I am sorry I haven't written.
I think I am not too sad now. I think my moods are stabilising. Even if I do skip a dose of anti-depressants here and there, I can still be normal, just a bit irritable or mildly unhappy, but not in such a debilitating manner. I can still cope. I will stick on them and refill my prescriptions for the next few months. I think I am a nicer person when on them.
My anxiety is however not getting all that completely better. I managed to get over my constant panic attacks through talking to my resident psychologist friend Mona (superb counsel, free-of-charge!) But now instead of living with panic attacks, I live with a perpetual chest tightness and heart palpitations. When I wake, when I walk, when I am about to sleep. As such, I sleep poorly. I just carry my tightness with me all day long.
I cannot sleep at night, even if I sleep little the day before, or wake early. Or drink herbal tea, take Valerian root, read, or listen to jazz in soft lighting.
I told my parents. They worried about me, but supported me, celebrated my birthday for me, and gave me huge ang-pow for it too. Thinking about my tiramisu cake, and the money my mom gave me, make me so touched I tear up. My twenty-eighth birthday is probably the best twenties birthday I have had in my life.
And I got a job. It is a long story which I have been repeating, as such I will tell the story of that another time. But I am blessed. I start in December.
I have been shopping a lot, on my card. Mammoth cartloads of books, and new suits and clothes for work. C paid for a pair of shoes for me, and I think I will drag him to Coach for a new tote I need, as my birthday gift.
I hope I get better. My life has become as dusty as my house. Everything lies in wait for me.
I'm not a stalker okay?
ReplyDeletehope u feel better...
ReplyDeletegal... glad you are getting better. does the chest pains go away, when you do deep breathing? sometimes we feel those physiological symptoms because we are hypervigilant and do a lot of self-scanning. you know, the concept of if you keep very quiet in the room, you can hear sounds that you never realised were there (like the air-con humming). so you may need to do some self-distraction things so that you dont focus too much on your body. deep-breathing/ imagery/ muscle relaxation techniques should help.
ReplyDeletethanks suzzoo and turtle.
ReplyDeleteThe hypervigilance theory works on me. I stopped having serious panic attacks since you told me about it. I just 'live' with the chest pains but they are better now.
My next problem is that I get horribly irritable and angry and mad when I get off my antidepressants for say, two days. Horribly uncontrollable.
maybe can feedback the chest pains to your doc to check for organic causes. ya, you rightly figured out that its not wise to skip dosages for the antidepressants. need to be consistent for the pills to have maximum effectiveness. i know its a chore to take them and you cant wait to be weaned off them, but patience will aid in faster recovery. =)
ReplyDeletemedication can work wonders. i saw it for myself. rem my suicidal client whom i fretted over a few weeks back? he was admitted to imh and given medication. just saw him yesterday. he looked so much better and happier. i feel happy for his progress.
Hope u are taking ur medication regularly and more than that, hope u are feeling much better...
ReplyDelete<3<3 !!!
ReplyDeleteHugs :)
ReplyDelete