the good side I am trying to remember

He was supportive of my ambitions.
He understood that I had to work in close proximity with my ex-boyfriend.
He supported me financially where he could.
He brought me to nice places to dine and holiday in.
Also bought me the Ferragamo bag I love.
His parents accepted me as part of the family.
He washed the dishes and tried to help me with laundry.
He fixed my lightbulbs and other handymen type of household affairs.
He was my IT man.
He was clean, didn't snore much and had very little vices.
My parents liked him while it lasted.

I guess they all had their good side. So here is C's, just to be fair. But I really don't mind losing him at all, anymore.

One thing I miss about C, is being able to read in bed next to him as he does the same.

the FACTS: Depression

"One should not quarrel with the depressed person or bring up questions of separation or divorce, as this exacerbates the depression and may contribute to suicidal thoughts."

Some people went wrong with me.

Reading this now scares me with its depth of truth and reality.

four months, pre-breakup entry in my diary

This is an au naturel entry copied straight from my notebook to here. I wrote it then, and re-read it recently, and shocked myself for not seeing the signs earlier. It might be offensive to some readers, but bear with my honesty: it was originally not meant for public audience.

First October 2007


...

I think of C and I think again of how he cannot deal with my depression. About all times he has said self-preservative cocky words like how he cannot spend his life with a depressive because he doesn't want his children to be depressed, because he needs not to be with someone who is so negative "all the time". About how he fears he will lose his career trajectory if he has to stay home to take care of a clinically depressed wife. I think about his inherent negativity displayed through anger and resentment at the world. His plastic, fake family and their disgusting matriarchal rituals and parties and Cantonese small talk and forced hellos. I think about how C hates talking about anything serious - ideas, dreams, problems in our relationship (because it is not productive to). About how I can't be myself like I am with God, with him. And how he can't seem to want to love God and know his truth and not his warped falsities from his Catholic upbringing. I hate him but I know he loves me, which is hard to find. And I feel comfortable reading in bed next to him. And we make up after every fight well enough to smooth all his fur and ruffled feathers. If I leave him I will truly be alone in this flat till I die. He is supportive of me and I do love him most of the time, just not very lovingful right now because I am still hurt by his shouting at me yesterday. If I tell him this, he will shout more, and talk about leaving me.

Plumb - Lie Low

You didn't care about me
So I packed my bags
And left you to wonder
What you could've done better
To make our love stronger
We could have lasted forever and longer

But we'll never know how good it could be
This isn't how it should be

I couldn't laugh
I couldn't cry
I couldn't waste another day
I couldn't live
I couldn't lie low any longer
I couldn't laugh
I couldn't cry
I couldn't waste another day
I couldn't live
I couldn't lie low any longer

Did you ever care about me?
I remember the time
You looked in my eyes and promised
We'd stay together
Our love would grow stronger
The storms we had weathered
Wouldn't last any longer

It could've been so good
But there was something else for me

I left C.

C came back.

C says he is weak.

E says:

i'm sorry that i seem to be regressing. i just really want to sleep more this week becos i realise i really need the rest for my health. at the expense of other things i now realise. pls dont be upset anymore.

Weak says:

i need help also. i can't care so much

Weak says:

it's affecting me

Weak says:

i'm sorry if it seems selfish

E says:

if u really would like to stop caring about me for awhile then stop caring. i want u to be okay also.

Weak says:

maybe if i'm not around you will be spurred to better yourself

E says:

if u say that then it means u really love me

Weak says:

sorry. i don't have to mental and emotional resources anymore

Weak says:

i'm in self preservation mode

Weak says:

i don't want to become self destructive

Weak says:

it seems everytime i see you i only get stressed and upset and alot of other things... i've come to associate being with you with those emotions. that can't be right

Weak says:

loving another person isn't enough. there has to be the right fit

Weak says:

you need someone who isn't affected and won't try so hard

E says:

if u really feel this way, then do what u think is best. i care about u too.

Weak says:

if you really want to be with me, you'll work at getting better

E says:

ok i will keep working at it

Weak says:

it breaks my heart to look at you in your state

Weak says:

to be in your house

Weak says:

to be around you

Weak says:

it's not that you can't help it

Weak says:

i feel you're not trying.

