I just finished typing the first of Enid's art history books and am feeling a little lost at sea. Starting on the second has not really helped so far. I feel disjointed because I have been typing in a frenzy and momentum has built up within me for productive things. I feel like I should go out but I should also save money. Yet I have no mood to do things at home such as cooking or cleaning.
I just bought a piece of cardboard on which I would like to paint a bigger picture, about 2 feet by 2 feet. At present I have not yet visualised what I will eventually paint on it. I also have a lack of space, and my easel is in Indonesia. I will also need some new brushes, a few large ones, preferably a flat one and a filbert. Perhaps I might paint it in mixed media, which means I would need to get glue and texture gel.
Maybe I ought to head to Bras Basah today. It would be therapeutic to buy my art materials, browse at Basheer. My only worry is that I would be spending money that should be saved for emergencies. I guess I had better not, I need to see the doctor tomorrow.
I could just shower, and read and snack in bed for the rest of the afternoon. It would be just as therapeutic as shopping.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
what do I want to do?
Eventually, I want to go back into working for missions.
I want to go back to PLM Indonesia. I want to set up a Singapore office which will manage the two key functions - recruiting volunteers and missionaries; fund-raising and marketing communications.
I don't know how I am going to be able to do these things, but right now, I need to get better. When I am fully recovered I will be able to do it. This is the goal, I will not deviate.
I want to go back to PLM Indonesia. I want to set up a Singapore office which will manage the two key functions - recruiting volunteers and missionaries; fund-raising and marketing communications.
I don't know how I am going to be able to do these things, but right now, I need to get better. When I am fully recovered I will be able to do it. This is the goal, I will not deviate.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
crisis
I don't think I can do this.
Going to church still scares me: the crowd, the close proximity of seats and rows, the long line in and out of the church - what if a fire breaks out? It feels like Mecca, where people might die in a stampede.
But yesterday I went to another church and it felt so much better: spacious, more than one exit. The only problem was waking up early to go, though we can always go to another service in the evening.
I don't think I can do this.
I need to find more work to cover my medical costs, and the bills. But I cannot fathom doing any more than I already am. Every expedition out the house requires medicating on my part, and a lot of psyching up. I can tolerate private teaching like I am doing now, but any sort of reintegration into society will leave me helpless like a deer caught in headlights. Already the thought of it leaves me faint - I literally feel the blood leave and shrink back from my head and my fingers and legs...
I cannot do this -
Psycho-social rehabilitation, or getting back into society.
Getting my brain to work again. I seem to have lost some of my cognitive skills, short-term memory, ability to multi-task.
Stabilising my mood. I am still irritable at times, and prone to feeling intense bouts of anger or sadness. Either that or I am so mellow I am hardly present.
Disconnecting the triggers to panic attacks - like now, writing this makes me extremely ill.
When am I ever to get well?
I still need my parents' financial support - damn the whole 'insurance doesn't cover psychiatric services' thing. They are not well-off, and I obviously have no savings, only debts. Welcome to the credit crunch. I know God will provide, but in the meantime I feel terrible.
Not only am I unable to work properly, I still find basic responsibilities like replying messages, household chores and admin much more troublesome and difficult than it ought to be. Even getting dressed is difficult.
-
Medication helps.
I feel better already.
Going to church still scares me: the crowd, the close proximity of seats and rows, the long line in and out of the church - what if a fire breaks out? It feels like Mecca, where people might die in a stampede.
But yesterday I went to another church and it felt so much better: spacious, more than one exit. The only problem was waking up early to go, though we can always go to another service in the evening.
I don't think I can do this.
I need to find more work to cover my medical costs, and the bills. But I cannot fathom doing any more than I already am. Every expedition out the house requires medicating on my part, and a lot of psyching up. I can tolerate private teaching like I am doing now, but any sort of reintegration into society will leave me helpless like a deer caught in headlights. Already the thought of it leaves me faint - I literally feel the blood leave and shrink back from my head and my fingers and legs...
I cannot do this -
Psycho-social rehabilitation, or getting back into society.
