8 random facts about me (that you don't already know)

via my topography, even though I wasn't tagged!

1. My primary daily mode of transport is by cab. I only take the bus when I am early, or not tired, or when I leave work early. Hardly ever the case.
2. I like to keep things to myself. Though it is not healthy, it is often that I am busy or they are.
3. My main musical pleasures lately are Stellar, music from anime, and the song from Be With You.
4. My favourite anime is officially Naruto! It is the only anime that can make me laugh and cry and make me think about the importance of the values of community, leadership and friendship.
   
5. I haven't cleaned my house in a long time. Because I have no time. The floor is sandy and the toilet is dirty.
6. Uniforms, or beachwear, do it for some ladies. I like my men in suits and corporate attire. Give me men in tailored suits, silk ties, french-collared, embroidered shirts with cufflinks any day.
   
7. I shop like a boy sometimes - in, pick, try, buy, out - especially since I have very little time to shop, and I don't like being in town on weekends.
   
8. I need a calculator to do simple math likes 24+7, 4X17 etc.

Okay, now you.

statements of the week

Listening to anime music teleports my consciousness into a dreamy world of goodness.

On Sundays, time seems to stop for a moment.

Any job that does not require weekend-burning and daily evening beers is not worth doing.

Feedback, while appreciated and necessary, will not always be accepted.

Let's call it a day.

I wish I could keep on writing. The night is always too short, the days too long. I want to indulge in the romance of words and beer and the night. An escape from life, by dipping into life alternative. I don't want to wake up. Time should stop right here, with unending supply of books, words and beer in the fridge. I don't want to wake up.

evolution

Evolution, and deviation. Do we evolve for the better, or deviate from our divine purposes?

Something has been bothering me. It is nothing overly philosophical, just plain. I am thinking about how people, organisations, human relationships, turn away from their intended raison d'etres. Like children being born and dying, like Christians backsliding, like the unworthy truimph of evil over good, like breaking promises, like walking out on a best friend, like becoming material instead of holy, like the long winter in Narnia; all one and the same.

- It really breaks my heart

Such is as good as death of dreams. I am just too jaded to cry.
Is this just reality causing us to evolve from our purposes for the better,
or just deviation because we got lost since the initial dream?

Twenty Questions: How Do I Know If I'm A Workaholic?

---

Via Tym.

1. Do you get more excited about your work than about family or anything else?
2. Are there times when you can charge through your work and other times when you can't?
3. Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
4. Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?
5. Do you work more than 40 hours a week?
6. Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures?
7. Do you take complete responsibility for the outcome of your work efforts?
8. Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time?
9. Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won't otherwise get done?
10. Do you underestimate how long a project will take and then rush to complete it?
11. Do you believe that it is okay to work long hours if you love what you are doing?
12. Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?
13. Are you afraid that if you don't work hard you will lose your job or be a failure?
14. Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going very well?
15. Do you do things energetically and competitively including play?
16. Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing your work in order to do something else?
17. Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships?
18. Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking?
19. Do you work or read during meals?
20. Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?

If you answer "yes" to three or more of these questions you may be a workaholic. Relax. You are not alone.

Many have found recovery through the tools of this fellowship.

Update:

Here are my answers:

1. Do you get more excited about your work than about family or anything else? No. I don't have very much else.
2. Are there times when you can charge through your work and other times when you can't? Yes. It is called exhaustion.
3. Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation? Yes.
4. Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most? No. I don't really like to talk that much nowadays.
5. Do you work more than 40 hours a week? Yes. (Who doesn't?! Stupid question).
6. Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures? No. I don't have very many hobbies.
7. Do you take complete responsibility for the outcome of your work efforts? Yes.
8. Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time? No. I don't meet them very much.
9. Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won't otherwise get done? Yes.
10. Do you underestimate how long a project will take and then rush to complete it? No.
11. Do you believe that it is okay to work long hours if you love what you are doing? Yes. Absolutely.
12. Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work? Yes.
13. Are you afraid that if you don't work hard you will lose your job or be a failure? Yes.
14. Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going very well? No.
15. Do you do things energetically and competitively including play? No.
16. Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing your work in order to do something else? No.
17. Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships? No. Erm, not really.
18. Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking? Yes.
19. Do you work or read during meals? Yes.
20. Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life? Yes.

