Monday, February 20, 2006

sian-limbo

It is almost 10.30pm, and tonight, here I am at my usual place in front of the computer, as I have been on-and-off since past dinnertime.


I have work to do, but what am I doing playing Spider Solitaire? I could be playing more mind-requiring games like Scrabble that is Literati, but no.


Somehow I want to while the time away leisurely, unthinkingly, yet I fear the impending pressure that will form as I push my work till later and later. Furthermore I have to wake up really early soon for tomorrow's lesson. Too little time. Irony of that all.


I could be watching TV, or reading, but no. Neither I do not wish to resume painting, as Enid and I have done the past afternoon, it is rather tiring - the cleaning up especially, surely we do enough of it already?


So I am being Elaine, and being escapist, worrisome, procrastinating and lethargic, the usual. I can barely even write properly. Neither here nor anywhere.


In need of stimulation, probably.


Not that I have no challenges, for I do. Managerial ones which I find myself barely adequate to do. How is it people can rise to managerial capacities at my age without seeming to falter very much. H will say, 'but we are all learning,' but I feel he is ahead of me already, by natural selection of sorts, just like how he feels perhaps some similar way towards me.


Physical stimulation, that I have had: coffees, teas, vodka - even though I actually seldom enjoy vodka, which I had with mango and orange juice. Cal would have said, that is too clubbish a drink for home, but it was nice.


So, what do I need?


Even thinking about what to wear tomorrow is a thought that requires too much effort. Hardly excited - perhaps just a little - about my recent shopping loot. But elseways, not really revved up for anything at all now.


And so, perhaps...... Breakinasia at Phuture this Saturday! That might help some way -


I hope I regain my creativity and drive to accomplish, soon, preferably, by tonight or tomorrow morning. I figure, maybe I am overworked but I think I am underworked so hence the limbo. I personally feel I can accomplish twice the workload I am doing now, but because I am lazy and waste time doing things of leisure, I am unable to, and that is my own fault and lack of vigour that causes it to be so. I have no idea how to solve this problem. I think it might be a sign of a strain of workaholism in me, that is disguised by my need for tai-tai-dom all at the same time.


Perhaps I should just leave the work for tonight, till tomorrow. That really takes a load of my mind even while worrying me subconsciously at the same time. I will have to find a way and a day to deal with all of that which lies in that invisible stack of to-dos.

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