me, here and there

Am I fiction?


Sometimes I sit here, adult-like, mirroring my mother in some ways. A leg on a chair, chilling with a beer, contemplative but chattery, mundanities providing relief. I look at myself as if looking in on myself: me on the chair in the room, me at the door looking into the room. Here I split myself.



I just Googled myself awhile ago. There are two or perhaps three "Elaine Chiam"s in the world, the other/s in Malaysia. Similar in some ways, such as the educational or career background, but else, different people. My alter ego.



Writing is mundane, and I will hardly be fall-on-your-knees author standard at the rate I am going. It must be a great thing to be mentioned again and again through informal channels that are the words-of-mouth, even generations after the book has been written. I doubt I am cut out for that route anyway, at least not unless I get a Jonah type of calling. But perhaps, 'what if' and all that, though, no regrets.


See I split myself two ways, three times.


I get this notion of two of the same person, from Haruki Murakami. Doesn't this idea speak of all the regrets, and could-have-beens? But we should live with no regrets! No, none, not even a single one, not even the worst mistake you made. Repent, but not regret!


Just last night I was feeling so inadequately academised and I feel professionally unkempt. I am only a management graduate. With a Bachelor's. From where I am now, I think not even a Masters will suffice to fill up my inadequacy. I am not trained professionally in art, nor pedagogy. I only have some mild1 aptitude, and experience. I have been working for five years, and I feel lost. I could do sales, because there is no such thing as a credible B.Sc in Sales Management or the like, and I have never been hired on merit of my qualifications before. I am running on aptitude, and it is running out in trails.


Then I read an article that talks about how the humanities combined with business make up one of the best university educational selection for a successful set of skills for a career. Again I read about how in the States the most wanted grads are in Business, Computer Science and Communications. Although that is country specific, but hey, surely it means something.


And then I look in, up and out, at God. I think, hold, contemplate, feel, and now, I feel whole again, at least skeletally, but that is the main frame. To flesh out the bits, I need more. But I am whole again, no more alter egos. No regrets, no alternative route. This, here is correct.