weird frustration

There is a weird frustration efferversing inside of me, and for unlikely reasons I cannot figure.


It is not because I am bored, am on holidays and have nothing to do, because that is the inverted truth, and real far from the real one. In reality I have loads to do, and as I am here sinfully writing away, waiting for my hair to dry a little before sleeping, I could actually revert to proof-reading Clyda's essay instead, or do some mundane paperwork, or simply go to bed.


It is not because anyone has upset me in any way, if anything, I might have upset others instead, because I tend to do that. So my frustration is for sure not caused by my lovely friends.


On the topic of my lovely friends: I am going to be able to see Shuyi again tomorrow, together with my best mad girl pal Enid - the other E - and Syl, at Wala. I have not seen Shuyi for so long, and we have hardly had the time to whine and gripe to each other much, because we have been so busy. Absolute social-sisterhood handicap that has been. Gathering proudly organised by Enid, and I will go despite crazy schedules and pockets.


As for my lovely male friends, the two men in my life: no, neither are frustrating. Cal is lovely as usual, and H as he is very affectionately known as by me, has been his usual self.


So it is not my lovely friends causing me frustrations, that much is certain.


Now that the disclaimer part is over, I shall continue trawling about my weird inner frustration, and I think the root of it really is that I need some newness. I am bored in a way that wants to refuse the routine and the state of being I am currently in.


Perhaps I need to get to know some new people, or get to know some acquaintances better, or find new common interests with the people I barely know. But, it is so achingly difficult for me to make lovely friends easily, because I have terribly high standards, I think - even for friends.


I once got chatted up by a stranger, while I was walking home one day a year or so ago, at that time I was in Clementi. This guy used an old tactic: you look familiar / are you from this organisation / school yadda yadda. At the time, I needed some company anyway, and I am not adverse to pick-ups, so I entertained him, and after he walked and talked with me a bit, he wanted to further the conversation, so I said he could walk me home and we could talk along the way.


Subsequently we exchanged namecards below my block. Yes, it was all very pro. He sms-ed me a couple of times, which I replied politely each time. The sms-conversations continued a while, until one night. He said, as a gesture of small talk, that he was at home, watching Taiwanese variety shows.


Gosh. If there was another word that could describe my response other than - 'diao!' - I would use it for to make it sound less raw-edged. But I have none else. I replied him, saying, I don't watch Taiwanese variety shows (my goodness, I can't even type it without feeling the disgust), and basically, curtly called for a cease-fire in communication, meaning possible friendship altogether. I cannot possibly be friends with a guy who watches Taiwanese variety shows! How gross! How could we possibly have anything in common.


See what I mean. This is not the only instance. I also cannot stand poser-ish people, and by my standards, many I know are. Acting atas with no class, at all. These people are just unfriendly, stiff, horrible-slang-ridden, insensitive, overbearing with their this-and-thats, rich and proud as opposed to rich and humble, weird-shit-spouting, rigid, tao, aloof, insincere, and selfish.


Also, when it comes to communion and conversation, the frequency has to be right. English cannot be too cheem or too broken, cannot speak too softly or else I cannot hear, needs to be reciprocative in my attempts at intimacy and not back away or come on too strong. And of course, let's have something in common here. Better still, if you love the same things as I do (no, not Calvin - him excluded no less), and are willing to squeal in delight at that discovery!


There is more! Because I do not work in the CBD anymore , and I stay and mostly work in the East, and I am online working if am at home, and I have so many other things going on in my life like church and Calvin, it would only be possible for any friendship to flourish if the other party is on equally low-maintenance as I am, without subsisting on yuppie lunches or after-work drinks at Balaclava. And friends will have to be content with me communicating with them online more than anything.


Yes, I digress from the context. I really do find it hard to inject some new friendships into my social network, and it is because of my expectations. So if you love what I love and fulfill the above and can see me beyond this bitchy narcissistic post, let's be friends! Email me or something!


Perhaps I will be able to discover some newness soon? I am sure there are people out there who share my passions for writing, chilling out, reading Murakami, art and the like, and are not into horrible things, as above. Meanwhile, I might check my inboxes regularly and thoroughly hoping for exciting unknown people to drop in while I am online doing my things perhaps. Or else, I will just buy a new book to read, to get the newness kick in.


As for now, I will go and sleep because my hair is dry already.