Weak says:

i feel that i've become your crutch and therefore your downfall

Weak says:

if you were alone or with a less caring boyfriend i think you would have been even better

Weak says:

you would have remained independant

Weak says:

and strong

Weak says:

i am weak now.

Weak says:

my strength is gone. i need to recover

E says:

okay

E says:

i wont press u or anything

Weak says:

yep.

Weak says:

even if i never see you again. i really really hope you can get better

Weak says:

you have so much potential.

E says:

i will try to be the independent and strong girl that u like

Weak says:

just be the elaine that i first met

Weak says:

the one who takes bus to CITI

Weak says:

i don't know what else to say.

Weak says:

we shouldn't be talking right now. i'm not going to be a very good motivator

E says:

i dont care if u are a good motivator or not at this point. thats not why we r talking.

Weak says:

just get better

Weak says:

take care of yourself

Weak says:

be someone i can be proud of. even if it's only if i hear about it from someone else

Weak says:

be someone who will be able to support your parents

Weak says:

be a source of strength

Weak says:

be true to yourself. but also recognise that to do that, you sometimes need to do stuff that makes you feel otherwise. because you are doing it to obtain the mains to achieve your true goal

Weak says:

you don't arrive at the end

Weak says:

you arrive at the start

Weak says:

and walk to the end

Weak says:

remember that

Weak says:

i know i haven't been nice to be with recently. i'm sorry for that. but it's the pain and frustration bubbling over.

Weak says:

and i feel i can't be with you

Weak says:

until all this foaming emotion goes away.... and you get better.... that's even more important...

Weak says:

i just don't feel like you are even putting in effort

Weak says:

and i feel like if i stay. you will not have the motivation to do so

Weak says:

i know this sounds like a load of crock

Weak says:

but i swear it's the truth.

Weak says:

i will try to get on with my own life... you should get on with yours....

Weak says:

if we cross paths again. so be it. i won't be avoiding you

E says:

i dont feel i will get better if u are gone.

Weak says:

well you gotta try

E says:

wat is the use if u are not going to be around anymore.

Weak says:

because you got to live for yoursefl

E says:

u r the only sure thing in my life right now and even that will be gone

Weak says:

don't guilt me

Weak says:

i will not be guilted

E says:

im not

E says:

just telling u how i feel.

Weak says:

it's the problem of the chicken and the egg

E says:

ok ok

Weak says:

you get better you're not a source of pain and drain for me

Weak says:

i know this sounds like i'm fair weather

Weak says:

but i think after 3 years of this. i gotta tell you

Weak says:

i'm scared ok

Weak says:

and it's not like i didn't tough it out

Weak says:

scared for MY future and our future if we had stayed together

Weak says:

endless arguments

Weak says:

divorce

Weak says:

child with 2 homes

Weak says:

no way i'm going to let that happen

Weak says:

sorry. i've reached the end of my tether

Weak says:

anyway... i know you're probably going to see me in the worse possible light.

Weak says:

as someoen who abandoned you in your time of need.

Weak says:

i'm afraid i can't do anything about that... in a sense that's true i guess. but i can for see it will not have ended well anyway... regardless.. i'm not strong enough for your needs.

Weak says:

anyway... enough words.... take care.... make sure you eat.... and keep healthy

E says:

i will go get something to eat soon

Weak says:

good

E says:

i really love u

Weak says:

i feel the same way about you.

Weak says:

it hurts too much

take shit

When I was working in a bank, my personal motto was, "Shit happens, but that is why we are overcomers." C, when he first met me, said that I said this statement with utter conviction, that he believed I must have gone through many problems and came out of them on top.


I have not been angry at anyone for a very long time, I suppose my health has improved for it too. So in a sense, shit has hardly been happening. I don't think I have been cured of my anger, I just think career change happened, which traded my anger for sadness and hope and expectation.


