling, and not usual cliched encouragements. This is my gift, and I will not be ashamed of it, no matter how hard it is not to be.


After last night's conversation with Pat I went home and said to myself, if God can speak through me to other people, He can do the same to me, through me: I become both the steward and the vessel. And I prophesied this to me: stop caring so much about gaining the favour of men, and start working for only God Himself. We know that men are faulty masters, that there will always be wrongs just as many as there are rights, if not more. In the end, everybody hurts me, and it is my own fault for letting that happen. But God is a perfect master, he has no slaves in His house, only well-loved children - all of us, and His cause is noble and a better cause than we are. In serving men, which I do for a living, I have mistakenly allowed my esteem to come from them, which will never come to pass, because men will never care as much as God does. This is why we have so many insecure people in this world, who have such low self-esteem they do the silly things we all know. I have faltered in not realising this deviation in me till now, and now I know that I have faltered, meaning, we always know this truth, but we sometimes point the boat in the wrong way and still steer ahead as always, not knowing we are off-course a few degrees, till a few metres after, or perhaps far lost.


What am I angry about? I could list them out in an effort at release, for they have been within me, I refuse to share them often because I do not want people to be affected by my negativity, neither do I want to be a self-serving person who crowds conversations with complaints, everytime, and lose my friends in doing that. We all used to have these people in our lives; if they are still in yours, it is time to remove them, amputation for gangrene. But repression is a wasted effort, because in the end it comes out worse. I am behaving like a man, who retreats to his cave to mull over things instead of sharing them daily like women do, and in the end when it is said, it is many moons after, and it is explosive. I cannot help it; while I am an open book on my blog, everything else is closed and I have far more beneath this public persona. I am a keeper of secrets. I am extremes.


Not everything that is true needs to be said.


7/23/2006 9:12:55 PM

I had a dream when I was almost waking up, today. In the cinematic frame of my dream-mind, the screen was visually divided into two, left and right. On the right side, I saw Lin in Shantaram, running towards a fire, like a replica of the one that happened in the Bombay slum, where the slum-dwellers banded together to create a fire-break, to save the slum and the people, their people. On the left of the screen, I saw a man setting a place on fire, a pyromaniac. He was consumed with his desire to burn, and the adrenaline within him kept him going at it, very successfully. I know that adrenaline, it is called anger. I have that kind of anger, the kind that makes my heart beat hard and fast, fuels my words and actions and makes everything double-time. I think fast and I act fast with that brand of adrenaline.


Waking up, I heard a voice next to my heart saying: 'Anger is destructive. Do you want to be the one with the passionate ability to destroy a place, or do you want to be the one that saves those in the fire who are dying?'


I would have wept if I not for the fact that I was too tired to do that. I am angry because I am a victim, but I am a victim because I am angry. In both instances I can change things, but how exactly, I haven't yet found out, save for what is written here.


Breathing deeply does not help, it gets interpreted as a clenched jaw, or a black face, a distant countenance. Crying instead of shouting does not help, it is not any more professional as conversation should be. Perhaps Xanax, but it is a junkie's solution, I should avoid forming that. I should complain to Father God, my secrets keeper, my best friend, but I find myself silent many times, like the best friend who sits with you over tea, and loves your company as you do his, even without saying a word, you feel each other's presence. I think, I am going to just see how every tomorrow goes when it comes, and try my best not to create any more regrets.

this music-cubes thingie is fun

via DJ Keishi

status

1. Shantaram, chapter 5
2. The Long Tail, chapter 3
3. Bloglines, 92 feeds
4. Work, full-time and more
5. Number of Shop n Save stickers collected for the month: 4 (10 gives you $6)
6. Laundry, up to date
7. Housework, still awry but passable
8. Hollywood Clicks movies on hand: 2046, A Very Long Engagement, New York New York
9. DVD players currently in house to play said dvds: none
10. Writing, less, because I rather keep secrets, as always

things I crave right now

via my topography


(beause I suddenly have little to say via blogging)

