right now

I feel like downing an entire bottle of wine, or a whole jug of beer. Not that I can do that necessarily, it depends on the the moment. But right now, I have these transcedent thoughts.


Dear me.


I am not as strong as I was ten years ago. When I was in JCone I was in Odac, and went for daring - at the time - things like abseiling down a 10-storey high cliff side, or walking in the middle of the night on Ubin, or carrying seriously heavy stuff just so that we can go somewhere to camp.


Right now, I am older. What if I get to Cambodia and realise that I am also weaker?


I overcame that physical courage requiring task of my first of many solo walks at that time, by trusting in God and singing then the only Christian song I knew. And it was exhilirating to complete it, because really it was nothing at all.


On Wednesday when I leave for Cambodia on my mission trip, will I be able to withstand it, and emerge champion? Will I have the divine revelation Peter had of Christ, again? Will I once again stand up to my calling and go from house to house to bless heal fellowship and preach? (Luke 10).


There are things I regret not doing, not remorsefully, but just things that I wish I did, then. Like reading the Chronicles of Narnia when everyone in primary school was doing, or going for the primary school camp.


I know that I will regret if I don't go.


It is already so hard to make the lives of people better. What more if I don't even try. One day, everyone I influence will take this journey along with me.


It may not seem that way, but just writing that last line took a big leap of prophetic faith out of me.


As for now, I will enjoy my night, and probably take that can of beer from the stockpile in the fridge. I am gleaming, I hope you are too, right now.