I am sorry for my behaviour the past few weeks.
Alarmingly impulsive. I tried smoking (no I didn't really smoke but I acted like I did). I cut myself. I was high on Xana*x and alcohol. I took sleeping pills even in the day if I didn't drink. I overdosed on meds, twice. I broke up with Calvin. I used others to hurt him on purpose. I had no self-love. I was ecstatic or hysterical. I screamed. At people. In my house alone. I was crazy.
I don't remember a lot of things I did, were did to me, I said, or was said to me. I don't remember puking in my bathroom. I don't remember my suicidal threats. I don't remember my seductions and propositions.
Pardon my behaviour, that really wasn't the real me.
I was in so much hurt and pain and physical despair, I really wanted to die.
But I am still on meds. I cannot live med-free at the moment, just like I cannot be left alone. I am just sorry for all the scares and scathes I might have inflicted on anyone who was in contact with me the past two weeks.
Firstly, you are not scary. There are things that went beyond your control and you were trying your very best to deal with it. Just that at that point in time, the pain, the hurt and the emotions were so intense that your mind couldn't think of other options. Secondly, those who love and care for you are more than glad to have you around. That effectively takes away anything they feel about what happened. Take your time to recover. I believe the people around you all want you to be well and will do our best to bring the "real" you back. No matter what happens, know that you have, are and will always be much loved. - D W
ReplyDeleteThanks DW. You have no idea how valuable these words are to me and how beautiful.
ReplyDelete