Score: 11/20

invisible propositions

"I would like to, but by doing so we would ruin the lives of many who are close to us." He never did ask, but I know that the prospect crossed both our minds many times before tonight. I let him return home alone, and myself to mine, but voiced that reply in my mind to my imagination. Within the rifts of my mind, reels of reality and foregone conclusions set the tone amidst the surreal. It is a strange attraction, inexplicable, and completely temporal - he would say the same.

For now, sleep evades me. I think about the common things we share: memories of lonely moments, of agreed romantic melancholy.

Isn't life like a trap sometimes? But we want to do the right thing, and I'll let wonder linger till it becomes no more. Like dream petals summoned for a spell, and disappeared into the ground after. Charm is transient bullshit, good for a moment, good for nothing.

It doesn't feel anything more than charm and shared shreds of affiliation in life. I am too mellow to feel anything more about anything, anyone, not even the loves of my life. Ecstasy has become lukewarmth, fuzzy feelings have turned into mere quiet smiles, the sex of my life has become a boat ride. Yet the invisible propositions surface in my mind, surfacing just on charm and affiliation.

I have a book addiction, if you haven't already realised:


I spend enough on books to rival blink-of-an-eye Nine West shoes and Clinique skincare purchases.

My house is messy with books lying almost everywhere.

I think a lot about what I read.

latest Murakami

I have never really liked short stories. Most people who love reading as much as I do, don't like short stories - they are too, short!

But really, I had felt all along that short stories were more of an effort to show off literarily, rather than to expound on life and philosophy through beautiful language. It feels like a shortcut to actual writing; much like blogging. The easy answer out. Great for speedy English improvement if you have an English examination coming up. O' Henry's shorties did it for me nearing my O level exams.

My opinion about short stories changes with the introduction to Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman.

Murakami opines in his introduction to the book, that he enjoys writing short stories. (Thanks for the book, Kel)! A short story begins with, what I call a 'traffic-light moment', what he calls 'the smallest details'. His short stories paved the way for the novels he has written. Perhaps without the short stories, there would never be any Norwegian Wood, no Murakami as he is today.

Which makes me wonder if After Dark was originally meant to be a short story, a little bit mistakenly expanded into the length of a novel.

Now I think I will pick up the shorties in his collection to read, that I haven't already.

And in fact, re-think the traffic light moments in my life, and think about the beauty of the short story in every one of them. Blogging and the like really isn't that lowly a writing activity after all.

Be With You

I just finished watching Be With You on DVD, otherwise known as Ima, Ai ni Yukimasu. A very nice film, if you like Japanese literature ala Haruki Murakami and such about metaphysical and romance.

Here is a song from the soundtrack with clips of the movie within its MTV:

Orange Range- Hana from isaku86 and Vimeo.

moving, tired

I am too old and tired especially by nineish, ten, at nights. I go through days and nights like a zombie, struggling to keep alive-awake.

My usual anaesthesia does not alleviate: Books, despite being yummy, are momentary. Beer is out of the question because I am sick. Hey, that's right. I am sick, hence I should be resting. But life goes on, and (too much) medical leave makes me feel useless. And life goes on.

- It is like being in a crowd, feeling claustrophobic, yet not wanting to be alone without being shrouded by other people. And the crowd moves on, with you in it.

investing in friendships

Someone once disagreed with me on that term: to invest in something meant that you hoped to get a return on your investment. How could one use the term 'investment' on friendships?


A debatable issue, but not my point of contention at the moment. Whichever way, it means putting in heart, time, money and effort.


- Effort is my biggest stumbling block.


I am so tired and lacklustre, and I am a homebody. Plus I have a bit of a one-track mind like a guy. Read: I hardly like to go out, people tire me out; I would rather be at home relaxing. And when I work I hardly think of much else.


And some are not really worth being called E's friends anymore.


I might have really high standards for my friends, I probably scare people away, and maybe intentionally too. Actually all I ask for, is for people to understand me and love me the same, to need me and respect my point of view. Which the people who are my friends, fiercely do. These are really base things - who wants friends who do not understand them, loves them only during good times, moves on without them, and thrashes their viewpoints aside? Makes perfect sense, ain't it.


Recently my boss made a statement. She finds herself closer to the people at work than she does to those in her cell group at church. Since I work in a Christian organisation, both cultures are Christian, hence, it is not a religious issue we are comparing about.


