intimacy and violent exchange

Intimacy through conversation. Actually that is a lovely thought, and a wondrous activity at that. Sometimes though, we have to know one another through the intimacy of fights. And after that, the making up. Ah, bliss.


That scene from DH Lawrence's Women in Love: where Birkin and Gerald spar, wrestle -


`It surprised me,' panted Gerald, `what strength you've got. Almost supernatural.'

`For a moment,' said Birkin.

He still heard as if it were his own disembodied spirit hearing, standing at some distance behind him. It drew nearer however, his spirit. And the violent striking of blood in his chest was sinking quieter, allowing his mind to come back. He realised that he was leaning with all his weight on the soft body of the other man. It startled him, because he thought he had withdrawn. He recovered himself, and sat up. But he was still vague and unestablished. He put out his hand to steady himself. It touched the hand of Gerald, that was lying out on the floor. And Gerald's hand closed warm and sudden over Birkin's, they remained exhausted and breathless, the one hand clasped closely over the other. It was Birkin whose hand, in swift response, had closed in a strong, warm clasp over the hand of the other. Gerald's clasp had been sudden and momentaneous.

The normal consciousness however was returning, ebbing back. Birkin could breathe almost naturally again. Gerald's hand slowly withdrew, Birkin slowly, dazedly rose to his feet and went towards the table. He poured out a whiskey and soda. Gerald also came for a drink.

`It was a real set-to, wasn't it?' said Birkin, looking at Gerald with darkened eyes.

`God, yes,' said Gerald. He looked at the delicate body of the other man, and added: `It wasn't too much for you, was it?'

`No. One ought to wrestle and strive and be physically close. It makes one sane.'

`You do think so?'

`I do. Don't you?'

`Yes,' said Gerald.

There were long spaces of silence between their words. The wrestling had some deep meaning to them -- an unfinished meaning.



Intimacy through a fight. I always saw this chapter differently, that it spoke about a man-to-man intimacy, something that every man needed no matter how strong he seemed or wanted to seem. That moment strengthened their friendship; they bonded physically without the women, and in an almost scandalous setup.


Now I see it as this, that intimacy can come from violent fighting, that even through violent contact, rapturous pleasure not of the sadomasochistic type, can result, and result in greater intimacy thereafter.