death

To be on the brink of the brink of death - what is it like. If I were to die now, and one of the many people who have the keys to my house were to open the door and find me lying here in the living room, in my green tee shirt and pink-and-brown striped briefs (with three sheep emblazoned on them), keeled over in pain till I was forced to let go of myself - is that the way I should go.


If I were to die now, my house would be fully paid for, thanks to reducing-term mortgage insurances we are mandated to take as house-owners. My parents would get this flat, and have no more daughter. I wonder if, the debts I have will have to still be borne by someone - Singtel, Starhub, MPTC, etc. Will they ask my parents to pay for them? Not much, probably about a thousand dollars or more.


Calvin would be alone again and he would have to find another would-be wife. We are not married and I cannot leave anything to him, not that I have anything to leave. We have no joint accounts, no joint investments, no joint property.


This is not the way I should go. But I find myself at the brink of the brink of death. Images come to me of people dying on the operating table when their stomach ulcers have bit through to their arteries to the point of no return. I think, I have a sickness that could make me die.


I am back on Tramadol again. It says on the packet: "For severe pain." My doctor says that my almost-daily serious headaches are stress-related, just as my gastric problems are probably also. I am not stressed. He says that daily headaches are common, and will only be a sign of a serious MRI-detection-requiring problem, if accompanied by vomitting or blurring of vision. That would imply an internal brain something kind of problem. He has prescribed me another kind of medicine for my gastric pains - Omeprazole. Let's see if it helps! I know that I am probably not bleeding badly inside - probably, and you find out if your stool is black or obviously if you puke blood. (I have only seen blood in my puke once, that was when I discovered that I cannot eat cheese forever and ever amen, cheese when melted is almost indigestible, very trying for damaged tummies).


And so, I am at the brink of the brink. I do not think I will die just yet from this but until I am much better and more functional, I will never know if this will be the weapon that shuts me down completely. C says this is my Archilles' heel. I was suddenly reminded of when my eczema was much worse, and H said, "Like that, how to go for mission trips?" but in the end I am much better now, and I have gone for mission trips with eczema being the least of my worries. I told this to C and he said he hopes this will be the last, there are only so many tests one can have in a lifetime.


As I write this, my head is still hurting, and my stomach too. I thought medicine was supposed to help, as opposed to merely just making you sleepy and unable to function. I have not functioned well for weeks, just look at the state of my house, it is on the brink of being equivalent to the ageing and decaying process a dying person goes through. It is dinner time, and I have to now drag myself to find dinner somewhere in the vicinity downstairs. I hope I make it.