Staying awake in the day makes me feel like shit. My mom persuades me every day to find a fun job to do, like working in a shop. What makes her feel that is fun for me? I will not be able to bear it. The thought of working in a confined space, with people coming in and out, makes me want to well up and cry. I will fear work every day, not even dressing up will help me overcome the dread I often feel about going out of the house. I don't know how to change her mind that I am not ready.

Doctor says that maybe I need more time for the new higher dose of Tegradol to kick in. I have to wait. If I feel down for more than three days it is significant. Today is day three. After today if I don't feel any better I need stuff to 'tide me over'. I am tired of feeling useless and being useless. I don't want the tears to return.

This is bigger than me. You know that right?

I don't feel like doing anything: gaming, watching DVDs, reading my new books and magazines. I just want to sleep and stop crying. Or cry until everything is okay. But I know it won't be okay.