Thursday, April 27, 2006

lately

I have been whiling away my precious time like I were a teenage bum. Technically I still am, I think that though I am more olden and mature now I still have my youthful sloth as is a usual thorn in my flesh.


Well, yes, I do love sleeping very much. Especially when the sheets smell of C and when it is rainy and a cool grey, and really, really cosy. I love sleep so much that I actually write less easily because I would rather sleep than think, and I even read less these past few sleepy days.


But really, all these things I write about are mundane, and revolve around the same things, just like ribbons around a may pole, albeit I try to write in aesthetically pleasing ribbons each time. But it is the same pole really.


I have been somewhat inspired to write yet another ribbon like I am now, because I have just finished writing my submission for the web-zine I was talking about previously. I am still living out the long-tail of that forced creative thought-train. So here I am.


Anyway I need to talk about the GE but I have consigned myself to talking about it with taxi drivers instead of on the well-watched non-anonymous blogosphere. If you are interested I am in Lau Goh's territory just like Tym.


But in the meantime, I will just blab about the other even more mundane stuff, which I have just done. I hope to be inspiring and entertaining and thought-provoking here soon, in knock-your-socks-off poetic lingustics too if possible. Meantime, I will enjoy my sleepy lulls of semi-decadence. I love the sexy solitude of my home.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

this is random bleah

Today this is my space.



I am not gonna care about grammar-syntax or whatever. I might even blog about how I feel about the elections, but then I am not overly peeved about it yeah, so I won't.



Tonight I just want to rant. This is a blog, and ranting is my right. My right to do so. I have to exercise this right now and then, and since I already have a ready audience of about thirty people a day, who I hope sincerely will stay after this outburst, I might as well just do wat bloggers do. Duh.



Bah.



Please be prepared: empty barrage of rubbish coming your way. Feel free to gloss over, please.



Status:

One-third through a bag of Hot and Spicy Big Bag chips. Have since stopped. One and a half cans of Carlsberg beer - and I will finish it. In fact, as I do, I am thinking, I want to live like a yuppie one weekend soon. Give me the typical Introbar Balaclava Wine at Rochester or Dempsey and what have you type of yuppie activities, which for me are not poser because I need to live it. Live it! Argh. And I am not a yuppie. I don't need to wear the sexy killer suits and shoes anymore, just like I did when I snagged my Calvin one night.



I look at my messy house and think, it's mine. Mine! I have my own flat!



Tonight, giving tuition to my two lovely sec4 students relieved stress for me. I think nothing else other than mundane Amaths, or perusing the formation of volcanic features, is more appealing to me now than the raging thoughts through my head.


Tomorrow morning I will go to the airport to see Miss Angela off to Aceh.


Yeah I know these were completely random statements. Bear with me if you love me.

Monday, April 24, 2006

meme

My ex is forgotten.

Maybe I should take a break, but no time, no money.

I love ice-cream.

I don’t understand anything to do with science, technology and other geek-stuff. Okay, actually I do understand some of it but I pretend, so that my geek boyfriend can do everything and feel manly because I don't know how. Have you seen C repair the computer? You have to just sit there and stare at him crouch under the table...

I lose the other half of the sock-pair sometimes when I do the laundry, sometimes one gets caught in the earlier batch without the other.

People say a lot of negative things about the gahmen. I don't care really, as long as I can live in my peaceful three-room flat for now till I leave the country.

Love is 1 Corinthians 14.

Somewhere, someone is dying without ever having known love, salvation, comfort.

“I will always love you” is a Whitney Houston song.

Forever is a nice song by Hillsongs United Live.

I never want to be a man, I think. I love too many female things.

I think the current US President is good for jokes.

When I wake up in the morning I wish I could sleep more, or am hungry.

My past was a very short time in my life.

I get annoyed when - are we really going to take this train of thought? Loads annoy me - people are not very quick-thinking or smart, when there is water around the sink, when the floor towels are messed up, when contractors do work on my non-neighbours' house, when I am touched while I am having an eczema breakout, when I am treated as second string, when people speak too softly and unclearly... etc...

Parties are for people like me to have at home when I need an impetus to clean my flat.

My dog is dead. Very cute.

My cat is not mine, her name is Slinky, from downstairs.

Kisses are the best when you smell nice and vice versa.

Tomorrow, I will be very busy.

I really want to have a lot more money than I do now. I must be one of the poorest 27-year-olds around.

I have low tolerance for people who are in a position of responsibility but act below my extremely high but reasonable standards.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

a need to be productive

I don't know if many of you feel this way: when I run out of something creative to do, I will start searching for one, else I will feel like I have dropped into a void that is almost completely soulless.