Getting my brain to work again. I seem to have lost some of my cognitive skills, short-term memory, ability to multi-task.
Stabilising my mood. I am still irritable at times, and prone to feeling intense bouts of anger or sadness. Either that or I am so mellow I am hardly present.
Disconnecting the triggers to panic attacks - like now, writing this makes me extremely ill.
When am I ever to get well?
I still need my parents' financial support - damn the whole 'insurance doesn't cover psychiatric services' thing. They are not well-off, and I obviously have no savings, only debts. Welcome to the credit crunch. I know God will provide, but in the meantime I feel terrible.
Not only am I unable to work properly, I still find basic responsibilities like replying messages, household chores and admin much more troublesome and difficult than it ought to be. Even getting dressed is difficult.
-
Medication helps.
I feel better already.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
to buy, to shop
I have a craving to go out shopping. I would like to buy a nice new water bowl for the cats (the current one often spills over because the base is not flat). I would like to go to Ikea to buy something for my mom and to stock up on candles. I would like to go to Page One even though I recently already shopped at Basheer (bought a fabulous pictorial book on the artists I usually teach, only $22.50). I need to stock up on more art materials for my students, they go through them really fast. I have run out of cleansing oil for my face, such that washing my mascara off now hurts my eyes without it. I need to buy a new electric kettle.
But I am too sedentary, too poor and unable to make simple decisions. So, I will just stay home and type...
But I am too sedentary, too poor and unable to make simple decisions. So, I will just stay home and type...
grow
Been typing my best friend E's art history texts into MS Word, and learned that Gauguin (French post-Impressionist) became an artist in his thirties, being only a hobby painter before that.
While I do not aspire to become an artist, art still feels a defining part of me. I get cravings to paint, only stopping myself sometimes because the light in my house is not suitable for night-time painting. Also, I am lazy to; art is too logistical and can be taxing. The joints in my hand hurt after a while, and cleaning up is troublesome.
I still don't understand why I have this interest and a decent measure of artistic intelligence. I am not crazy enough to live only for art, neither do I feel destined to teach it to kids, though art education has been a part of my life for much of this past decade, even now. Furthermore I am not technically qualified and have no huge desire to attain formal artistic training.
I am still floundering around, being able to do many things yet nothing all at the same time.
If I could sum up what I would like to do, it still comes to wanting to manage resources for worthy humanitarian objectives. I desire to paint, I desire to write, but I desire even more to be involved in serving communities in dire need. I desire to be busy, planning from a desk, as well as inspiring and enabling others to serve. All in all, my passion for art and writing also fits into the picture, giving me a chance to flair in directing visuals and communication. But just the thought of it all tires me out as well.
I want to start small, as I am now, and remain small, taking it slow. Which is why I am not advertising to do anything, nor am I committing to anything more at the moment. I am still at the stage where if I teach for half a day I need to rest for two days. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a man and two cats as well.
So, what I subsist now on are my interests and a hope. Necessity does not drive me, recovery does. Even if I am poor, I still need to recover. I will find out what to do along the way. It is frustrating, somewhat like watching a plant grow.
While I do not aspire to become an artist, art still feels a defining part of me. I get cravings to paint, only stopping myself sometimes because the light in my house is not suitable for night-time painting. Also, I am lazy to; art is too logistical and can be taxing. The joints in my hand hurt after a while, and cleaning up is troublesome.
I still don't understand why I have this interest and a decent measure of artistic intelligence. I am not crazy enough to live only for art, neither do I feel destined to teach it to kids, though art education has been a part of my life for much of this past decade, even now. Furthermore I am not technically qualified and have no huge desire to attain formal artistic training.
I am still floundering around, being able to do many things yet nothing all at the same time.
If I could sum up what I would like to do, it still comes to wanting to manage resources for worthy humanitarian objectives. I desire to paint, I desire to write, but I desire even more to be involved in serving communities in dire need. I desire to be busy, planning from a desk, as well as inspiring and enabling others to serve. All in all, my passion for art and writing also fits into the picture, giving me a chance to flair in directing visuals and communication. But just the thought of it all tires me out as well.