I completely agreed with her on that point, because I feel the same way too. We tell the people at work, that to us, work is our ministry, our job is a calling. And these people, our colleagues, supposed mere work-mates, will completely understand, because they feel the same way. People who don't understand are simply caught up with other things. To them, ministry is in church, work is just 'working to please God'. When I mention a career change to these church-mates, it is just that - a career change. But it is not. It is a breaking process. I only share that much, and the people I work with in the same office, will agree - one will call it 'surrendering', the other will use my own words and agree with me on them.


Actually my church-mates' lack of understanding was something I thought was my fault, for a long time. Being an anti-social who hardly trusts anyone enough to confide, I felt it was me who had to change, in order for me to belong to the group once again. So I tried, and failed by my standards, walking away extremely hurt even by the smallest of gestures, to the point it seemed almost unbelievable. It isn't their fault either, so it was mine, I thought.


Then one night a long time back, I shared this stumbling block with my colleague, and she said, "Don't you think there is something wrong with this picture? Your church is supposed to be your support network." Et cetera. All true. Church is like a spiritual family. Just like friends, guilds, etc, are your social networks. "But, it is me who has to change, to open up, right? Why is it when I try, I get hurt so badly, even though they do nothing wrong?"


But when I give her more background information, like, how I prayed for God to send me for two church mission trips last year, and I ended up only going for one, she says to me, that, combined with everything else I said, is a sign that this is no longer a place for me. It is not my fault. It is just His way of showing me the next part of the journey. I don't think she has any malicious intent when she says so.


I refused to see things her way completely, at first. It may not seem so to some, but I am the faithful and committed sort. I don't make big decisions flippantly. But, though this has taken me long enough, I have decided to adopt her point of view. It agrees with me, and makes sense now. Time to re-invest.


As for me, what can I change, and still be me? A disastrous question to ask. I don't think I should blame myself anymore for being the way I am. I will however, take more effort to appreciate the people I have around me, new and old alike.

work

It is a skill to surgically examine the reasons why one does not look forward to work the following day. On the surface it could be a variety of seemingly normal reasons: laziness, boredom, a search for something greater, not enough rest, whatever.

For me, all those reasons masqueraded as the truth for a while. A few distractory slaps on myself later, the feeling of being sian about work remains. One might think this feeling happens to all, yes, that is true. But for me, who believes that work is pleasure and fulfilling and a ministry to people, a declaration of love, a sian feeling slams me down harder. It makes me question why I feel terrible, even if in the slightest. I should not be feeling this way about something I love.

Usually I will think it is my fault. I am too soft, too easily distracted, too un-focused. I would almost believe that it is me, my fault, my weakness. Probably partly true. And those who like to heartily chastise me will heartily agree. I am an unromantic philanderer at heart.

But I have searched and realised that one reason why I feel this way is the entrance of a new party, a head, a driver. And I fear he will drive my boss down or away. Or become another lid on my career. Or both. While his character takes time to be fully revealed to us, while we need time for everyone to become inclined to being taught and led by him, so far many things have already been rubbed the wrong way, even if these things didn't involve me but the people I love around me in my team.

This somehow bodes a clamp down on my sense of freedom. And lack of freedom impedes me. Creates noise such that I cannot think, and function.

It is not only the new him, but also the one I cursed to die lately - unfortunately still alive - that adds to my feeling of impediment to freedom.

Sure, I can drown out the noise, and escape from it, by working in early mornings and late nights, when no one will bother you much. But I have no energy to. Every late night, be it work or leisure, is slowly killing me.

I quote Banana Yoshimoto's protatgonist in N.P.:

"It was early evening, the time to switch on the lamps and chase away the dark blue light that creeps into the house. Nowadays I didn't really have a clear head until very late afternoon, rather like an alcoholic. I'd watch the streetlights float up in the growing darkness on the hilly residential streets. I'd have a beer, and then realize it was a new day, and that I have been going about my daily business just like everyone else. Only then did I wake up."

That is how I feel. I am too tired, and mornings are the worst. I have figured that the best time for me to sleep every night, to wake without a feeling of about-to-die the next day, is at 9 or 10 in the evening. That is impossible, because of work and a relationship. Hence, I feel terrible every morning, till afternoon.

I write this because I want to solve the problem, however small it may seem to you. I need to recreate the meadowy feel that my work - my playground - has to bring to me for me to function. I need to function in the mornings, or get around my daytimes' unclear head.