And the only thing that will stop me from actually doing what I find, is as usual, sloth. So I resort to at least thinking, or talking about it with probable people concerned, and the un-involved perhaps, just to get it shared.


The feeling I get when I come to this end (of things creative to do), is like as if I have become one who mindlessly surfs, and moodlessly roams about the house, or wherever.


I get this feeling when I have nothing to read. Like I have read all the updated feeds I subscribe to. Or when I finish reading the latest copy of Elle. When I have no suitable work task to do within a certain available moment, such as now, (because any work I need to do now is huger than the time I have for the moment, which is less than half an hour, and yes I have checked my email), I will end up feeling that void.


I remember times when Dorothy and I will stay up late together, and because I was over at her house, we wanted to make use of the time shared, to do something productive. We will somehow find something craft-y to do, like making gifts for people what we know, and etc.


And now because I have no time, I cannot start doing the work that I need and actually want to do. And also because I am really tired and lethargic, I am too weak to do anything anyway.


Which leaves me with mindless blogging...
What were you doing ten years ago?
1. In JC1.
2. Probably going or gone for some ODAC activity like a camp or a cycling expedition.
3. I don't really know, I grew out of my egocentrism late in my childhood, I was in my own world.
4. Making lots of friends, many still close.
5. Just started going to church regularly.


Five Songs Which You Know All The Lyrics Right Off Your Head Now?
1. How Do I Live by LeAnn Rimes etc.
2. Can't Take My Eyes Off You by various people
3. The Greatest Love Of All by Whitney Houston
4. ???? by Theresa Teng
5. Any song that I sing often enough in worship


Five Things You Would Do If You Were A Millionaire
1. Invest in new/existing business/es.
2. Fuel my humanitarian/missions efforts (assuming I would have some substantial ones going by then).
3. Buy property and other assets.
4. Make some passive investments in whatever that will make money for me so I no longer have to work that hard.
5. Continue working. 1mm ain't that much. Cannot even be private banking customer.


Five Bad Habits
1. Slouching
2. Sounding mean
3. Waking up late or past the alarm bell, everytime
4. Procrastination
5. Thinking I am always right


Five Things You Like Doing
1. Sleeping
2. Reading
3. Writing
4. Drinking alcohol-infused matter
5. Calvin


Five Things You Will Never Wear, Buy Or Get New Again?
1. This is hard, seldom have regrets like that.


Five Favourite Toys/Things
1. Calvin. Though he is technically not a toy.
2. Guitar. Congress guitar, gift.
3. Computer - I am not a geek, so any one with internet connection can already. No need any Sapphire ATI 1900xtx graphics card or whatever cheem things.
4. All the splashwurks art materials we have :D
5. Blankie, pillows and bed

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Okay I admit, I am up to something.


Jerrers
asked me to join him in contributing to his friend's (currently web-) magazine, pro bono of course.


I spoke to his friend the gal in charge and have been festered with ideas on what to contribute along the theme.


I have already written one possible contribution, but C has his reservations on it.


I am lost and completely excited.


(will share more soon).
I have had so many writer's moments this weekend, but never a moment to actually write. Now I am here, but sleepy. Let me gather my thoughts first.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

sleeping in the morning

The current mood is one of an anxious lull.


Today I have no classes in schools, only a private tuition lesson to my student Alyssa later in the late afternoon slash evening time. It is the perfect excuse to sleep in, and, I did, til eight o' clock. Why so early! I had expected myself to sleep till pre-noon hours. But no! Argh.


I wake, eat brekkie, read some online, and check my email. I also talk to a teacher online - my client - and I realise I have two things to submit to her this weekend. Apart from that, I also have other to-dos undone.


But I am still sleepy.


Today I also need to run one outdoor errand at an unknown time, depends on a call H will give at anytime. In the end, I do go back to sleep, shoving aside my anxious heart, with my telephones next to me (only to be woken in a kicking frenzy when the phone rings but it is not H).


So, lots to do, lots to do. I am totally not enjoying my morning sleep-in, something which in the first place became an over-early sleep-out, and is completely annoying because I need to do loads and I am still sleepy (despite Earl Grey tea).


This just goes to further show that I am truly a slacker and not a workaholic. I just want to slack and not have to do work at mad accumulated hours, rather, in manageable pockets of time with bo-liao breaks in between of doing things like playing guitar, reading, writing, chatting online, yadda yadda. And today this bo-liao break I want to take, should ideally take the whole day, but it is not going to work out. I am a slacker who worries, ideas just fall on my lap without me doing anything to squeeze them into existence, and I end up having to do them, yet the allure of rest is so much greater than the future rewards that the tasks (especially sales tasks) will bring in future. But because I worry, I end up resting poorly anyway. Anxious lull! There is nothing worse than being a worried slacker.