1. the panadol that I accidentally threw away while cleaning out the kitchen
2. time, to do cleaning on the rest of the house
3. a strawberry frozen margarita from alley bar
4. a new home entertainment system to replace the busted sony one
5. my dvds from hollywood clicks
6. bleach anime new episodes please please please
7. a new bottle of my Clarins Multi Active Day Gel and freebies alongside too
8. Biotherm's Abdo Choc to get rid of all my extra fat (combined with sit ups etc. they are cheaper than new clothes, that I badly need because I cannot wear many things I own now)
9. new clothes shoes bags and accessories
   
10. new pillows, and other bedding accessories
11. being able to finally buy my own diamonds and such
12. writing, properly
13. wearing my lips red like I used to when I dressed corporate
14. some nice home-made soup by my mom or maybe C's maid
15. petai, cooked by my mom: best in the world
    
16. more money please
17. sleeeeeeeeeeeeep
    

take this quiz!

I was a little tired and bored and too mildly inspired, so take this quiz I wrote about me and give me one if you have the time to spare (or are bored enough too)! Ahha it is all about elaine...


Update:
There is a bug on question 5. Well the bug is me. I forgot that C and I have gone to Chomp Chomp together before, together with my Rosyth friends. Shucks. Own goal.

dumb

I just have to comment on this article below:


Singapore Human Resources Institute does survey on employee engagement
By S Ramesh, Channel NewsAsia



SINGAPORE: In a first time ever comprehensive survey on engaging the employee, conducted by the Singapore Human Resources Institute, one interesting finding was that money was not the most important motivating factor to remain committed in the job.

Taking part in the employee engagement survey were about 130 companies employing between 50 and 800 people, and almost half the respondents are from multi national companies or MNCs.

75 percent of them said they were engaged in the organisation and work, meaning they were loyal, productive and satisfied, and those employed in local companies felt more engaged than those working in the MNCs.

"From the engagement perspective, we found that many employers are ready to undertake job redesign; another finding is that the employers find they have good experience taking on retrenched and older workers. In fact, one in two or slightly higher find that there is better experience with older than younger workers," said David Ang, Executive Director, Singapore Human Resources Institute.

The survey also found that some of the motivating factors that led to job commitment include a good working environment, good career prospects and employers getting their employees involved in the decision making process.

Interestingly money was no longer a major motivator in job commitment.

Only 24 percent viewed money as an important factor in driving job satisfaction, compared with 56 percent who chose having a good working environment as the most important motivating factor.

The institute also did a second survey on the profile of the Singaporean workforce, interviewing 60 employers.

Half of the employers say the Singaporean worker is generally the preferred choice for all positions.

But employers would rather not have them for overseas assignments as the workforce is not willing to undertake jobs overseas on a local salary package.

"With this survey finding results, we hope that HR practitioners will look at the various factors and see how the findings and perceptions can be aligned for what they are planning for the organisation," said Mr Ang. - CNA /dt




You mean only NOW then they realise that money is not a motivator? Where have they been? Studying HR indeed!

dream.

Returning home today and feeling extremely tired, I took a nap that lasted me the whole afternoon till a call awoke me. The call was an unknown number and there was no one on the other line. But no matter, that was besides the point; the call woke me up, and of course I could not go back to sleep anymore for the day.


While asleep I dreamt that friends of mine, one of them specifically being Jiaying my friend from my previous church, were into missions and a lot of active, meaningful ministry for people in various tangible areas. I was an older adult, maybe at an age truly reflective of how old I really am now, or perhaps some age later than now. I do not know for sure the time represented in my dream, but I know that where I was, time had already passed me by.


It felt like this: Imagine you are on a wheel, a dial that resembles perhaps the knob on the washing machine, or microwave oven. It goes in one direction, say anti-clockwise, for the spring allows it only so. Imagine this wheel is on another, something that rotates more freely, like that of a bicycle or roulette. Aesthetically, or design-wise, this analogy has no visual appeal whatsoever. But for the purposes of my communicating to you, it suffices till I become a better story-weaver. The freer wheel, is time, is rotating in the other direction most of the time (unless you decide to turn back time and reminisce), so smoothly as if it were freshly lubricated and made not a single sound. As you go in one seemingly right direction, time goes by in the other without you even realising it, and time passes you by, while you, in reality, have stagnated.