I want to start small, as I am now, and remain small, taking it slow. Which is why I am not advertising to do anything, nor am I committing to anything more at the moment. I am still at the stage where if I teach for half a day I need to rest for two days. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a man and two cats as well.
So, what I subsist now on are my interests and a hope. Necessity does not drive me, recovery does. Even if I am poor, I still need to recover. I will find out what to do along the way. It is frustrating, somewhat like watching a plant grow.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Margaret Atwood
Recently I have been chain-reading Margaret Atwood.
I first read her in Moral Disorders, a collage of short stories that centre around the same characters. It was insightful, but not extremely entertaining or inspiring.
Then I picked up Oryx and Crake, and went a little crazy about it. It reminded me of the crazy sci-fi that Murakami writes about in some of his books. Oryx and Crake is superb writing, in content and delivery alike.
I then went on to The Robber Bride, and found it amazing - the character development is excellent, so multi-facetious because the central character is a trickster who goes by many identities. By this time I realised that Atwood can write in such a wide variety, excellently. It is not easy for any writer to do such a thing, and yet she can.
Then I read Alias Grace. Also superb. Entertaining, well-written, captivating to the last paragraph. I am not usually into murder mysteries, but this one being based on a true story, and much more than just a story than it is about human behaviour.
So I went on, to Cat's Eye. Oh this book is lovely too, it is insightful like Moral Disorder, only more in-depth, and more entertaining because a novel is just so much more than short stories, which I do not like. The protagonist of Cat's Eye is an artist with my namesake; the artworks are described so perfectly I can imagine them and feel inspired as if I were walking through an art gallery.
Now I am reading The Blind Assassin, and I am not devouring it maniacally yet, but I probably will, when I can sit still enough to read it for long. I have to make this book stretch till my next shopping trip, budget allowing.
Atwood is like middle-of-the-road reading, in a good way. More entertaining than some historical fiction, more profound than most contemporary literature. She amazes with her depth and width - profound observations, genre-busting stories. If you tire of shallow books as well as difficult writing, Atwood likely has a perfect book as an in-between.
I first read her in Moral Disorders, a collage of short stories that centre around the same characters. It was insightful, but not extremely entertaining or inspiring.
Then I picked up Oryx and Crake, and went a little crazy about it. It reminded me of the crazy sci-fi that Murakami writes about in some of his books. Oryx and Crake is superb writing, in content and delivery alike.
I then went on to The Robber Bride, and found it amazing - the character development is excellent, so multi-facetious because the central character is a trickster who goes by many identities. By this time I realised that Atwood can write in such a wide variety, excellently. It is not easy for any writer to do such a thing, and yet she can.
Then I read Alias Grace. Also superb. Entertaining, well-written, captivating to the last paragraph. I am not usually into murder mysteries, but this one being based on a true story, and much more than just a story than it is about human behaviour.
So I went on, to Cat's Eye. Oh this book is lovely too, it is insightful like Moral Disorder, only more in-depth, and more entertaining because a novel is just so much more than short stories, which I do not like. The protagonist of Cat's Eye is an artist with my namesake; the artworks are described so perfectly I can imagine them and feel inspired as if I were walking through an art gallery.
Now I am reading The Blind Assassin, and I am not devouring it maniacally yet, but I probably will, when I can sit still enough to read it for long. I have to make this book stretch till my next shopping trip, budget allowing.
Atwood is like middle-of-the-road reading, in a good way. More entertaining than some historical fiction, more profound than most contemporary literature. She amazes with her depth and width - profound observations, genre-busting stories. If you tire of shallow books as well as difficult writing, Atwood likely has a perfect book as an in-between.