Anyway, I know my own working cycle (pockets/breaks/pockets/breaks), soon I will be drawing up quickie plans in my organiser and Rainlendar widget, and I will become a work-work-worker again, and probably end up working over the weekend because I will need something to do that is productive.


And, a side note, if you are concerned I am not getting enough rest, I am rather, as I have been sleeping at ten or eleven p.m or so most nights, and since my sick trough that bottomed out with my new gastric medication, and forced slackedness for most days, I am feeling much better now, and functional. During the days of forced slackedness, I did not bother with anything that was related to too-short impending deadlines - just don't do lor, tarn buay liao anyway, furthermore already very busy - and merely did my work in a fashion of excellent necessities only. I also solved some anger issues and woke myself up on my need for more character hence to be rid of all base things which are inherent in my extremely flawed self. So I have been resting despite being busy, acting contrarian: I am definitely gonna be on the winning side despite all.

oh yah and I got TODAYed

Thanks to the Informalist for telling me on Monday, that I got TODAYed by Miyagi last Monday, about my post in response to the article on the non-anonymity of the internet. I will not be writing very much on politics actually, because I am not a hardcore review-and-opinionate type of writer. Thanks to the seventy people who visited me that day, albeit I only found out a week late!

a quote from Getting Things Done by David Allen

copied from Josh Kaufman of PMBA fame



”The middle of every successful project looks like a disaster.“ - Rosabeth Moss Cantor




Now, I know why shit happens. Because we want things to work, shit (the opposing force to success) will occur because you have raised the bar of competence on yourself. The more excellent you want to be, the more shit you will get. Especially when they are least needed, but ironically, those projects are the ones that, where the shit is overcome, will be the most delicious truimphs.


Footnote:
Rosabeth Moss Cantor I believe is the one of the management textbook writers who believes more that management is an art of doing things through people, than it is a science that measures the measurables only. (Correct me if I am wrong Izzzak).

Slinky the cat and other animal ditties

I go downstairs for a solitaire dinner, and on the way back to the flat, I play with Slinky the cat who lives at my block. I named her Slinky because the first time I ever saw her when she was skinnier and smaller, she used to slink around on her back and looked like a cat version of a cute leisurely yawn. Now she looks different, someone else is feeding her as I only did once (with some leftover tuna which she lapped up shyly but gratefully). There was a time I thought that was another cat, that looked male, and I dubbed 'him' Mr. Slinky. Actually I can never be sure of whether they are the same cat or not, but I saw that I never see more than one at a time, and that 'Mr.' Slinky also slinked around! So it must have been a fattened Slinky. Slinky is very friendly and never begs for food even during the first few trying weeks she lived around here. She is black, with, according to Calvin' observation, two white-tipped paws.


There is another cat I see sometimes, at the back of the block, I called him Grey Cat. Well, he is a grey, fat type of cat. Light grey with longish fur. Very snobbish. Grey Cat hates humans. He would be scavenging for food in the rubbish with a scowl on his face, and then when a human appeared, he would pretend nothing happened between him and the rubbish and quickly scurry away from the 'crime' scene, with a scowl no less, telling you that 'you didn't see anything.'And then when you are (or pretend to be) out of sight, he comes out again to continue scrounging. I would feed him if he were hungry but he always runs away when I miaow at him, so it really is no use. Only the professional cat-auntie who takes care of the cats, will he come nicely to. You know, that cat-auntie that every neighbourhood will have.


Grey Cat is actually quite cute. There was a weekend when Calvin was over and he parked his mother's car downstairs. When we came down to go out, there was Grey Cat lying down under the car's rear end. We both were concerned because we didn't want to injure Grey Cat with the car when we drove out of the parking lot. Then Cal bent down and talked to the cat and said, 'Come out, Grey Cat!' And Grey Cat saw us both and scowled away hurriedly. Okay so Calvin is quite cute also.


I am both a cat and a dog person, but because I am house-proud, or as Sash says in her latest post, the type who makes an awful fuss (about her house) about nothing, I would keep them animals away from my home. I love my sofa, and my flooring. So until the house is rather run-down many years, I would keep to playing with Slinky and Grey Cat downstairs when I need to destress and never bring their kind home.


