I am not sure what to write anymore. I am unexcitable, if I may take the liberty to make a new word for the state that I am.
I have imprisoned myself at home so that I will feel safe, and like all institutionalised members - of prisons, asylums - I do not want to be free, the idea of the vast spaces of freedom scares me. I would rather stay in and do familiar things, even then, only things that I can muster strength to do, and then in pleasure, only extreme things like gorging on chocolates or ice-cream. Otherwise I find things to clean in the house that I can bear to.
I don't feel like painting, writing, or playing music.
What I would like, is to buy some fresh flowers and candles to put in the house, to further encase the comfort of my home which I will barely even leave. But I have no spare cash at the moment for such unnecessities. To solve the problem I browse the Ikea catalogue.
There is nothing else I can do to solve the problem. I am far from able to work even though I try and I want to rehabilitate myself. I think of what a weakling others must brand me, for not working, and I cannot seem to rationalise to myself that I ought to take it slow. My actions prove indeed that I am slow, but I feel unease about the fact that I am not moving along faster than I am now.
When will I be free? I am not sure, but I am not sure either that I want to be free. Prison sentence, or simply a furlough, either way it is safety, and I want to cherish it.
Now, perhaps a spot of chamomile tea, and an enjoyment of post-rain coolness tonight.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteStill remember me?
The gal who called you for 'help' when I was in my early twenties and late teens. Well, I was in the exact same position as you but of course no two people are exactly alike. i couldn't work, slept all the time, missed my examinations, avoid meeting friends and lost interest in all my hobbies etc etc. I still remembered I was sacked by a few employers because I couldn't be punctual and forgot very very simple to-do-tasks and I was called under-achiever and slow!!! All my life I was in top classes and got distinctions until I became really depressed in junior College, Nobody called me slow before. For awhile I started to believe in what other people say about me because I just do not have any energy to prove myself otherwise. Furthermore I was so poor that I couldn't see doc, did not have enough food to eat and pay bills. On top of that I have difficult parent who expect me to be 'normal'. In order to conceal my real problems, I also told lies and perhaps lost friends and trust but I meant no harm. Appearance wise, I dressed sloppily but didn't realised, grew fat and unhealthy... Miserable years I must say.
Over the years I just gained experiences in overcoming key problems in myself and slowly stretching myself (mostly in my thinking patterns) to do what makes me feel good.
One thing that help me get better is actively searching for resources to 'help' myself and overthrow ideals and fixed thinking from myself and what others may subconsciously put on me.
Now I can finally say I am happy and excited to pursue my interests.
At least whenever I feel down again I know what steps to take to feel good again. It just get better as time goes by...