selfish

I am selfish and I know that I am. There comes a point where one starts to care less about others - the co-workers, the friends, the customers, the lovers. This time, everything is about me: I want time to stop, work to disappear, people to go away. Thus, I plan a holiday (that who-knows I may end up not taking after all), am reluctant for tomorrows to arrive, rest when I am tired (and cause everything to screw over when I do), stay away from MSN and all human contacting devices.


It all starts with a punctured tank: If a tank has a hole that can drain itself in x minutes, and the speed of its drainage is y cm3s-1, calculate the volume of the tank when it starts out half filled - maths and all that jazz.


Suddenly everything, as when the tank nears its emptiness, becomes dreadfully weary. Like low blood pressure and its toll on the long-distance runner.


All this really means is, that because I am so inwardly selfish, bent over, concave within, I started to dread work with the Monday-blues type of intensity, early on Saturday evening. Alas, I had to finally fall asleep on Saturday night, much against my will, and cause Sunday to unwelcomedly arrive on my closed door. I hate Sunday, because Sunday is a work day too, unless I skillfully avoid some.


I think I may really indeed be on the doorstep of having chronic fatigue. I have the following symptoms highlighted in blue:

As currently defined, chronic fatigue syndrome is the presence of severe, disabling fatigue lasting for six or more consecutive months. The fatigue is persistent or relapsing, and is new (i.e., not lifelong), not relieved by rest, not the result of ongoing exertion, and interferes with normal work, social, educational, or personal activities. Diagnosis also requires at least four of the following symptoms, each persistent or recurring and not present before the fatigue: impairment of short-term memory or concentration, sore throat, tender lymph nodes in the neck or axillary region, muscle pain, joint pain, headaches peculiar to the syndrome, unrefreshing sleep, and malaise of more than one day's duration following exertion. Chronic fatigue that does not meet all these criteria is termed “idiopathic fatigue.”


The most worrying of these is the loss of mental cognitive abilities to very low-mana levels. Simple decisions become hard, I forget things, and I really, again I reiterate, feel much dread with many things I have to do. Perhaps I am not chronically fatigued, but still, something is wrong with me. I am being selfish and am not going to care very much beyond me now.