MIA
It has been a long while since I touched WoW, and I do miss it. But I have been unable to play because of the following reasons:
1. Because I have very little income and cannot support my WoW subscription
2. Because we have been very busy with our cats, as well as strays and abandoned kitties
3. Because I have been busy teaching
4. Because I have been busy I have to rest a lot more to recuperate
5. Because J is also no longer playing and in fact sold his account to a friend
6. Because I have also upped my commitment level to my other hobbies: reading, Scrabble, painting
7. Because I am often sick with something - allergies, panic attacks, UTI, etc.
The thing is, I miss the social aspect of it more than actually playing. Although it is fun to unleash my prowess and abilities on mobs and other players too. Maybe when finances get better I will start playing again, casually this time.
1. Because I have very little income and cannot support my WoW subscription
2. Because we have been very busy with our cats, as well as strays and abandoned kitties
3. Because I have been busy teaching
4. Because I have been busy I have to rest a lot more to recuperate
5. Because J is also no longer playing and in fact sold his account to a friend
6. Because I have also upped my commitment level to my other hobbies: reading, Scrabble, painting
7. Because I am often sick with something - allergies, panic attacks, UTI, etc.
The thing is, I miss the social aspect of it more than actually playing. Although it is fun to unleash my prowess and abilities on mobs and other players too. Maybe when finances get better I will start playing again, casually this time.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
sick sick sick
The past few days and nights of horrible sleep, coupled by my eczema (followed up from my rhinitis) and now also UTI, have made me extremely fragile. I could hardly clean up after the cats, let alone myself.
But today, armed with antibiotics from the doctor, and a whole lot of baths against the weather and the fever, I managed to do some cleaning up after them. Hopefully the kittens don't wreak too much havoc tonight.
However, I am still sick enough to have missed my doctor's appointment and out on my students. I feel bad for being ill.
And also incommunicado, because it is very tiring to reply messages.
Tonight, I hope I sleep properly.
But today, armed with antibiotics from the doctor, and a whole lot of baths against the weather and the fever, I managed to do some cleaning up after them. Hopefully the kittens don't wreak too much havoc tonight.
However, I am still sick enough to have missed my doctor's appointment and out on my students. I feel bad for being ill.
And also incommunicado, because it is very tiring to reply messages.
Tonight, I hope I sleep properly.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
tether
Another sleepless night. I can't sleep, the bed looks ominous in the dark and silence. The silence is deafening.
I haven't taken my meds properly for a few days, partly because I have run out of some of them and am only filling my prescription tomorrow. I also can't seem to get myself to eat them when I wake up, because I wake up in a daze, having slept badly the night before, hence I never actually wake up proper. I tell myself, it's fine, a day or two.
But no, it's not fine. I break down and cry and shiver, and I cannot sleep. And the darkness deafens me. I took an anti-histamine and a tranquilizer but it is not working as well as my proper meds should. The end of my prescription is the end of my tether. I feel like that Dave character in Desperate Housewives. "I am not feeling so well," he says, as he lashes out at Edie.
And so I accompany myself through the night, waiting for sleep to happen.
I could read myself to sleep, but I have just run out of new books to read.
Or I could just keep sitting here in the dark.
I haven't taken my meds properly for a few days, partly because I have run out of some of them and am only filling my prescription tomorrow. I also can't seem to get myself to eat them when I wake up, because I wake up in a daze, having slept badly the night before, hence I never actually wake up proper. I tell myself, it's fine, a day or two.
But no, it's not fine. I break down and cry and shiver, and I cannot sleep. And the darkness deafens me. I took an anti-histamine and a tranquilizer but it is not working as well as my proper meds should. The end of my prescription is the end of my tether. I feel like that Dave character in Desperate Housewives. "I am not feeling so well," he says, as he lashes out at Edie.
And so I accompany myself through the night, waiting for sleep to happen.
I could read myself to sleep, but I have just run out of new books to read.
Or I could just keep sitting here in the dark.