I felt like time had passed me by, while I was busy with whatever I am busy with now, and I barely realised it, till I realised I was so distant from the things of my friends' worlds. These things of their worlds were promises made and kept on their end, to themselves and to God, for their calling into missions, just like I have my promise. While I supposedly stayed where I was for the moment, thinking it was the right thing to do, time and the season passed and my dial was actually moving backwards against it. In my dream, the things my friend Jiaying was involved in were things that I would have known intimately too were I also in the mission field, but I didn't; they sounded so alien and strange. Jiaying is my age and through growing up somewhat together we both knew our calling was in missions and we would serve out our burdens with fire in our bellies, no longer I that liveth. But in my dream, she had gone on, while I didn't, and I hardly knew anything about missions anymore. At the point I realised that I had stagnated over the years, while the season, the appointed time, kairos, had come and I was not in it like I was supposed to have been. It almost make me bend over with regret to know this.


This dream was like a look into the future, if only a warning and not a foretold prophecy. Here I am, already having been an adult for many years, finally feeling like life is really really too short, that I could have saved some of the time that had passed. Yet this dream makes that feeling of waste even more acute by a number of years. Soon, I will be in my thirties, and it might really be too late. Where am I going?

elainities update

1. I have been away slightly, from the computer anyway, because I have been busy; with work, resting, Calvin. The house is still in a mess.


2. The DVD player is very officially kaput. I will need to buy a new home theatre system of sorts. Stupid Sony.
   


3. I just finished reading Banana Yoshimoto's Lizard, a collection of short stories. Ordinarily I don't like short stories: they take you nowhere, they are merely thoughts on paper with no life-blood, but merely some philosophy, like an essay disguised. I finally decided to try Yoshimoto because of a reader's suggestion some time back, since he knew I liked Murakami. They are rather similar in their tendencies towards the introspective, only so far, it think that Murakami has explained his characters' lives and thoughts much clearer. I will probably try her other books to make my views more balanced.
   


4. I just finished my girly share of chick-lit, through my favourite chick-lit author Marian Keyes's Watermelon. I like Marian Keyes because she writes well despite being in the chick-lit genre, and I hardly touch very many other chick-lit authors.


5. I went and procured myself a copy of Gregory David Robert's Shantaram after checking it out at Joseph's suggestion. Will be reading it next, together with


6. In the Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami. I actually resisted buying it for about a year, when it was still lurking in shelves no one knew about. I read it standing up in bookstores over extended repeated visits to the bookshops, and stopped somewhere, and now I have it to continue. Apparently Ryu Murakami is one of Haruki Murakami's favourite writers, or at least one of them.


7. I just went to collect my copy of The Long Tail at the post office today.
   

I am Singaporean

iamsingaporean, via mb

My IC number starts with S and ends with the letter H and my IC is pink like every Singaporean's.


I had six years of compulsory primary education, with streaming in Primary 3 which I did badly in but it identified the boys and girls who were gifted and put them in another class. We still got along together, but they had different files. We played catching, where you can 'twist' or 'chope' to ensure immunity, or you can run to a 'home' which ensures the same. 'Who stole the cookie?' was fun too. There were other ditties: 'Copy cat, kiss the rat, go home let your mother slap' which I still hear kids today chanting, nothing has changed twenty years on. I had to learn Civics and Moral Education and Hao Gong Ming where we were taught about how we should not let the stranger give us things and take us away, about how different ethnicities and religions have different wedding traditions, and how a boy named Si Ma Kuang got himself or his friend or someone out of a big water pot. I also learned that a pot like that with still water breeds mosquitoes and probably dengue fever.


