My current inability to provide is a small setback, but one that is very real when I feel less worthy for my weakness. I felt terribly weak when it was my Mom's birthday, and to give her an angpow for it meant giving away 75% of the money in my wallet, and I couldn't pay for dinner too. C paid for the dinner, and gave my Mom an angpow too, and I have never been able to afford anything for his parents, even though in name the presents were also from me. This inability to provide hurts me like hell.
I am reaching the tail-end of my twenties and my time to have made it financially by now is coming to an end soon. I thank God for preserving my parents' lives and health, so that till today they are still taking care of themselves very well and are still healthy. But I have loads I want to give them, but I cannot afford to, not even for myself. They chide me for still owing money to HDB and similar, and I hate it when they keep on saying unreasonable things like how I should be taking on more students to give tuition to (you might as well kill me now, I am already dying from my workload), how come there is no money in sight, how I should pay my bills (and then not eat and travel to work is it? be debt-free but dead from starvation, nice idea). But parental hate-love rant aside, I really should be supporting my parents now, and be able to be in a position of providing by now. I am not, and far from it. I hate myself for that.
I have a need to be the provider. Maybe I am an alpha-female, classic only child syndrome, male-slant traits type, I don't know.
C is sweet about it, even though I have yet to repay him for his kindness towards me. "It is only temporary, as you so often say." is his satirical comforting reply. How can something be temporal and yet oft-said over the years? I hate the fact that I work and work, and have no money still, bah to cash flow shit (already carefully anticipated that this time of year will be difficult, but still, bah).
Meanwhile, I let the debts pile up. Up and up and up and up.
I shall go calculate how much money we are due to collect now, annuitised of course, remember the cash flow. So far, so good.
thanks for sharing. Then I know I'm not alone with these issues in life.
ReplyDeleteIt is real and very right to feel this way. Money screams.
Borrowing C's (mirrored) words, there is light ($$$) after this tunnel. Few do what they are passionate about. If God has called, He'd give the resources- and in abundance. You are a class of your own. And I'm v blessed to have known you.
Jia you. :>