Monday, May 4, 2009
groan
I am a lump of lard
scratch-wounds all over
scalp in flakes
immobile, creaking
I don't feel like talking
replying messages etc.
social how-do-you-dos
tire me before I start
Teleconnectivity alienates
I sink into my books
and moon around in silence
sleeping or sleepless
I want to be alone
and rest forever
be still my nervy heart
don't die in lard.
scratch-wounds all over
scalp in flakes
immobile, creaking
I don't feel like talking
replying messages etc.
social how-do-you-dos
tire me before I start
Teleconnectivity alienates
I sink into my books
and moon around in silence
sleeping or sleepless
I want to be alone
and rest forever
be still my nervy heart
don't die in lard.
train wreck
I feel like a train wreck. I keep repeating to myself, 'train wreck, train wreck' and the the words become a poetic chant in my mouth. I really do feel like hell, for a number of reasons:
I haven't been sleeping well. Because I ran out of Remeron, mainly. I take just my regular sleeping pill, and anti-histamines even because of my recent allergies flare-up, and I still can't fall asleep until it is early morning.
Like last night, I fell asleep at some time past five a.m.
As such, I wake up feeling like half my body is creaking and rusting away, yet like a ship that has to set sail, I have to get out of bed. Creaking.
And then I head to the kitchen to find a mess there because of the cats. Crumbs, puke, fur, litter box sand.
So I tell myself, okay, I need a coffee. Makes the world seem better.
But there is no more coffee. No more coffee! Not even a sachet of instant crap that I can use as back-up when the real coffee runs out. I end up with hot chocolate.
I am also too tired, too disorganised to go to the doctor's today, which I was supposed to. I manage a postpone to tomorrow morning.
And I feel too much like a train wreck because of all this, so much so that I can hardly even rest properly for the day now that it is free.
Train wreck, train wreck.
Oh, and my eczema is still itching me.
I haven't been sleeping well. Because I ran out of Remeron, mainly. I take just my regular sleeping pill, and anti-histamines even because of my recent allergies flare-up, and I still can't fall asleep until it is early morning.
Like last night, I fell asleep at some time past five a.m.
As such, I wake up feeling like half my body is creaking and rusting away, yet like a ship that has to set sail, I have to get out of bed. Creaking.
And then I head to the kitchen to find a mess there because of the cats. Crumbs, puke, fur, litter box sand.
So I tell myself, okay, I need a coffee. Makes the world seem better.
But there is no more coffee. No more coffee! Not even a sachet of instant crap that I can use as back-up when the real coffee runs out. I end up with hot chocolate.
I am also too tired, too disorganised to go to the doctor's today, which I was supposed to. I manage a postpone to tomorrow morning.
And I feel too much like a train wreck because of all this, so much so that I can hardly even rest properly for the day now that it is free.
Train wreck, train wreck.
Oh, and my eczema is still itching me.
eww
Recently logged on to Facebook to get some word out there about the two kittens we need to find homes for, and found this thingie called 'notes' in which you can tag people, even more advanced than blog posts here. But I have no idea how to do it, so, I am old-fashioned, and like my six-year-old blog right here more.
99 things tagged by Cassandra
001. Real name → Elaine
002. Nickname(s)→ avalon, averlorn, abalone, chiam
004. Zodiac sign → Scorpio
006. Elementary School → Rosyth
007. Middle School → Ditto, Cedar
008. High School → Ditto, Anderson JC
010. Hair color → Brownish-black
011. Long or short → long
012. Loud or Quiet → depends... loud when I talk, quiet when I am not
013. Sweats or Jeans → both
014. Phone or Camera → phone = camera, but if I had to choose: camera. I hate the phone.
015. Health freak → not really
016. Drink or Smoke? → both
017. Do you have a crush on someone?→ duh
018. Eat or Drink → both
019. Piercings → none
020. Tattoos → none
FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → when I was ten. The holes have closed
024. First best friend → Huang Sijian, Joanna Tan, Julie Anne Chico
025. First award → First in English in Primary 1
026. First crush → Christopher
027. First pet → Rocky the Pomeranian
030. First big birthday → most memorable birthday as a kid was my eleventh birthday.
CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → chips
050. Drinking → orange juice
052. I'm about to → read
053. Listening to → the air con and the server - copied Cass's answer!
054. Plans for today → get money from Andy, see doctor
055. Waiting to → fall asleep, which won't be soon
YOUR FUTURE:
bleak.