And no I hardly ever get angry with C, even though I spend so much time with him. I don't really know sometimes which one is really me: the one who gets angry easily, or the one who hardly ever does. If C is my soulmate, then the one I am in front of him must be the real me, no? C is sensible so he hardly ever incenses me. We all know some standard things that piss me off: lack of clarity, pride, broken English, etc. C is none of these.


At the peak of my anger problems I told C what I researched and found out. We realised we both have the same problems and that was why our anger flows easily. I can take C's anger. I hardly ever get angry back, for some reason. He asks, when he is in his pensive moods, why I seem to take his shit, no one else can.


Maybe I have some horrid martyr complex. I set up a capacity for shit-taking in myself everyday, and it gets filled up, by C or otherwise, and sometimes it overflows, but till then all is well.


But I am getting tired of it.

update on project: trying to gain bf rep(utation)

Have you been hanging in the air, waiting for me to respond to something in an elaine-way, anything, anything at all? Nah. Pardon me for being an ego-maniac.


Taking on playing WoW has consumed my rest time and thus my writing and online chat time. Much of the time I spend on a computer during my non-work hours, are on the other PC. Hence the ignored IMs and the lack of blogging or reading online.


I am not as fanatic as C, I maintain. Today before the timer set on our server's maintenance, he was Warlord Karale. (Never mind if you don't play and you don't understand.)


But these I do:


I eat my meals at the computer sometimes.

I dream of WoW, as I do any game I play for long. Even Scrabble or Literati.

I no longer get bored.

I play even when I am ill, albeit I rest eventually, I am not that madly mad.

I talk to C about the game; previously he talked to me about the game and I just absorbed the theoretical information I was gaining.

I wish they didn't have to shut down the server for maintenance on a night both C and I are sick and we are in our own respective homes instead of being ritually together on a Tuesday night.

I learn and use a ton of even more acronyms and such that compose the dictionary of gamers than I already did being a gamer's girlfriend.

C and I have lesser tension between us because he no longer feels guilty for coming over and just playing on his laptop, we play together on different computers and still get to spend time together, somewhat. Previously he would get angry and guilty if I asked him to do other things with me. We all know guilty men make angry men and thus upset girls, so this is a great boon to our relationship.

Playing together with C over the last weekend at my house gave us the 'holiday' feeling, and we need not even have to step into horrible town areas to do stupid things like squeeze with people in lifts to get to the cinema. If we keep this up, it means we get the 'holiday' weekend feeling more often and we will no longer feel as stressed and un-recharged for work.

I have some neutral understanding but am still bewildered by how much people can play and how little they can sleep and yet still function like normal adults.


Let's see how it goes.

at C's

Good things about being at C's house while he is busying himself with WOW and I have no book to read for now:

1. Dinners. Food at C's is always fabulous because his maid and his mom cook very well. They have a hard-copy collection of recipes. C's mom's family is in the restaurant business. Gourmet dinners almost all the time. Today we had pineapple rice, spicy chicken chops, gyoza or woh-tit, veggies (kai lan), old cucumber soup. Gourmet to me.


2. Showers are nice (when I have everything I need) because the bathroom is rather hotel-standard.


3. Cable television, which until right now I haven't thought about succumbing to. Yet.

I have dined (although still a bit hungry), and I have showered. Yeah.

of addicts and geeks

So anyway yeah I'm a reading addict: I have March issues of Style, Elle and Her World, and borrowed 2 art-related books from the library as well as daily read off bloglines and etc. I am a reading geek. But Calvin is uber geek: he reads scientific calculator manuals - at least he says he attempts to - as well as pores over the manuals of his new computer parts:

PSU: Silverstone zeus 560w
CPU: AMD Opteron 175
Motherboard: MSI K8N Neo4 Platinum
Ram: 2x 1gig Kingston DDR400
Graphics: Sapphire ATI 1900xtx
Harddisks: 2x 250gb sata 2 Western Digital 16mb cache (raid 0)
CD: Pioneer DVD RW
Audio: Creative Soundblaster Audigy2 OEM
Misc: Gigabyte Galaxy Watercooling.

I posed for the camera holding the freaking graphics card which the guys at the shop were loot-wanking over - and I had no idea what in the world it was I was holding. The picture turned up on hwz forum for a moment before the server had some problems and erased the post among others.

