Am drugged enough to be sleepy, but unable to fall asleep. Bedtime is lonely-time - the quiet, the darkness, the lack of activity to keep my mind away from things. I will keep trying to Su Doku myself to sleep.

I am in the midst of a panic attack. At this very moment. My chest hurts like hell, my fingers feel detached from my body, my breathing shallow, my head feels light. I am trying my best to act normal while all this is going on. I might faint but will hang on till then. I have run out of the correct medication to take to prevent this from happening.

I haven't even had a proper panic attack for a long time but it has been tumultuous for me and thus my panic attacks return.

I think I just lost my ability to speak. Just like old times, when I lose my voice in the way a foetus is unable to cry in its womb.

Writing about my life is nothing glorious, but I have been doing for a long time, on this blog for the past seven years, on paper even longer. Right now I am writing because I can't, for the nth number of nights in a row, get to sleep despite my medication. I am sleepy yet awake, sheer discomfort that is.

Just those two lines, a preface to an attempt to produce coherent lyrical words, douses my insomnia somewhat already. But, a preface to what? There is nothing to produce words about.

What I would rather do right now is play the piano but I don't have one. I have been playing my guitar madly, figuring out the chords to songs I can sing to, but my playing has not improved much.

I am now going to try and drown myself to sleepiness by playing more Sudoku. Goodnight world.

ginger tea

A numb buzz.
Flitting heavily
About, without
Ricochet-recoil
The rounds are spent.

I wake asleep.
Creaminess rouses
in coffee and cigs -
meds in between -
I trudge, daily.

Chores, them all.
Damn life, damn all
Step-one-two,
milestones, blah,
Things that make sense -

Perhaps, - else:
Others, newness,
ginger tea like,
unceasing, or,
Anything to enjoy the day,

This dreadful day,
as are all others
the sun should stay
away from me,
make peace with death.

More tea perhaps,
a panacea, as is
alcohol, but
I've med up, so no
Just ginger tea now -

To settle my nerves
stomach and heart
to add spice to the - day-
and life to the dark.
Will put the kettle on.