My depression took a turn for the worse because my body stopped responding to my meds. I am now taking more antidepressants and mood-stabilisers than ever. I am hitting the maximum cap of quetiapine administered for depression at 300mg a night, up from 100mg. I am taking 3 tabs of Lexapro a day of which 4 is the maximum cap. Neither are dependency-causing, but it means that I am incredibly unwell, and very expensive to take care of.
Not responding to medication means I feel like I do when I am not on any medication. Nothing describes the pain properly. It feels like an indescribable anguish and then some more, like a tropical storm causing squalls all over a wrecked vessel. I feel almost as down as I did when I really wanted to die to remove this pain.
The storm is passing soon. I am but driftwood, dead but afloat.
I wish I could cut out my heart and brain and replace them with normal ones. I need a heart that is not black with pain, and a brain with the right chemical balance. Right now I just carry around in my skull a brain that feels like an alchemy lab bubbling over and drying up, and in my chest a heart stuffed full of rusty needles, black and gangrenous.
The answer would be term insurance. I need at least $250,000 to half a mill assuming I live for say, twenty years, as an inpatient at IMH, or in my own flat paying outpatient charges like I currently do - after my parents go. I really don't think I am going to get better anytime soon.
i remember that you once told me that everytime i cried, Jesus is bottling up every single tear for me in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteI never really felt or could really experience or understand truely wat u mean. Only later when i went to another church and i heard the grace message again, then i realise the extent and depth of God's love.
That God will and forever love you more than anyone and especially u loving yourself. Cos no matter how much u fail, whether by choice or not, He will always be there for u.
Reading your blog makes me remember those words that u once told me so long ago. And i hope that perhaps these words will bring u hope and love that God gives, whether spiritually, thru family or even through your pet...
Hugs...I'll be here praying and reading this closely.