If I could choose, I would rather a dog, because I like smiley animals, like my dog called Dog, who I had during my teenage years in my JB houses. I love her and she is still my favourite dog in all that I have ever met. I like big and smart dogs, and those with nice vain fur, and street-wise types who could look out for cars before crossing the road, and protect me from bully dogs when we went for walks. She never needed to be leashed, in fact she hated it, and went on walks on her own, although her routes are rather adventurous, evidenced by her muddy lower body at times. She was clever and obedient, and understood completely what you told her to do. And she always knew if passers by were friend or foe, and smile-wag or bark accordingly. There was once she was in the porch, and needed to go out to pee, but I only came home after school at about six p.m., which mean that she held in her pee all this while till I came home. When she saw me approaching the gate, she whined and had this really kan-chiong look on her face, and then I realised, oh no!, and let her out as soon as I could, and when she came back, boy did she look relieved. I was so amazed that she didn't just pee somewhere in the house, which would have upset us, because that house didn't have a garden. Good Dog.


I would play with Calvin's dogs, but both his dogs are not very playable. Spotty the dalmatian, is blind, drooly and greedy, so she is not the huggable type, because she gets all shifty because she wants to nudge a snack out of you. She is old and therefore not very into playing games. Plus she is not very nice to pet. But she is a good dog. The other dog is an absolutely silly dog called Rebel, a stupid silky terrier type, and I don't like him, just as I don't like most small dogs. He is fierce, unfriendly, insecure, and suspicious of everything. And he is a boy-dog. You cannot touch him with your hands; he has even bitten his own owners, and is only friendly to the maid. Never choose the liveliest pup of the litter I say, and try to choose a girl dog because they are usually smarter and more obedient. Anyway Rebel is so jealous, he still fights with Spotty, and he still gets jealous when someone else in the house is carried in the arms - children, girls in boys' - or when he smells cat on Calvin when we have visited friends' who have cats that sit on his lap.


Anyway, after playing with Slinky downstairs, who I actually I feel like bathing because she is so dirty but of course I won't do that to an undomesticated cat, I feel now less stressed, more relaxed. Since my house is near foreign worker camps, walks may not really relieve stress at this hour, so playing with Slinky was the next best option that I planned, so I did. And I feel good now. Nice Slinky.

Monday, April 10, 2006

tonight

One of the best ways to fall asleep earlier in the night, is to have an early dinner. Also, watch tv, brainlessness usually leads you to caveman-mode and sleepdom. I think I will do that tonight- I have already had a dinner at six o' clock.


I have had a whole day of art. Technically it is about three hours of conducting art lessons, but somehow I feel like I have painted, by proxy, the whole day. I am exhausted and I can't find it in me to want to paint or undertake any artistic task for the rest of the night. So, I will not do any more work tonight, I hope - but the allure to, or to want to, is very very strong. I think that once I am out of my dinner-hour mood (like the lunch-hour mood), I will somehow still end up navigating towards doing something work-related. But no paints. no...


I am sleepy as I write this, it is not even eight p.m. I am bored, I have no hobbies except writing here, reading books and feeds (many of which are not yet updated for the night, it is too early), and, well, yeah, ignoring those impossible hobbies to do now in the confines of my flat on a weekday night alone. This is probably why people say I am a workaholic, I am not, I am just rather boring when it comes to hobbies. I might go play the guitar but I will be bored again after; I have already almost achieved my week's objectives in guitar playing, that is to learn how to hold the pick properly and protect my cuticle from tearing anymore, and to strum like mad and yet not have a - very - tired arm.


It would be nice to have a Calvin next to me tonight, but he is at his own home tonight, else we could have a nice dinner, or he would be playing WoW next to me and I could watch snippets. I could learn to play WoW too since C is such a uber WoW geek, but I have a high propensity for game addiction. Playing through the night, playing till the morning, and such other unhealthy things - I am that kind of game addict. So, I have never allowed myself to go beyond doing that (too often) and I stay away from games that are too fun and multi-faceted.


I think that I will now go and shower, TV, snack on fruits and/or chocolates, and sleep. Exciting!-

Sunday, April 9, 2006

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Acts of Service
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Acts of Service: 8
Quality Time: 7
Words of Affirmation: 7
Physical Touch: 4
Receiving Gifts: 4


Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Actually, as you can see, I have three main love languages (8, 7, 7).


I once crafted a quiz like that years ago for a YF camp sermon I was preaching. I think back then I was very much an 'acts of service' love language person. Especially when I was staying with my parents then, and their acts of service for me really made me feel very loved. Simple things like buying my dinner so I needn't have to brave the dangerous neighbourhood, or ironing my clothes because 'you do it so much better Mom'. Subsequently, I moved out, and quality time became a scarcity with them, hence more cherished, and more 'quality'. No more 'Ma where's the toothpaste' or similar. Just 'How have you been?' and such. But as I grew older and had more responsibilities and need for achievement and competency, and also because my parents are highly critical people, I think that without words of affirmation, qualified at that, I will feel completely shit and useless. But I will try to change that weakness.

mind your language

I am a language elitist, just as Kelvin is a musical snob in his taste.


