Wednesday, July 30, 2008

short stories on love

I often feel like the woman at the well. Every relationship ends eventually, until the idea of marriage, after trying it five times, becomes too much of a chore. She turns cynical and merely lives together with her current man instead.

I also often think, that the men that pass through my life, go on to greater things. Behind every successful man was one woman in his past, and I am that woman. They move on, and I am still here, merely one of the many jewels in their crowns, but at least they are now kings or on their way there.

My love life is not a novel, but a collection of short stories, strung together by common themes. I make all my men feel insecure - my past, my mistakes, my charm. I neglect them while being in my own world, unable to pick up that phone just to check in. I am either too independent or too depressed. I am too much like a man in so many ways: I don't like to cuddle very much, I am not clingy, I cannot play my computer games and talk to you at the same time, I don't like to be disturbed at work, I give solutions to problems I listen to, and I like to zone out and be by myself sometimes.

My charm is very short-lived. For the past ten years men have fallen in love with me, and come alongside me, but we are unable to stick together because I do not have what it takes to be a sticker. I feel very special each time, but I know I would never be the last girlfriend, even though I know they would never forget me.

I don't like short stories. Beginning a new story again and again is tiring and I have less to give each time. Eventually I do end up loving that someone properly. But that story might end anyway.

1 comment:

  1. I am thinking of insecurity. DO you make them feel insecure or do they know you don't really love them? or do they not love you?

    I am like that woman who got bitter or cynical and just married someone who loved me but I did not love because...ah..what the hell?.. what does it matter?

    And years later I fell in love with another woman and that is when it matters. So what did I learn that stupidity did not allow me to not waste years in an almost useless marriage? This: DO NOT Marry for any reason other than love. But of course, people fall out of love too so maybe my marriage would have failed if I had married someone I really loved.

    Ah, such is life. I am 57 now. Living well, eating well, probably in the best health of my life. And I want to love and be loved so much I fight off the dying sadness of not wanting to go home when the day of work is done to the loveless marriage because I know it is killing me.

    I would love to be 28 or 29 again knowing what I know now, but then again when I am 67 when of course I plan to live that long [a fortune teller told me I will meet my true love at 62 and have the best sex of my life then...whoppee...I can hardly wait!...] who knows then if I will look back again and say the same thing. HA HA HA HA

    so fuck it right? and give me another beer. who cares about anything. something tells me you and I care a lot about too much and we can't help it or ourselves.

    and blah blah blah

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