So, C the uber geek. He says he can run two games at the same time, and his character Jorale looks really good on his computer, what with the 17 inch LG LCD tv monitor and all. If this were MSN, I would put the nerd smile 8-| emoticon now. And now I return to my girlie mags and perhaps another beer.

Cal's 5 weird habits

As observed by elaine


1. He doesn't like to use the toilet when it is wet, except when it is just to pee or when it's shower time.

2. He uses a piece of tissue or toilet paper as a bookmark.

3. He brushes his teeth in front of the computer.

4. He does not like being shirtless not even when at home or to bed.

5. He does not like to drink water or eat in the morning until he has brushed his teeth. What ever happened to good ol' dentists' advice?

geek test

Calvin's score for this test:
25.44379% - Total Geek



I love geeks.

calvin's desktop things

1. mineral water bottles
2. melatonin
3. vitamin B
4. can of tennis balls
5. posb statement
5. tea tree oil
6. ventolin inhaler
7. coins
8. box of girl guides cookies
9. bibles
10. packet of biscuits
11. watch with dead batteries
12. model of aeroplane A380
13. moisturiser
14. dictionary
15. headphones - 2 sets
16. digital camera
17. double sided tape
18. clarins men shampoo
19. NSmen magazine, unopened
20. empty package of gilette power 3 shaver
21. tissue paper packet
22. tissue paper boxes
23. vitamin c
24. screwdriver
25. medicines
26. large book titled 'milestones of aviation'
27. waist pouch
28. cd-rack
29. toner
30. box of ultracarbon tablets
31. 02 mini
32. wallet
33. xray films
34. readers' digest
35. portable external hdd

fat cat

My silly Calvin, red with drink, with the fattest cat ever at Kelly's house party. The girls were jealous, and the cat was feeling damn shiok.

About C

There is no mystery,
No fairy tale -
Just a breath of living air

I have no fantasy
of medieval proportions

Because he is - here.




Something so mighty that feels so ordinary, not necessary poetry material - more like life-material. Even after so long, I still get the tummy-tickles about this knight in shining armour.


(sidenote: the one in subservience is the one in power, hence the knight/maiden analogy shows you who's who, never be mistaken!)


No fairy tales, no nightmares. Just peace and quiet knowledge that I am loved everyday - God is for me indeed, no doubt. Goodbye to the angry sweaty nights.


One day I will write more about this knight I love. Human for certain, but so real that I know him as if since the year 1979, so human because of all his weaknesses, but unconditional-love-thread from Father God entwines us humanly.

C

have I mentioned this before:

I really like this guy Calvin.

Takes my breath away.

this one's for mine and the mass appeal

Come on, I know you enjoy seeing silly photographs too, it is not just lit that is hip anymore. Here's Calvin and me. Aren't we goofy?

Why so

I solved the mystery.

I always wondered why I felt differently about C than I did about many others who once existed.

C is all the right things, and he is evolving into someone better every moment. I am convinced in my mind that he is a good boy and I want this one for sure. God said to me , 'Do you respect my decision?' and I said yes of course, and opened my eyes, to see C asleep next to me in my bed. I felt all the right things in 1 Corinthians about love, that I truly love him not because of any pre-conditions per se, but because he is who he is, and all else is not very important anymore.

In my trembling heart, there was but stillness. This is unfamiliar to me when I am in love. For sure, I am in love with this boy. Mad about him. I am just not as delirious as I thought I ought to be.

Now I know why.

I am happily in love. Not unhappily in love. Not in want, nor in neglect, nor in unsatisfied lust and longing for a soulmate.

All that sadness I carried with me, propelled me to become mad with desire, and drove me to to write as a gift-wrapped release of my unspoken thoughts.

I am happy. At last, I found it. Now, I can start my life anew, and write about this love I have had for a year. Something that I may dare to believe, will last till one of us leaves this earth for heaven to meet with Father God.

Everything that is falling short, madness and love unrequited, is H is sadness is not love. It was a fake, and not my loss. And this lack of delirium, is something I will have to get used to, because suddenly, I no longer want to be mad.