I hate it when people use Americanized English spelling. Go to hell man! If you want to spell 'centralized', 'realized', 'ton', 'program', and the like in this way, then go face the wall start reciting that colour is spelt c-o-l-o-r, favourite is f-a-v-o-r-i-t-e and start learning how to measure in fractions of inches. Really. Just go to hell. If you think that 'program' is correct, then please check your bloody dictionary in your MS word. If programme is wrong then your dictionary is American and thus colours and neighbours would be too. It is as good as bad grammar and pronouncing 'children' as 'chew-ren'.


No I am not pinpointing anyone in particular, just incensed because I saw my student's English test paper, and the essay question contained Americanized English spelling. It is a good school. Where do these English teachers get their training from!? Next they will be saying that it is 'alright' instead of 'all right', and then they will also say the letter H pronounced 'heych' and not 'a-ch', and 'since young' and 'fuming mad' are correct usages of the English language. There will soon be 26 alphabets instead of 1 English alphabet with 26 letters. Oh please, bastardise the language further, go ahead.


If you cannot even speak English properly or write well, go home and please don't be an English teacher anymore. Or else please check your MS Word dictionary. My kids need to learn the right thing.

elaine's beauty section

I am gonna do a Xiaxue and share about my beauty regime, sans pictures because I am lazy. This is inspired by Yizhen who today just asked me what moisturiser I use.


Cleanser: Shu Uemura Cleansing Oil Light
Toner: (just finished, it was Clinique no.2, not very suitable for me but heck)
Moisturiser: Clarins Multi-Active Day Gel
Eyes: Clinique All About Eyes
Lips: Neutrogena Lip Moisturiser


(Basic Workday) Face: Maybelline Everfresh concealer, Clinique pressed powder, Loreal powder blusher, no-brand eyebrow pencil

to write

You see, I create worlds upon art and worlds upon words, very differently.


When I need to make art, I think: What shall I make/paint etc.?


But when I want to write, it is because I have something to write about, or am at the verge of finding it.


Sense the differences - need versus want, the how preceding the what versus the what preceding the how.


No doubt, I do have latent artistic projects that are brewing, or have brewed and cooled off. I am a procrastinator as they so often say, that albeit being a boring excuse. I do have one latent project that is very strong in its allure, and that is to paint this picture:


Aranpathet, Cambodia



But I haven't found the time, or rather I haven't been motivated to find the time. Writing is so much more instantly gratifying, and there is no need to wash anything up. (Hah to you Kee Min who says blogging is like wanking. My version of blogging has nothing to clean up! And I gloat.)


Back to writing: I think I have been intellectually rather impacted lately, reasons very much stem from the discovery and addition of many good business blogs. I read, and wonder and think and ponder.


We all know by now that I suck at writing reviews; you readers have not seen a lengthy movie review or book review or exhibition review or article review from me yet right? At most, I post a link, but it comes to a point where you ask, what is the point, I might as well just point people to them blogs themselves. Oh well, even then, I am lazy, I hate filing of any kind, and if I can't click and drag the tab into this box I type in and have its url immediately transferred into html code here, then it is too much of bother. Yeah I am a click-and-drag person stuck using a free PC. But I digress. The only thing I could write right now that is mildly review-like, is with regards to my response to a certain article in the news regarding Mr Chiam See Tong's comments, but then I would have talked about politics a bit too much and I still want my Progress Package, house for the next 97 years and such. (At this point I would like to mention that it WOULD be nice if they would please-bloody-fix-
the-bloody-lights-that-have-gone-off-around-the-friggin-entire-block please).


Anyway, so what will I write about really, today. Well, seeing that I am really sleepy and have been since ten o' clock, and that I have work to do that I should have done earlier but was not able to or should have just mugged through some extra hours during the days, I think I will stop here with just this...


(oops fell asleep in the mind. brb.)

Friday, April 7, 2006

PMBA

If you are into business books, this is the ultimate reading list. Josh Kaufman has researched and selected a list of books which will help you get MBA-ed without having to waste time in school, and spend the money which you might need for something else.

You can download this whole Personal MBA guide as a .pdf or read off this site. An excerpt on how he has chosen this reading list.

