work

It is a skill to surgically examine the reasons why one does not look forward to work the following day. On the surface it could be a variety of seemingly normal reasons: laziness, boredom, a search for something greater, not enough rest, whatever.

For me, all those reasons masqueraded as the truth for a while. A few distractory slaps on myself later, the feeling of being sian about work remains. One might think this feeling happens to all, yes, that is true. But for me, who believes that work is pleasure and fulfilling and a ministry to people, a declaration of love, a sian feeling slams me down harder. It makes me question why I feel terrible, even if in the slightest. I should not be feeling this way about something I love.

Usually I will think it is my fault. I am too soft, too easily distracted, too un-focused. I would almost believe that it is me, my fault, my weakness. Probably partly true. And those who like to heartily chastise me will heartily agree. I am an unromantic philanderer at heart.

But I have searched and realised that one reason why I feel this way is the entrance of a new party, a head, a driver. And I fear he will drive my boss down or away. Or become another lid on my career. Or both. While his character takes time to be fully revealed to us, while we need time for everyone to become inclined to being taught and led by him, so far many things have already been rubbed the wrong way, even if these things didn't involve me but the people I love around me in my team.

This somehow bodes a clamp down on my sense of freedom. And lack of freedom impedes me. Creates noise such that I cannot think, and function.

It is not only the new him, but also the one I cursed to die lately - unfortunately still alive - that adds to my feeling of impediment to freedom.

Sure, I can drown out the noise, and escape from it, by working in early mornings and late nights, when no one will bother you much. But I have no energy to. Every late night, be it work or leisure, is slowly killing me.

I quote Banana Yoshimoto's protatgonist in N.P.:

"It was early evening, the time to switch on the lamps and chase away the dark blue light that creeps into the house. Nowadays I didn't really have a clear head until very late afternoon, rather like an alcoholic. I'd watch the streetlights float up in the growing darkness on the hilly residential streets. I'd have a beer, and then realize it was a new day, and that I have been going about my daily business just like everyone else. Only then did I wake up."

That is how I feel. I am too tired, and mornings are the worst. I have figured that the best time for me to sleep every night, to wake without a feeling of about-to-die the next day, is at 9 or 10 in the evening. That is impossible, because of work and a relationship. Hence, I feel terrible every morning, till afternoon.

I write this because I want to solve the problem, however small it may seem to you. I need to recreate the meadowy feel that my work - my playground - has to bring to me for me to function. I need to function in the mornings, or get around my daytimes' unclear head.