We have pavements to walk on along the roads which is something we should not take for granted because it is not a norm in every Asian city. We learn to walk on pavements and not take up road space. My mom calls the pavement the 'five foot way', till today.


I am part of the strong kopitiam culture, where we hang out, eat out, over extended periods of time, and often. When I was a kid my parents will take me along to their adult gatherings at kopitiams and other eating-out places, or sometimes those that say (air-con). We stay out late into the night to do so. This is our solidarity.


I own a mortgage on ninety percent of my house and I have technically twenty-something years to fill it out, and this house is on ninety-nine year lease hold like all flats do, so like many others in Singapore, I have debts but not my own place.


I call all food sellers and taxi drivers uncle and auntie, even though we are obviously not related and they might even seem young. They call me xiao mei if I am wearing my home clothes and makeup-less or xiao jie if I am dressed my age.


I enjoy shopping at places like NTUC or Shop n Save where I can collect coupons or watch out for great deals on the newspapers and such. I kiap my wallet under my arm like most aunties do when they buy things at the supermarket.


I understand acronyms, even some army ones, and we seem to like forming more and more of them everyday. It is a whole new language.


I know Singaporean road names, and I have friends who share names with certain roads, such as Flora Road (at Changi) and Wilkie Road (at Selegie). I also know that there are two Sennetts, and Crescent Girls' School is not at Crescent Road (which is near Guillemard). I know that roads like Woodlands Avenue 7 and Ang Mo Kio Ave 8 are also roads that run alongside MRT track lines. To get from my house to Bishan you can take Paya Lebar, Bartley and then Braddell Road, or you can take the PIE (Jurong) exit CTE (Ang Mo Kio) at Upper Serangoon Road and exit Ang Mo Kio Ave 1. But CTE is always jammed. Alternatively you can take bus 55.


I watch movies, and help contribute to the statistics that say Singaporeans are some of the most avid movie-goers in the world.


I know many hokkien swear words, which we have the habit of being able to spell them out in English, wah lau, hong gan, tulan, and maybe even make them into acronyms: knnbccb.


I am not a boy but all the boys I know around me have one thing in common, and that is army. I understand how army took away the boys around me, and how sometimes they need a girl to accompany them to some events. I understand most army speak, and enjoy hearing them. I even like the songs, the lingo and the typical things said. 'You think I thought who confirm?!'


I love Singaporean men, especially mine. I could bear with their soccer, gaming, sports, male buddies, for a long time.

reminiscing residences

I was just thinking of all the places I have ever stayed in in my lifetime of almost twenty-seven years, and thought about the good and bad and favourite things about them all. I cannot say that I have a specific favourite place I have ever stayed in, though I think I tend to like the rustic, quieter and more sparsely populated places.


The first place I can actually remember staying, not from photos or stories retold by my parents, but from direct memories I collected since I learnt to remember anything, is in Toa Payoh. I stayed there when I was in my kindergarten years, and perhaps during the time I went into primary school too. It was a three-room flat, on the second floor. The carpet was green. I watched my first ever SBC channel 8 dramas there: The Awakening, Flying Fish, etc. I also did many other firsts, such as, going out of the house by myself. I did that one afternoon when I was bored and by myself as usual, with nothing to do, and probably feeling contemplative, with too many thoughts but nowhere to run. I unlocked the lock on the main gate and went out of the house quietly so my maid, the only guardian at home at the time, would not be able to hear me going out. It was in the afternoon, probably a weekday, a work-day. I walked down the stairs which were right next to my flat, and hung around outside the confectionery downstairs, pacing as far as the coffeeshop, the provision store, and back. There was a man deep-frying some french fries at the confectionery. I wished to myself that I had money to buy a packet of fries too, lightly yet visibly salted, but hot, and I did some futile calculations in my mind on how I could get that kind of money. (Not possible, the fries were a dollar a packet, even by the age of seven my pocket money was only seventy cents a day). As I sat on the steps, just looking at the greyish world go past, I sometimes stared at the confectionery man. Soon enough I experienced some kindness: the confectionery man offered me a fry! I went back upstairs after consuming the fry, and no one knew anything about my solitary walk at the age of five years old (or so, I cannot remember for sure). I only recently told my mom this incident, it actually still worried her when she heard this, even after twenty years on. When I was due to enter primary one, staying in Toa Payoh, my parents tried to enrol me in CHIJ primary, but then we lost the ballot, and I, very thankfully actually, ended up in Rosyth Primary 1F. I guess that's partially why we moved nearer my school after that.