The Selection Criteria

There is no shortage of good books about business, which made this list very difficult to compile. Here are the five criteria used to select the resources featured in this manifesto:

* Valuable Content. Does the book contain a lot of useful, practical information about how business works, how you can add value, and why the material in the book is important?
* Acceptable Time Commitment. Is the book a good educational value for the amount of time invested? Can you get the key points of each book in a few hours?
* Self-Learning Friendly. Is this book designed to keep the reader’s mind engaged? Does the author present the material effectively and make the learning process enjoyable?
* Reference Value. Will this book be a valuable resource to turn to when you need information on a specific topic? How does the book re-read? Is it a book worth keeping for many years?
* Comprehensive Set of Resources. Does this list cover a broad range of advanced business concepts effectively and efficiently? Is completing the list a realistic goal?

Each recommendation is based on my own reading, many hours of research and evaluation, and the suggestions and recommendations of a large group of volunteers.



Great guide, if you love reading, business, and self-learning. Fits me!

Personal DNA

This is a cool site for quiz addicts.

Here is my result:
You are a genuine artist



Mouse over the various coloured areas.



For the full report if you are interested click here.

If you want to assess my Personal DNA (something like the Johari/Nohari window concept) click here. I will do one for you too! Just put the link up on your site I am already reading it, or else leave me a note.

Thursday, April 6, 2006

i need

Freedom from:

Eczema, breakouts happening in small bits lately, steroid creams are not a long-term antidote
Gastric problems, still here though less pain and none for three days straight except today
Asthma, finding it hard to breathe sometimes, especially if smokey or ill, plus it gives me...
Rhinitis, which I have take anti-hystemines sometimes, and it aggravates cold or other similar viruses
Colds, as I do now, though better, but they come so often


Anger, from dunno where, though getting better
Pride, that drives me to strive to prove myself well, which is equivalent to seeking to keep my soul
Depression, easily triggered from repressed emotions and emotional mismanagement
Lust, the desire to gratify self above all


Debt, amounting to more than a thousand dollars at least by now, hitting two K soon
Lack, of the good things, like my cleanser and toner that have run out, ability to save time through cabbing, buying art materials, books and such, and gifts for friends and family
Inability, to give enough to the building of my God's house, to tithe properly every time I have some cash, to give more to people around me



Extra doses, tambal, of:
Passion, because that makes everything worth doing, and doing more and more of
Character, because your leadership cannot rise above your character
Love, for myself, for others, for God most of all
Spiritual hunger, for the things unseen yet eternal are more important than that which we see but are temporal and will be destroyed eventually
Wind and Fire, to fan into flame my gifts again and again, without them I will be stuck at the mediocre
Vision, to see more, and conquer more. You cannot have what you cannot see with your spiritual eyes. Even a kid visualises an ice-cream when she wants one (from about 4 years of age onwards)
Desire, to see these needs met, and not subsist at survival level.



Give me your list of 'I need'. If we always subsist, and lose more of ourselves and of the meaningful things, then you need one of these lists, not because you are selfish, but because it is time to put faith and action on the table and trump these all.

the arty things I did today

  1. Taught acrylic painting class with Miss Angela. Landscape painting of a scene at East Coast Park. See previous post.
  2. Made a monoprint on an old teeshirt using fabric paints. Sewed a button as decor and used fabric pastels to add details. Sounds nicer than it turned out.
  3. Mixed media artwork using acrylic paint with gloss medium to make it drippy, oil pastels, water colours, on board primed with emulsion paint and with a collage of different types of paper.
  4. Put together a simple powerpoint to use for watercolour painting.

heart stirring and inspired moments

1 John 3:16

“ This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. ”

_____

Today, there was a fight in our class between two eleven year old boys. I had to physically pry them apart. They were seething with anger, sweaty, teary, with clenched fists and scowls on their childlike faces. Miss Angela at first shouted at them to stop, but they were riding on their anger so much, that they didn't.

It hurt me because when I found out about the reasons behind that fight, it turned out to be so much more deep-rooted a cause, than just that one playful moment gone wrong.

At this fight, one boy, named F, apparently nudged another boy O, who took it so over-irritably and whacked F for that little jostle. Of course, F retaliates and it becomes a full-blown fight.

It seems that Everyone hates F. He is always angry, and everyone whacks him because he is overly playful/irritating. The hate-F-campaign is headed by another boy W, who also beats F up, because he finds F irritating when they play together.

What kind of man are you to use your fists?

A mark of a real man forgives. Violence is a mark of a lousy man.

How many second chances do you want people to give you? Just one? Or more than one? If you want people to give you more than just one second chance, then you have to do the same to others.

There are so many people out there who use violence to show their anger, and there are people dying from it.

Do you want to grow up to be that kind of person?

The minute you put your fists into the situation, you are already in the wrong.

Let it go.



_____

In the end, Miss Angela was rather traumatised because while she led the class when I was mediating between the boys, she asked the kids to do the wrong thing by accident, some kids were at a loss because they had confidence problems and didn't dare to try to do what they were supposed to do.

