recluse

I am feeling very reclusive now, and I desire very minimal indulgent contact with people during such a moment. I suppose this is one of the moments I swing to the other extreme of myself, a polar opposite of my social self - when really, I don't feel like talking to people very much. Perhaps not to the point of actually staging a mock alien-capture and disappearing so that I don't have to answer to anyone - ! A regular reclusive moment: if I could, I would rather be alone for the rest of the days ahead, and let you read me as if I were but a stranger, like you would a novelist or anonymous producer of text that you read in your leisure and semi-quiet moments.


When this reclusivity sets in, I feel strangely moonish - semi-conscious, though very awake and able. And actually - paradoxically it will seem for me to say this - I feel rather lonely. Inexplicable, and though I would be able to figure it out as I write on, I am too weary to continue, as it is late.


And yes, though it is late, sleep is something I barely long for because (apart from the fact that I napped because I was tired, unwell in the afternoon, and had no computer to work with at the time - this nap, I use as a pseudo-excuse to my delaying sleep despite finishing my work a while ago already), sleep means really facing the fact that I am alone, it means facing loneliness straight up, neat.


That makes me feel a bit sad and out of place: I secretly, partly, wish to escape, live for a while on an island enclave that contains almost no one, else beings who smile but respect your privacy like they would like you to respect theirs, a non-tourist place really. But that is a foolish thought, a goal not to be immediately possible, and best not to be thought of, because it insinuates that I really do not enjoy my work nor my work-mates, which, quite the contrary, I do.


No, I will trudge on, learn to be friendly despite, and just steer clear away from undesirable company if any though unlikely, talk behind the comfort of internet, and in silences - hopefully, you will understand.