I think we moved to Jalan Limbok, off Phillips Avenue. That was probably when I was nine years old. If in doubt where this place is, it is near the Japanese cemetary, which is a rather quaint place actually, they say Yamashita was buried there. There was a saga seed tree along Phillips Avenue, at the fork of the road near the cemetary, but I am pretty sure it is no longer there now. My house had a rambutan tree in the garden, one which neighbours tried to harvest after tasting our gifts of the fruit. There was also a flowering bush, I think it is the allamanda flower. My primary school friend Goi stayed near me, on the same street.


Subsequently I think we moved to somewhere in Seletar when I was ten years old. It is even quieter than Phillips Avenue, I remember even sighting an owl once, perched on a road sign. It was also near the old Woodbridge hospital, the original site at Jalan Woodbridge. My primary school friend Paul stayed near me, on the next street. I had a balcony adjoining my room, and this was how I got to know my neighbours, two children, a boy and a girl. We figured we could visit each other through our balconies, which we did, of course the boy did more climbing than we did, and I think I got along more with him than I did with his sister, who was younger, and possibly too girly for me. I didn't do very much girly things when I was young, I remember him, but I don't really remember her. Opposite my house there was a playground, I played there with my neighbours too, and learnt how to walk on seesaws from one end to another right there.


When I was about eleven we moved to Serangoon Gardens, which I have to say is one of my favourite places. I loved the old second hand bookshop (now Happy Daze), Times the bookshop which is no longer there too, eating kueh tu tu from the Johnson Duck coffeeshop, and fish soup from Chomp Chomp, among others. One of the best parts was that I could visit my best friend Julie who also stayed in Gardens. I remember that there was a point where my cousins stayed with me, and my parents were away in Malaysia, leaving me with my auntie and uncle as guardians, in the very same house. I hate staying with relatives, this and other future experiences proved this true again and again. But my cousins and I had much fun cycling around the neighbourhood, catching tadpoles and building campfires at the plot of empty land behind my house (now the French School), cycling to 7-11 to get our snack loot. It is absolutely charming growing up in Gardens.


When I entered secondary school, my parents were still away, though they came back for brief moments, and I remember having to stay in Jurong with another aunt and family at that time. I hate Jurong, it is far, it is gloomy, and it was depressing. I used to take bus 66 from school all the way home, and because the journey was so long - I start from Macpherson - I used to sleep on the bus so much that the bus uncle scolded me when he had to wake me up at the interchange two days in a row. Soon after this, my mom rescued me with a solution: I moved to JB to stay with my parents, and commuted to school daily across the causeway.


I stayed in a then sparsely populated town, now it is more crowded of course, but at that time, there weren't even phone lines. We got burglarised twice, and I lost my Sony walkman forever. I do remember nice moments though: I remember seeing a beautiful flash of lightning that illuminated the sky one late afternoon. Because storms in JB are more dramatic, that second of light in a city-lightless town, made the view outside my house look surreal, like we were in a partial eclipse of the sun, but only for a moment. There was also nice wantan mee in this town, (yes, for the over-informed, it is the same guy who flips the noodles real high), and other JB food.


Subsequently I moved somewhere nearer to town, where it cost me only about four or five ringgit to take a cab from the customs checkpoint. It was at this house where I met my dog. We would go for walks to the nearby Pelangi shopping centre, where she would then go off to play by herself in the neighbourhood while I went shopping, and ate delicious Baskin Robbins ice cream. In this house I stayed in the attic, where I sought refuge, where I did my art, where I wrote my diary, where God found me. A spacious solace.