After class I told her about medics using triage at war to sort out casualties, something that C shared with me just the other day because I was similarly angry after classes:

If three people came to you, one with a broken foot, another with his skull cracked and his brains spilling out, and again another with a gun shot to his stomach, who would you save first? C said, it should be the one with the gunshot to his stomach, because if you help him immediately, he can be saved. If you attend to the brain guy, who will definitely die anyway, the gunshot guy might die. The broken foot is not critical, so he can wait.

The point is, C says, you cannot save all of them, and in a battlefield, or classroom scenario, you need to give your attention to the ones who need it the most. He said, we are external vendors (though I dislike that term, sounds like contractor), and we only meet these kids once a week, and then no longer. There is a limit to what we can do, and as long as we try our best, we have done our job.

I saw that, it meant that it was not my fault if the brain guy dies.

It is not my fault, and I have to accept that, and I guess Miss Angela will too.

(Welcome to the art classroom, aka one-hour long battlefield.)

Now I am no longer as angry from actual teaching, in any case there is no residual anger from that. Because I know it is not my fault if the brain guy dies. I have to let it go.

_____

I have been able to rest some these couple of days, at night, or in the evenings, because I have been having a bit of a cold of sorts, and so I force myself to rest. I even watched TV! Which I realise, helps you sleep, especially when you watch after your dinner. I guess it helps me feel mentally more sound too.

_____

Our capacity cannot rise above our character.

I want to get rid of all this anger and frustration, which has built up from a few somewheres, (where exactly, I do not know either), rid them even when I am truly provoked by people who irritate me because of their weaknesses, rid them even though people are lousy, cos everyone is lousy, even myself, whom I got to also forgive at the end of the day.

_____

I have not been able to speak clearly lately, for some reason, maybe too much spit in my mouth because I am not able to breathe clearly through my nose due to the cold? I don't know really, but I will try again when I next talk.

Diction, clarity, structure of speech, are all extremely important especially at work. Of critical importance. People hate bosses or colleagues who delegate work but give shitty instructions, because a lack of clarity will result in incompetence and work to show for it, and the best part is, it is actually not their fault, but the bosses'.

It is better to say things more than once too, because people will forget, and they (especially men) might not have been listening because they were distracted or busy at the time.

We have to think in writing, because then when you relay your instructions or other work-related communication, you have your paragraphs, topic sentences, appropriate vocabulary, sentence construction, examples or analogies, all in place to make a good and effective verbal story.

Unfortunately, not all bosses are like that, they may even be rushed, poor listeners, and all who are employees suffer for it. We just have to not be angry, and forgive them, and cover for each other.

_____

Monday, April 3, 2006

Omg this is so act cute!


Get your free cute glitters @ Dolliecrave


link taken from Suzzoo

if you are into copywriting

The first goal of copy is to get you to read more copy.
The second goal is to tell a story that spreads.
And then, finally, to have that story get people to take action.


I hope we got it right for our next ad campaign for our artspaces.

about politics

This is not my game, and I hardly ever want to write about it. Simply because I am nonchalant, and actions speak louder than words when it comes to changing the face of our nation.


But I read this and scoff. Verbally. Gah!


The internet ain't anonymous no more my dears. I suddenly feel like I have been explained away like a child, "Don't play if not police come / uncle scold / etc." and we all thought it was true that police really will catch.


Maybe I take cabs so often, that I am completely familiar with the taxi-driver subculture that is obviously anti-government. I hear their opinions, some bizarre - the nightclub owner was killed by the government because who else would have a weapon, some justifiable - how a minister once said that if the then-planning-stage ERP worked they would do away with COE, which they obviously haven't; comment made in 1979. There are also some I completely agree with, like how the government bodies will not give a shit about the HDB contractors making a hell of a mess and disturbance in my block, simply because they are not private contractors but bloody HDB. Because of that they have the license to mess up the whole block, drill on weekends and past 8pm at night. Yeah, work for the government, impunity from sin and judgement! Yay! Reminds me of the Johore Sultan's family member who used to stop people and slap them for blocking his way, and getting away with it. Sultan is monarchy, hence impunity. Makes sense.


I found out that my parents used to support the opposition only because they were one of the parties' printers. Shucks. I thought they were renegade pai-kias but no, it was just that one of the opposition parties was their customer. My parents printed their stuff - manifestos and such - and being the all-out customer-relationship-building people that all salespeople are, they brought me when I was a kid to attend these rallies and give flowers to the speakers - because no other kid dared to, and because the other kids weren't very well-dressed I am sure. Fashion sense and power dressing is everything.


