Thursday, June 28, 2007

we went to pulau rawa

Which is off the coast of Mersing, near Tioman, only less commercialised and more unknown. Which suits us sedentary types.

le club rawa

Le Club Rawa, the quaint beach-side hideout.


E and C happily suntanning.

E's lookin' at C

Here I am looking at C...

C's lookin' at E

Here is C half-asleep from the sun.

seaside chalet, about to rain...

Before an afternoon rainstorm....

seaside chalet again

Same place, the next morning...


At the jetty, which overlooks the corals...


Shady beach!

water over rocks

Lovely water over the rocks.

secluded beach

Lovely rocks over the sand...

view from the top of rawa

View from the top of Rawa

e tired after climbing to the top of rawa...

Obviously getting there wasn't that easy on E's fat thighs...

from the cafe

At the Le Club Rawa cafe.

evening at the beach

Last evening of suntanning at Rawa.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

holiday no enough

I'm feeling post-holiday depressed.

It was lovely at my parents' place - them, their food, the super-clean house.

Coming home to my own dirty and messy house, with only me to do the housework, and no free days except exhausting Sundays to do it - I cannot cope.

After eating all that lovely food from my parents, I feel fat again. Furthermore, they tarbaoed the petai and sambal ikan bilis for us to bring home. Eating the food, I think of them, and miss them again. I feel fat also but then the damage is already done.

Everyday will be busy, weekends included. Why can't we work 3- or 4-day weeks?

Cat is grouchy as usual.

I will be sleepy again everyday, unless I sleep at 10pm the nights before. Which means I cannot do the laundry and wash the toilet tonight. But I don't think I have a choice. Looks like I will be sleepy tomorrow after all.

I want to be sedentary again like we were, sleeping, suntanning, reading, watching anime. I wouldn't be bored living like that for, say, 6 months in the least.

Will post on the exact holiday locale and possibly some pics, soon.

I am not ready to end this holiday yet.
I need more time to do housework.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

sunday night

It is a lonely Sunday night, reminding me of my teenage years when loneliness was the core of my being, and the following morning meant the beginning of a week to school and back instead of being safe at home.

Here I am alone again in my flat, my very messy and dirty flat. Habitable but possibly a flat without clean clothes for me by Tuesday.

Beer will not help because I am feeling fat.

God's presence comforts but masks not the fact that I am still physically alone and C-less, hides not the fact that tomorrow is a work day that begins yet another long work week.

I miss living with Mom and Dad, at least I will have a clean house, and knowing they are in another room living and breathing somehow comforts. I really should go visit them soon.

I wish tomorrow we didn't have to all go to work.

(Heck the fat, beer later when it is chilled enough.)

Thursday, June 7, 2007


I just read again what I wrote and cried.

I do not understand why I still feel emotionally raw about this part of my life. But almost nobody understands. Even I don't understand why a simple job-change hurts me so much, even if it is the supposed right decision.

What am I crying over? A lost friendship? A loss of pride? A dream that died? Loss of glamour? I don't know!

If all these decisions are really part of fulfilling my calling then why am I being hurt through this? Why does time not heal the pain? Why is there pain?

Sharlene calls it surrendering. It probably is, no matter how I cannot comprehend it.

Despite the birthing pains, anger, two-way abuse, and water under the river that existed, despite these and the overworkaholism, I really miss Splashwurks from the bottom of my heart. And this hurts me like hell. God took something really close to me, away, to guide me to something bigger, something else that was also a part of the big picture. Though my mind fathoms it, my heart is broken by it, this I cannot deny.

Nobody will understand this.

Monday, June 4, 2007


Today I wished that someone might die.

I prayed this three times repetitively: "God, please let him die."

Not because I am sympathetic or pro-euthanasia - no, the person in question is not terminally ill on a life-support machine. He is just fecking condescending, anally-retentive (imagine accountant sorts but worse), short egotistic bastard who snakishly behaves otherwise. Best part is that he claims to be open and that the decision is up to _ (insert name of party being talked-down to). No wonder they call him That Piece of Shit.

If he dies soon of a heart attack, I shall claim credit for it.

Sunday, June 3, 2007


Words flow over me into me like a river; I hardly have the time-capacity to write them down. I lose them forever.

C asks why I am always so sad. He exaggerates, because every time I shed an tear unknowingly, he concludes that he makes me sad, even though it is not the case.

These are just times of blues and low-mos, and now is such a time. I cannot explain why, it is not situation-dependent. And C is here as my band-aid, proof to me of God's love again and again, because without C I would be even sadder.

Nothing else will help very much. Not even my new Nine West shoes. I will wear them with a smile anyway. :)