WHICH IS BETTER?
068. Lips or eyes → both
070. Shorter or taller? → doesn't matter, but short is FTL
072. Romantic or spontaneous → neither
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → on a man? Arms.
074. Sensitive or loud → both
075. Hook-up or relationship → doesn't matter
076. Trouble maker or hesitant → troublemaker
HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → YES
081. Ran away from home → no
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → army knife
083. Killed somebody → duh
084. Broken someone's heart → yes, and I'm sorry
085. Been arrested → no
087. Cried when someone died → yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → not really
090. Miracles → yes
091. Love at first sight → no
092. Heaven → yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → already with him, though he's asleep.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → no such thing as happy
099. Do you believe in God → yes
100. Post as 99 truths and tag 20 people → lazy to tag
99 things tagged by Cassandra
001. Real name → Elaine
002. Nickname(s)→ avalon, averlorn, abalone, chiam
004. Zodiac sign → Scorpio
006. Elementary School → Rosyth
007. Middle School → Ditto, Cedar
008. High School → Ditto, Anderson JC
010. Hair color → Brownish-black
011. Long or short → long
012. Loud or Quiet → depends... loud when I talk, quiet when I am not
013. Sweats or Jeans → both
014. Phone or Camera → phone = camera, but if I had to choose: camera. I hate the phone.
015. Health freak → not really
016. Drink or Smoke? → both
017. Do you have a crush on someone?→ duh
018. Eat or Drink → both
019. Piercings → none
020. Tattoos → none
FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → when I was ten. The holes have closed
024. First best friend → Huang Sijian, Joanna Tan, Julie Anne Chico
025. First award → First in English in Primary 1
026. First crush → Christopher
027. First pet → Rocky the Pomeranian
030. First big birthday → most memorable birthday as a kid was my eleventh birthday.
CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → chips
050. Drinking → orange juice
052. I'm about to → read
053. Listening to → the air con and the server - copied Cass's answer!
054. Plans for today → get money from Andy, see doctor
055. Waiting to → fall asleep, which won't be soon
YOUR FUTURE:
bleak.
WHICH IS BETTER?
068. Lips or eyes → both
070. Shorter or taller? → doesn't matter, but short is FTL
072. Romantic or spontaneous → neither
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → on a man? Arms.
074. Sensitive or loud → both
075. Hook-up or relationship → doesn't matter
076. Trouble maker or hesitant → troublemaker
HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → YES
081. Ran away from home → no
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → army knife
083. Killed somebody → duh
084. Broken someone's heart → yes, and I'm sorry
085. Been arrested → no
087. Cried when someone died → yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → not really
090. Miracles → yes
091. Love at first sight → no
092. Heaven → yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → already with him, though he's asleep.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → no such thing as happy
099. Do you believe in God → yes
100. Post as 99 truths and tag 20 people → lazy to tag
Saturday, May 2, 2009
cat blog
I have a new blog, to focus on the cat-affairs that happen in my neighbourhood. J dubs it the Ubi Kuching Project - things we do to help take care of the stray cats in our neighbourhood. It also offers adoption prospects, from our neighbourhood pet shop Angels Pet Shop. (Adopt animals! Don't buy!)
It also is a place for me to talk about the cat stories that spring up, be it from the two cats we now have, or the strays that visit us. I have always loved stray animals, and till today still miss my Dog who grew up with me during my teenage years. She was a stray that found me, just like Slinky who found me when I needed her most.
Let me know if you want a kitten, or if there are people you know who are looking for a new pet cat. Visit me at Ubi Kuching Project.
It also is a place for me to talk about the cat stories that spring up, be it from the two cats we now have, or the strays that visit us. I have always loved stray animals, and till today still miss my Dog who grew up with me during my teenage years. She was a stray that found me, just like Slinky who found me when I needed her most.
Let me know if you want a kitten, or if there are people you know who are looking for a new pet cat. Visit me at Ubi Kuching Project.
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