The internet is no longer anonymous. IP addresses, linking to the linkers (there, you have found me right?), the fact that Singaporeans are at most three-degrees apart from every other stranger, our paw prints are all over the Singaporean cyberspace. Oh well. Let us just continue to use the internet to rant and curse and entertain each other with all these negative sentiments brewing, and brewing, and brewing.


Yay! Back to anonymity.

Sunday, April 2, 2006

to provide

My current inability to provide is a small setback, but one that is very real when I feel less worthy for my weakness. I felt terribly weak when it was my Mom's birthday, and to give her an angpow for it meant giving away 75% of the money in my wallet, and I couldn't pay for dinner too. C paid for the dinner, and gave my Mom an angpow too, and I have never been able to afford anything for his parents, even though in name the presents were also from me. This inability to provide hurts me like hell.


I am reaching the tail-end of my twenties and my time to have made it financially by now is coming to an end soon. I thank God for preserving my parents' lives and health, so that till today they are still taking care of themselves very well and are still healthy. But I have loads I want to give them, but I cannot afford to, not even for myself. They chide me for still owing money to HDB and similar, and I hate it when they keep on saying unreasonable things like how I should be taking on more students to give tuition to (you might as well kill me now, I am already dying from my workload), how come there is no money in sight, how I should pay my bills (and then not eat and travel to work is it? be debt-free but dead from starvation, nice idea). But parental hate-love rant aside, I really should be supporting my parents now, and be able to be in a position of providing by now. I am not, and far from it. I hate myself for that.


I have a need to be the provider. Maybe I am an alpha-female, classic only child syndrome, male-slant traits type, I don't know.


C is sweet about it, even though I have yet to repay him for his kindness towards me. "It is only temporary, as you so often say." is his satirical comforting reply. How can something be temporal and yet oft-said over the years? I hate the fact that I work and work, and have no money still, bah to cash flow shit (already carefully anticipated that this time of year will be difficult, but still, bah).


Meanwhile, I let the debts pile up. Up and up and up and up.


I shall go calculate how much money we are due to collect now, annuitised of course, remember the cash flow. So far, so good.

death

To be on the brink of the brink of death - what is it like. If I were to die now, and one of the many people who have the keys to my house were to open the door and find me lying here in the living room, in my green tee shirt and pink-and-brown striped briefs (with three sheep emblazoned on them), keeled over in pain till I was forced to let go of myself - is that the way I should go.


If I were to die now, my house would be fully paid for, thanks to reducing-term mortgage insurances we are mandated to take as house-owners. My parents would get this flat, and have no more daughter. I wonder if, the debts I have will have to still be borne by someone - Singtel, Starhub, MPTC, etc. Will they ask my parents to pay for them? Not much, probably about a thousand dollars or more.


Calvin would be alone again and he would have to find another would-be wife. We are not married and I cannot leave anything to him, not that I have anything to leave. We have no joint accounts, no joint investments, no joint property.


This is not the way I should go. But I find myself at the brink of the brink of death. Images come to me of people dying on the operating table when their stomach ulcers have bit through to their arteries to the point of no return. I think, I have a sickness that could make me die.


I am back on Tramadol again. It says on the packet: "For severe pain." My doctor says that my almost-daily serious headaches are stress-related, just as my gastric problems are probably also. I am not stressed. He says that daily headaches are common, and will only be a sign of a serious MRI-detection-requiring problem, if accompanied by vomitting or blurring of vision. That would imply an internal brain something kind of problem. He has prescribed me another kind of medicine for my gastric pains - Omeprazole. Let's see if it helps! I know that I am probably not bleeding badly inside - probably, and you find out if your stool is black or obviously if you puke blood. (I have only seen blood in my puke once, that was when I discovered that I cannot eat cheese forever and ever amen, cheese when melted is almost indigestible, very trying for damaged tummies).


And so, I am at the brink of the brink. I do not think I will die just yet from this but until I am much better and more functional, I will never know if this will be the weapon that shuts me down completely. C says this is my Archilles' heel. I was suddenly reminded of when my eczema was much worse, and H said, "Like that, how to go for mission trips?" but in the end I am much better now, and I have gone for mission trips with eczema being the least of my worries. I told this to C and he said he hopes this will be the last, there are only so many tests one can have in a lifetime.


As I write this, my head is still hurting, and my stomach too. I thought medicine was supposed to help, as opposed to merely just making you sleepy and unable to function. I have not functioned well for weeks, just look at the state of my house, it is on the brink of being equivalent to the ageing and decaying process a dying person goes through. It is dinner time, and I have to now drag myself to find dinner somewhere in the vicinity downstairs. I hope I make it.