When it was time for JC I told my parents I had to move out, because I wouldn't be able to bear any longer, the commuting to and from JB to Singapore, with longer school hours now. My parents moved again too, to another favourite place of mine, a town not very much further away, Melodies Garden. My mom and my dad would sit in the front porch of our house, near the fish pond, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and chat till two a.m. Once when H and I were at my place we climbed out of my room window and sat chatting on the roof, watching whatever stars we could find. My parents stayed in this house for a few years, till about over a year ago when they bought a new place again, smaller now, single-storey so my mom doesnt have to climb the stairs to talk to my dad if they were on different stories.


So when I was seventeen, I moved out of my parents' house and stayed with another family of relatives, in Ang Mo Kio. I moved there the night before my JC orientation. I lasted eight months. Never again will I stay with relatives I can ever help it.


I then moved to Potong Pasir, a place I was already familiar with, as it was near my secondary school, and I had bunked in with a friend here during my O level weeks so I could get to school for exams easier. Now, I rented a room from my mom's friend who also stayed in that quaint estate. My first real shot at freedom, without the relatives. I do remember Potong Pasir fondly. I remember the river. Now the St Andrew's Village cuts over it, but before, it was a nice quiet stroll you would have wanted to take, longer, if only to enjoy the view.


I moved home after my A levels, back to Melodies Garden, for a couple of years before moving out again, this time back to Ang Mo Kio, where I rented a room through a friend, to stay with their grandparents in their spare room. It was lonely, but I overcame it. Ang Mo Kio is fun to live in if you like to take late night strolls to s-11 to have tea and supper, something H and I often did too, when we both had stayed in AMK at the same time, and Enid was nearby in Bishan. Ang Mo Kio folks are really one of a kind though, they like to gather in crowds like wildfire to see anything: fights, accidents, snake oil, hot pants on sale for two dollars, etc. The police might be nonchalant to this AMK behaviour - they took more than twenty minutes to arrive at a scene where a fight (albeit a small one) broke out after a call had been made. And completely dismissed whatever bystanders had to say too. I felt slighted at that. But then again, I probably was behaving like a typical Ang Mo Kio-ian bystander at the time.


Subsequently I moved to Woodlands to stay, which I didn't particularly enjoy, because Woodlands is far from anywhere (except JB, Yishun, AMK), and Woodlands is dangerous. No police patrols, only two police stations in the whole of the Sembawang GRC, and I once witnessed policemen behaving like ruffians in public. (I did once submit this feedback to the Police, via a form, urged by a policeman, who also stayed in Woodlands, so I have done my part and am just stating the facts at the time.) I stopped taking night jogs. I did however brave the danger and walked out to meet H for suppers; he had also moved to Woodlands.


Then, eight months later, I moved to Clementi, which was a nice change. No suppers now, Clementi, in fact the west in general has nothing much to eat at supper time. I had rented a flat by myself, and had the opportunity to entertain friends and absolve much loneliness through both good and bad ways. It was at this point in time where I revived this blog, on my archaic laptop. I also remember there was once a power outage in the area. C told me, when I first got to know him, that he initiated the sparklers light up in Holland V at the time of this power outage.


One day God answered a specific prayer I made over the years past; a desire for a place of my own: my parents decided to go to HDB to see if we could buy a flat, so that I could pay mortgage instead of rent. That is how I am now in Ubi, happily, and always thankful to God for answering my prayer. I like Ubi because the people here are friendly, they never shove, not like in say Boon Lay or Tampines, and they always smile and say hello if they have seen you around. Something like Katong, but more down to earth and less sleazy. I actually enjoy talking to my neighbour. There are many things to eat here, and it is a self sufficient kampung, save for perhaps a Guardian pharmacy or Watsons. East Coast is ten bus stops away, town is seven bucks away, Geylang and Old Airport Road etc. are all near enough. Oh and the Geylang NPC police folk in charge of my area are the best I have ever encountered. In years to come I might move again, but for now, I am really, really thankful to God for this house. Time for a house party!