loop

I can't sleep.
Pain is magnified;
a headache -
- my body feels numb
paralysed.

I see pictures
Making patterns
illogical shapes -
- I snap out of it
but for how long?

I need a fix.
A silent night
awake -
feels like hell.
I need to sleep.

The reservoir
is running dry on hope;
Death is best prescribed
not awaited,
not knowing when

Knowing, not
knowing -
circular loops
in my brain -
go round and round.

Despair -
is life without medication.

ever again

I don't know how I am ever going to work again. Just yesterday I felt ill enough to have to sleep the whole day. I haven't been able to bring myself to do much housework this past fortnight. With any small reduction in medication I feel unwell, unable to sleep, with a lack of energy in the day. Small things take up big energy.

I went to the CDC for their assessment interview; if they will offer me financial assistance. I nearly had a panic attack, and I finished the last of all my anxiety medication on that very day. They may help me, they may not. I still have to wait a month to find out.

I have to just keep focusing on the things I can actually do. Over the past week I helped out a friend at his shop near our house for half a day, and there are other types of work available near my home if I am able - the fact that I need not have to travel far already eliminates most of the stress I feel when I have to go places. I am less likely to get a panic attack if I need not step outside my house, or if I am only going downstairs. But I still don't think I am up to it, looking at the amount of rest I need with anything I do.

This recovery is taking forever. It feels like a road trip from Europe to India: long, drawn-out, full of terrain.

PA

I have decided to apply for Southeast CDC PA scheme for financial assistance. They are scheduling me for an interview soon. I hope I don't get a panic attack when I go.

chaos

The past few days have been chaos.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights, finding myself awake; I spend the nights reading and playing DS.

I then wake up in the middle of the day, to find the house in a mess, and my cats hungry and thirsty. But because I haven't slept well I cannot find any energy to clean up much after feeding the cats.

My phone has been disconnected, I can't make calls or send texts. Breaking a million promises to call and be contactable.

I am still unable to do anything work-related. I get terribly stressed when I know I have students who need me, when I need to work because I have no money. But the stress, even just thinking about it, is overwhelming to the point I cannot do anything remotely work-related.

It is coming to a point I am starting to feel desperation. What am I going to do? I am stuck.

I am supposed to restart my EMDR therapy once a fortnight again, so I can get over this.

But I wake up thinking my appointment was yesterday, and find out actually it is next week. How could I not be able to count a fortnight worth of waiting?

I am filled with trepidation just thinking of the problems I have to solve.

It is terrible to be sick amongst people who are broke.

Wit's end. I sometimes wish an aeroplane from the nearby military air-strip would accidentally fly into my building and kill us all. Far better than the feeling of death I face every time I get a panic attack, thinking my heart is going to stop. Far better than having to solve problems so I can get well, so that I can get well and solve problems. Round and round, the opposite of swift.

I can't do this anymore. Resilience can only take me this far.